The sun had long since slipped behind the horizon, taking with it those precious rays of the sun that so wonderfully illumine everything so that we can see as clearly as possible. With the going of the sun, my vision became more and more impaired, adding to the stress of driving at night. It was long about 8pm or so, and I was heading once again to the Older couple’s farm to take care of them. Normally when I go there it is light out because I leave my home at 2 and get there at 4, but this time I was taking a different shift and needed to be there on Saturday evening till Sunday. Thus I was forced to drive at night.
I only just got my license a year ago this January, and have never been a good driver, always having trouble judging how big my car is and the like (just ask Joshy or my brother who have ridden with me frequently…SCARY STUFF they would say…haha). So as you can imagine, this being the first time I would have driven for a long amount of time at night, this would be difficult! It most def. was! I had a hard time seeing, and I was tired and just wanting to get there and be done with driving.
So there I was tuttling along (my car has been affectionately been named “Mr. Tuttle” and it kind of stuck….thus “tuttling along” heehee not really a “need to know” thing I know but I thought I would share!).
Anyways, there I was tuttling along and I was rolling through the quaint little town of Coon Rapids. To most outsiders everything appeared correct. I was driving the speed limit, and was wearing my seatbelt, but there was one problem, I was driving on the other side of the white line towards the ditch side (not the dangerous side of opposing traffic, just to clarify that this was not an immensely dangerous situation!)
Anyways, to most it would appear that all is well, but not to the trained eye of a cop. He picked up on that small minor problem (driving on the other side of the white). So the lights came on and I knew I was in trouble. I quickly pulled over, my hands began shaking and my face turned hot almost immediately. Suddenly his flashlight turned on and he walked up to my window. I quickly rolled it down, and he shone the light into my car. Blinking against the light, I try to make eye contact. “Do you know why I am pulling you over?”
Thinking to myself, I was like well I was going the speed limit…it must be a tail light out or something…perhaps I blew a stop sign?? Wait there were not any stop signs.. At a loss I just say as kindly as possible “no, no sir I don’t”
“Well you were driving on the other side of the white line, I just want to make sure you’re not intoxicated.” Was his matter of fact reply.
INTOXICATED! Are you kidding! I have not even drank so much as caffeine for like 5 years…this has got to be a joke! Hoping that my eyes were not bulging with bewilderment, I quickly compose myself. “Oh, uh..”
Shining his light into my car, his eyes take in my surroundings. To my surprise he fixates the light on my GPS on the windshield and my tassle hanging from my rear view mirror. “You are not allowed to have those two things, they are obstructions of view.” His words hit like a ton of bricks…I was like “WHAT!!??” you have got to be kidding me!
Of course I never said this aloud.He of course was not kidding and asked for my drivers’ license and registration and proof of insurance. I quickly dug them out and handed them to him.
As he left to go to his car, I quickly began to take my GPS down and remove my tassle. All the while thinking “I thought I had everything right…I was going the speed limit…how could I have missed not just one thing, driving on the other side of the white line, but THREE THINGS??
He returned shortly, but not after I had taken the things down. Shining his light back on me, he said that he was going to let me go. He seemed a little hesitant though. He had handed me my things (registration/insurance etc) and I had put them back so quickly that I thought he hadn’t given them to me, so as he was leaving I asked for them. He said he had thought he gave them to me, but said he would search his car. He came back shortly, only to point his flash light right at my open dash drawer that had my stuff carefully placed inside.
I quickly apologized and thought “wow, now he must really think I am drunk!”He looked at me unbelievingly, and hesitated for a moment, I thought “surely he is going to have me walk the line!”
But he just left and got back in his car, warning me to keep those obstructions down.
I pulled away slowly and watched my driving very carefully till he was out of sight. And suddenly tears started rolling down my cheeks. Now if you know me well, you know that I am not a terribly emotional person, in fact when possibly I try not to cry as much as possibly. There have only been a few times in my life where I suddenly started crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason at all, and all three have had to do with something spiritual going on in my life.
The first was after my baptism at six, I immediately was embraced by my father who had done the baptizing, and I started crying, I couldn’t honestly tell you why. The second time was at Jr. Girls camp when I was 11 and I started crying uncontrollably in my bed, my counselor (Penny Fogle) came and asked me what was wrong, I said I felt I needed to be saved, so that night I got assurance of salvation that night. And the third time was right there in tuttle driving away from that policeman.
At that moment two thoughts hit me. One the immense grace of God, in that He had made it so that policeman did not give me a ticket. And really the policeman’s grace in not giving me a ticket, regardless of if this man was saved or not, reminded me of and reflected God’s grace in my life! That policeman did not give me the ticket I deserved! He had let me go. With that thought I began praising and thanking God for His grace.
Shortly thereafter the second thought hit, and this one with more weight and conviction. My life at that moment (and even now) mirrors in a metaphorical way, that “pull-over.”As I said I thought I “had everything right” and really I did have “most” (key word) everything right, but come to find out I did not, especially with the light of the flash light that policeman had shone!
And just like that, so in my spiritual walk I at that time had thought “I have everything right.” But I know, as God has always known, that I most certainly did not! Last year, the summer before my jr. year (so I am talking of summer 2010) I fell back into a sin that I have been battling since I was 17. I wrote a memoir about the beginning of this battle (when I fell into it ) on facebook entitled “my secret..or so I thought” and I have copied it to my blog as well (so if you want the beginning of this “story” you will have to read that).
Anyways this battle I have engaged in, is the battle against an eating disorder. It is a silent thing, though public on facebook, most people do not even know that I struggle this way, and most who have found out were shocked. Mostly because, one does not have to be “skinny” to struggle with this…why? Or how? You might ask. The answer is simply this, an eating disorder is not about eating…or exercise, or making yourself puke. Those are just symptoms of a greater problem, a heart issue! The symptoms help you identify the problem but they certainly do not define it! So in other words, I could be well over 300 pounds and still be struggling with an eating disorder in my mind. It is a HUGE temptation!
And to most on the outside, I look like I did driving that night…to a trained eye it appears that something is “amiss” slightly (driving on the otherside of the white line), they notice me skimping at meals, or perhaps they notice my obsession with running everyday. But it is’nt until the light of God’s Word and Spirit shine into my “Mr. Tuttle” of life are found the other problems (the tassle and GPS).
And just as that Tassle and GPS obstructed my view of the road, thus causing the driving on the wrong side of the road, so to my eating disorder (self worship and control) and pride have obstructed my view of the spiritual road I am on.
I have been taking Biblical counseling classes for most all of my four years at college (that is my minor), and so of course I know the “right answers.” I know the cause, I know what I should be doing to remove the tassle and GPS from my windshield (pride and selfishness, control and self-worship). But the sad thing is I don’t do it! I don’t apply the precious truths of God’s Word. And why do I not? Because I don’t yet want to give up my sin. But God is not letting me any longer be comfortable with that, and He has faithfully been pealing back layer by layer of this awful life dominating sin, calling me closer and closer to Himself! There is hope for change!
Friends, I am probably in one of the most scariest places of my life at the moment! Honest! I have begun to pray that God would change me, break me, help me to see the severity of my sin, help me to want to change!
And PRAISE JEHOVAH that He is gracious and faithful to this His lost and wandering sheep! I need Him! I honestly can’t do it on my own.
I believe that an eating disorder (like any addiction) will be a lifelong battle. It will be a constant fight. You have all most likely heard the stories of addicts to achohol or cigarettes, how they change and overcome, but the moment they get around the temptation or think of it, they have to really fight, and this is no different!
Because I have allowed myself to become ensared in this deadly and trapping sin, I will now suffer and have to fight the rest of my life, but PRAISE JEHOVAH I don’t have to go it alone (Phil. 4:13).
I believe that there are more who struggle this way, and who just keep it “underwraps” as I have and still often do. May I encourage you to reach out and get help! This is honestly a deadly and ensaring sin. It is scary and it will drive you far away from your Savior (I know from experience, I no longer hear His voice as clearly as I used to…and it has affected my relationships with others as well.)This is not something to “mess around with.” It is not just a little thorn in the side, it is a HUGE thorny bush that traps and squeezes all spiritual life out of you!
I know what I have to do, I must let go of my gods ( running, a skinny body) and begin to find a balance between eating right and running. I must depend upon God and allow Him to change me. I must see running as a gift, that could easily be taken away, and not hold it tight, but rather be thankful to God when He allows me to go! Not have it be a “must do or else..” thing! I must surrender…this is a moment to moment thing! Believe me! I have a long road to haul! But praise Jehovah He is there every step of the way!
Maybe you don’t struggle this way, be watching out for those around you that might. It is a slow fade, this doesn’t just happen overnight, it happens over time. Look out for your brothers and sisters around you. It may only take a simple word (such as the example of June, a lady in my church, in my note entitled “still small voice.”).
Or maybe it will take an outright rebuke that cuts to the quick (examples of this would be my sweet and ever paitent boyfriend Joshy, who faithfully reflects his Shepherd to this His lost sheep. And also Mrs. Gutwein as well and Lynnae, and also my parents and even my brother Joe and sister Krista). All of them did not give me “Pat answers” or the “I feel so bad for you” line, or even the “just quit running and eat right why don’t ya” line, but rather they paitently got to the heart of the issue!
Thankyou to all of you and the countless others I know I am probably missing. I know that I must frustrate you all, when I don’t change, and when I am so up and down. And I know that with some of you I have even blameshifted, changed the subject, or gotten upset, or just plain old shrugged your advice and admonition off. Forgive me!
I set a horrible example for my siblings and church family and really anyone I come into contact with, and I know I need to change! I wrote this to help others see that perhaps this is more common place then we most often think!
And maybe you don’t struggle with this particular ensnaring sin, but something similar, may I again encourage you to reach out to someone! But most importantly reach out to God!
Don’t deny that you are in a war! Don’t live as if it is taking place “overseas” out of sight, out of mind. But rather take up your arms! Realize it is on your own property, before your eyes! And engage yourself! Don’t become like me:
On the outside, she looks totally fine. She was saved at a young age, and baptized. She was known for being a witness for Christ growing up. She attends church regularly, accept for every other weekend, which is when she goes and takes care of an elderly couple in their 80s. But even then she is still serving. She attends a Bible college, in her S.R. year in fact! She has served at two Bible camps, and once even as a counselor. She has taken many counseling classes, and studies her Bible daily, prays and strives to grow closer to God. She writes frequently about God and our relationship to Him.
All is well right? WRONG!
There is a terrible battle that is raging without her and within! And to the untrained eye, she seems totally fine.
She may have most everything right, but there is something gone terribly wrong, that is missed. It is that unseen war, out of her sight…out of her mind, and out of the sight and minds of those around her.
1 Peter 5:8
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Eph. 6:11-12
“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devilFor we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, againstpowers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
Don’t be oblivious! Know your in a battle, ready yourself! It’s here whether you acknowledge it or not!
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