"Lord put someone in my backseat!"

I LOVE to ride in the car! I love to just sit and listen to music and look at all the beauty of God’s creation as we pass by it at 60 to 75 miles per hour.

Many have commented on how quiet I get when I’m buckled into a car seat and riding along. I don’t talk much anyways, but when put me into a vehicle as a passenger and I am completely silent, especially on long trips! Perhaps this is because on trips growing up mom and dad asked us to stay quiet, and thus car trips were my time to contemplate and think and enjoy the silence (as that is a hard thing to come by with 5 siblings! LOL).

But whatever the reason, it is something I do when in a car. Now for those of you that know my husband, you can just imagine what he does in the car right??!!! YEP TALK! And talk…and talk….and talk! So it is quite a balancing act for us. I am quiet and contemplating things in my mind, while he can’t stand silence and feels the need to fill the void (music doesn’t quite cut it for him). But we do manage, so before you call the “marriage counseling hotline number” on us, I will assure you that it is a good thing and we both have learned to give and take. Just like most things in marriage J.

All that to say, since Rachel was born I have taken to the back seat. Both literally and figuratively speaking lol.

In a literal sense I sit in the back now, that way if I need to feed Rachel when we are on the road I can do so without having to pull over so I can get to the back. So I’ve taken a “backseat.” And from back there I can see where Josh’s blind sides don’t allow him to see. When he goes to get on the interstate, I can help him because I can spot that big black ford pickup that is coming up on the left so fast, and warn him to slow down. I can see things he may not. I can cover his blindsides for him, and often times he will ask me to do so. And sometimes he doesn’t and I do it anyways.

Now, remember how I said that I took a backseat both literally and figuratively?  Well figuratively speaking I took a back seat in parenting Miriam. Sure I got after her, but it was kind of rare for me to do so. When she would throw fits I just let her. Because I was too lazy sometimes, and sometimes I just didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of spanking her and putting her in a time out because that would turn into a spanking session! Where she would get down out of time out and I would have to spank her. And that would repeat itself over and over. Who wants to spend your day…your precious time with your child, getting after them? No I would much rather live on plateaus of candy and clouds and hugs and kisses. But parenting isn’t like that is it?

I used to run a tight ship! Ask my three youngest siblings. Growing up, being the second eldest of 6 kids, I babysat the younger ones often! Mom would leave and go to town and left us three older kids in charge of the younger kids.

We were all best friends growing up, don’t get me wrong, but we did often get into spats.

When mom and dad would leave, I would sit all three of the younger kids on the couch and run through what we needed to get done (chores) and what I expected of them (behavior wise). If they deviated from my expectations I let them know what they would miss out on (lunch or supper watching a movie was our favorite thing to do. So if they didn’t live up to it we wouldn’t do that. Or perhaps it was a nice day. I would say that we were going on a walk later to the library or maybe to the river. But if they acted up or didn’t do what I asked they wouldn’t get whatever special treat I had planned for that day.)

Tight ship ,I know. And I was only a teenager then! My elder sister and younger brother were also in charge of the three younger. But for some reason the three younger always respected me more growing up. Now we all respect one another on mutual and equal grounds. But when we were younger it wasn’t so. They all respected me more. They obeyed me when mom was gone, better than they obeyed my other sister and brother.

One time I remember asking the three of them why this was. Their reply was that they respected me. I was harder on them then all get out, but they respected me and loved me for it! I told them what I expected of them and carried it out.

Many would comment all my growing up years that I was going to have a ship shape household when I finally married and had kids…but for some reason I found this to be the exact opposite!

There is a HUGE difference between keeping track of your siblings and raising your own child. I could care less of what my siblings thought of me, just so long as they obeyed and did what I asked of them. However, with my own child things were different. I let Josh be the hard one. He established his authority with our stubborn strongwilled and energetic child, while I let her walk  all over me.

Why? Perhaps it is because I wanted her to love me, perhaps it is because I was lazy at times. Perhaps it is because I loved hugs from her and the only time she would really let me hug her is when she was in trouble with dad (she is always too busy to cuddle).

Most likely it is all the above. SELFISH reasons…SELFISH focus!

But recently, God has used some people in my life to open my eyes to this blindside of mine. He put three people in the backseat for me (so to speak). And all three spoke up in a very kind and gracious way, that I needed to step up to the plate with my strong willed child. I needed to establish my God given authority and show Miriam what I expect of her. All three of these people came at different times, and in different approaches. But God used them, whether they know it or not, to open my eyes to a blind spot in my life.

And how wonderful the change has been! I used to go through a day not getting after Miriam at all. But it wasn’t because I didn’t need to, it was because I had chosen not to.  But I can’t do that anymore. If I do she will never listen to me and she will not learn basic things (like how throwing a fit is never okay. And how you have to do what is expected of you and if you do not there are consequences to that). And our relationship is so much better!

In parenting it is SO easy to see other’s blind spots. You know, the places where they are letting their kids get away with stuff they shouldn’t. But Ive found in my own life it is impossible to see those blind spots without the assistance of another. Sometimes it is a fellow mother who is in the trenches with you. Other times it is your husband. Other times it may be a mother who has graduated from the trenches of motherhood to the cloud of grandmahood. Whatever the case we ALL need people in our back seat!

And I am NOT just speaking to mothers here. We all need people around us to help us see the blind spots in our lives, both physically and spiritually!

Why do you think God so stressed the importance of a BODY of MANY members? Because He knows we need people in our back seat! We need people to love us enough to speak truth to us, even be it hard truths that we need to admit!

So perhaps there is someone in your life right now who you need to ask to come along side you and sit in your back seat for you. Someone to help you see those blind spots. Or perhaps you see a blind spot in the life of another. And you need to in love and truth go help that fellow worker out. Do what God lays on your heart. Don’t hesitate another day. We must redeem the time for the days are evil.

The peace of God

Peace….we all want it. We want it for the world, we want peace to reign and wars to end. We want it for the government. We want political peace and for all to fit together correctly and run smoothly.

We want it in our churches. We want the gossip tongue to be silenced and unity to reign. We want it in our schools. We want bullying to cease and kids to just get along. We want it in our homes. We want there to be peace between husbands and wives and children.

We all want peace.

When you look up “peace” in the dictionary there are several definitions:

Full Definition of peace

1:  a state of tranquility or quiet: freedom from civil disturbance :  a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom a breach of the peace>

2:  freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

3:  harmony in personal relations

4 :  a state or period of mutual concord between government :  a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity

5—used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell

If I asked you which one you have experienced, which ones would you be able to say you have experienced? I hope you wouldn’t answer that you have experienced the first one…for if you think you have you are quite mistaken. That kind of peace will not occur until the rightful King sits on the throne of David as Lord over all the earth (Jesus Christ).

I have always loved these verses:

 “ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

“ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:7

But what kind of “peace” are these verses talking of? Obviously, it is not speaking of neither #1 or #4 or #5 of the definitions of “peace” that I’ve copied above. However, it is speaking of peace in relationships with others and also peace from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions (numbers 2 and 3).

I have experienced both of these. But not as a result of myself, but as a result of God Himself!

The birth pangs started at 12am. I did my best to still try and sleep through them, thinking that this wasn’t “it” because I had a lot of contractions everyday leading up to this day.

But then again these pains did seem more strong. I am not one to let on about pain…it was also a Sunday morning, and with Josh being a Pastor, since I wasn’t absolutely sure that this was “it” I didn’t want to interrupt his sleep as he would have to preach later that day. So I just kept moaning every once in a while as loud as I could… to see if he would suggest we go to the hospital. If I say it that we need to go and I am not in labor then I just wasted precious Sunday morning time…however if Josh says we should go in and I end up being sent home, at least I wouldn’t fell guilty because it was Josh who said we should go lol. There is your little peek into my brain and how my mind works lol I know, not pretty… and I know, I’m ridiculous…my moms already told me lol.

Anyways finally, at 4am after like a zillion moans and no recognition from my deep in sleep hubby, I hopped up out of bed. That is when my water broke. FINALLY my “it is time” sign came and there was NO questioning it! I was indeed in labor! I had prayed throughout the pregnancy that my water would just break, because then I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was in labor. I always start my contractions early on in my pregnancies and I have a high tolerance of pain so it is hard for me to know if I am in labor. I didn’t want to have the baby on the road and I definitely did not want to go into the hospital only for them to send me home.

Upon my water breaking I tell Josh and we go into “flurry” mode to get to the hospital.

Once we got there, we were there only 18 minutes and Rachel came forth! CRAZY!

She was seemingly healthy. I took a shower and got back into bed to feed her. Josh came and kissed us goodbye and left to go preach. When he left she was fine, when he returned things had changed drastically!

I shouldve suspected something though. Because when I fed her the first time, she started turning blue (or “dusky” as the nurses referred to it) and the nurse took her from me and hit her back until she turned aright.

When I went to feed her a second time, she began to turn blue again and so I took her off and watched her breathing. It seemed odd to me. So I pushed my call button for the nurse. She came in and took one look at my little lamb and took her from me and left the room.

I remember sitting there in bed, thinking “now what.” The nurse had told me she was going to take Rachel to the nursery, but she hadn’t told me if I could come…or what I was supposed to do. I texted my mom to let her know what was going on. She called me and told me I needed to go find my little girl and stay by her side.

Scared, because normally a paitent just doesn’t go wandering about the hospital, I was afraid I would get in trouble or something. So I called the nurse again and asked if I could go be with my child. This was a new nurse, not the one who took Rachel. She kind of acted annoyed that I would ask to do such a thing at first, but to my surprise she had me follow her to where Rachel was. By this time they had the oxygen tubes in her nose. The nurse that originally took Rachel from me explained to me what was going on and that she thought they might have to send Rachel to a NICU in either Omaha or Des Moines.

My heart skipped a beat. I was like “say what??!!” You see when Miriam was born at 36 weeks they had the NICU on call just in case she would need it, like they were almost certain she would need it…but she never did. So I just assumed that since Rachel was 37 weeks she would not need NICU.

How could this be? They’ve got to be wrong.

They gave me a chair to sit in, and I watched as they began to do some blood draws and to put in an IV. I could hear them commenting on how Rachel wasn’t crying. As I heard them say that, on my right another baby had been brought in. She was in the process of being discharged. They did some things to her: temperature check, and blood sugar etc.  She was wailing like there was no tomorrow, and yet my child was being poked with needles and getting an IV in, and wasn’t even whining. Silence. As I watched this little girl baby who I didn’t even know, cry, I knew in my mind then that something wasn’t right with my little one. Here this baby was crying at a temperature check and yet mine didn’t cry at an IV being installed into her arm. And since her veins kept rolling they had to poke her a million times it seemed…yet no cries. I knew it wasn’t because she was tough….it was because she didn’t have the breath support to do so!

I knew then it wasn’t good. I knew we would most likely get sent to the NICU.

They had said it could be something as simple as her swallowing amniotic fluid. If that was so all it would need to do is pass through her system and she would breathe better and we could go home. However, since they didn’t have my results from the strep B test, it could be that she had an infection. The first sign of infection in a newborn is difficulty breathing. This is what they told me.

As I sat in that chair, still reeling from the birth and now dealing with the after birth pains, my mind began to reel. Like what if she is sick and what if we lose her? We had no guarantees. What would happen…and what in the world was God doing?

I mean first He takes a child from me (miscarriage) and then He gives me a “rainbow baby” (Baby that Is born after a miscarriage) and now He might take that rainbow baby away…WHY?

But I couldn’t live by feeling, Im called to live by faith. So I prayed…I prayed while they finished up her tests…I prayed when the ambulance arrived and they stuffed her inside the incubator with all these machines. I prayed in the ambulance on the way to Des Moines. And I prayed through out the night.

They hooked her up to a bunch of machines. I wasn’t able to hold her, or feed her. I’m so glad the ambulance techs let me kiss her before they loaded her into the incubator, because I wouldn’t hold her again till almost 24 hours later!

That night she woke up almost every three hours to eat…and I couldn’t feed her. It was heart breaking, because all I could do was stick her paci in and hope that this would calm her. I knew she was hungry…but there wasn’t anything I could do to comfort her!

In reality I should have been a complete wreak, but I wasn’t. I remember having this peace come over me. I couldn’t explain it to you (“Surpasses all understanding”…you cannot comprehend). SO many people were praying…my church family…my dads church family and joshs dads church as well.

And God answered! Because of God’s provision I had “freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions.”

His peace guarded me! And maybe you need to be guarded. Maybe you have disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. Maybe you are going through a hard thing. If so, may I encourage you to seek the face of God! Seek for His peace. Ask Him for it! He will give it to you!

Small Victories

“It’s all in your head Bethany” I kept telling myself this over and over as my feet pounded the brick pavement of the quaint streets of Adel Iowa. I was running my very first 5k. It was my goal just to complete the run without stopping, but long about mile 2 ½ I began to cramp up. I had tried to regulate my breathing so that this wouldn’t happen, but I wasn’t used to running a 5k. Sure I run at least 2 miles everyday, but my body wasn’t conditioned to running 3! As I rounded a corner I saw my dad, he smiled at me and cheered me on. I knew I had to just keep running, I had to push through the cramps and just go. So I did! I kept running in spite of the cramps and I made it to the finish line without stopping! And not only that I won 1^st place in women’s for my age category!

That was the summer before I got married. Earlier in that summer I was working at a camp as a cook. Somehow the subject of my upcoming 5k came up and another cook who had been in track during high school, gave me a great piece of running advice I’ll never forget. She told me that your run is all in your head. If you think you can’t make it another mile or even another stride, you won’t! However if you tell yourself you will make it, you will! As much as running is a physical sport it is also very much so a mental one as well. It is that simple! That piece of advice helped me finish that 5k! I just told myself I could do it, and I did. I knew that if I allowed myself to think “I can’t do this” I knew I wouldn’t finish.

That advice is not only true on a physical run, but also a spiritual one as well!! Just like if you think you can’t make it on a physical run you won’t…in the same way if you think you won’t make it in an area of your spiritual life you won’t! I’ve discovered this first hand!

There I sat in the dean of Women’s office at Faith. Normally, going to the “Dean’s”  office at college is a bad thing, but for me it was a joy. I wasn’t there because I had to be, I was there because I wanted to be! I loved coming to talk to Mrs. Gutwein.  She had stopped in my room to help my sister with her Spring Banquet dress when I was a freshmen. We started talking about what God had been teaching me. After that she would ask me to come and visit her, and so I did! And it was always such a blessing and so uplifting, but also challenging.  For when you meet with Mrs. Gutwein, she not only asks how you’re doing spiritually she challenges you to take it a step further. She doesn’t just like to hear what your doing now but she challenges you to do more!

I usually met with her once or twice every semester in college, just to chat and talk about spiritual things.

One of those times, I decided to tell her about my real struggle…my “mount Everest.”

I told her about my sin of an eating disorder. I honestly wanted to get more help. Oh sure my mom had given me plenty of advice about how to conquer it. And not only that, I had also sought advice from Josh (who was at that time my Fiance). And I also sought advice from my spiritual mentor, Lynnae, as well. But they all kept telling me the same things: Eat more…run less.” I didn’t think that would work…I wanted to hear something different. So there I was sitting in that office, confessing my dark sin to the Dean of Women. Her reply, you wonder? Was “Eat more, run less.”

And I was like “ugh! You have got to be kidding me!” (In my head of course).

That day I remember telling her that I thought I would always struggle with this sin. That I would never overcome. And I truly believed that! I truly believed I wouldn’t overcome.

My mind…my actions were so steeped and drenched in the eating disorder that I thought I could never think right or make right choices with eating. I felt consumed and overwhelmed by this ugly sin. It controlled me in so many ways!

I truly believed I would never overcome…but that was before my wake up call.

You’ve been there. Sound asleep, deep in a dream when suddenly “BEEP BEEP BEEP” your alarm goes off…Or if you are like me currently: “WAAAH  WAAH!” That little newborn begins to cry, reminding you that their lil body needs some nourishment!

Or perhaps you have had the unpleasant experience of cold water poured onto you, to waken you. Or perhaps the creaking of cupboard doors, or feet pattering across the floor or a loud clap of thunder has bolted you awake. There are countless “wake up calls”, and no matter the cause, it always gives the same outcome: you wake up!

I was very sick, but in spite of that I still had this joy inside me, because I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test! My heart was overfilled with joy. The nausea had set in, adding to my already sick self, but I didn’t care because it meant that a little one was growing inside me. The very thing I had prayed and prayed for to happen, had finally happened; I was pregnant!

But that joy didn’t last long. I can remember the sinking feeling I go when the bleeding started. But I easily pushed that aside with the hope that perhaps my little one would still make it. I pushed the “snooze” button on my “wake up call.”  It was only when the doctor told me that I had been pregnant but had miscarried that it finally sunk it. I couldn’t ignore the alarm anymore. No more pushing “snooze”…I knew there was no hope. I had lost the babe and now I didn’t even know if I would ever get pregnant again.

This was my wake up call. I knew it was time to change. I had to stop living for myself…I had to stop allowing myself to think that I would never make it anywhere with my eating disorder. It was time to face the truth and allow that truth to set me free. It was time to take the advice of all my Spiritual mentors. It was time to change.

God used my miscarriage to wake me up and today I am more free from my eating disorder than I have ever been!

In a war, it is the battles that win it. In other words, one has to win the battles to win the war. You have to have the small victories to gain the overall victory. It is much the same in Spiritual warfare as well!

All the time leading up to my miscarriage, I had been doing two very detrimental things when it comes to my eating disorder…my dark sin. I had first off been telling myself I would never make it. I would never be freed from it. This kept me from even trying and much like when you tell yourself that on a run, it stopped me from going another stride.

The second thing I did was to believe that I had to win the overall war. I had to conquer the whole thing at one time. But truth be told, just like it doesn’t work that way in real wars, it doesn’t in spiritual ones either. You have to win the little battles, you have to have the small victories to gain the big ones!

Once I realized these two things I began to really fight…to really run!

I started having the small victories. Instead of only eating oatmeal at lunch I started eating an actual “normal” meals at lunch. Instead of eating as little as possible and leaving the table still hungry, I started eating till I was satisfied.

Instead of eating only one slice of pizza, I ate 2 or 3. Instead of running everyday, and freaking out when I couldn’t, I quit running on Sundays and I don’t sweat it if I don’t run for a day or two because of this or that (although this sometimes still is a struggle because I LOVE running lol). Instead of freaking out when the scale reads over 110, I choose to be okay with that, realizing it isn’t about a number, it is about glorifying God in the body He gave me and not making my body about me “And whatsoever you do, whether you EAT or drink, DO ALL to the GLORY of God.”

Instead of making runs a must, I see them as a gift. Each day I get to run is a grace gift from God. I run to maintain not to lose all.

These all may seem like small things to you. But to me they are little victories! The above are things I  NEVER did or thought when totally controlled by my eating disorder. You would never catch me being able to do or think like that. But by God’s grace I’m not who I used to be. I can do those things (and more). I can see my weight…my runs…my food with an all new perspective. The truth has set me free!

God also brought along some accountability. I needed outside accountability, and He brought me just that in the form of a fellow Pastor’s wife. She touched base with me and checked in on me. I could tell her when I was really struggling and she was always praying for me. Accountability is HUGE in overcoming sin, especially deep set lifestyle sins!

And the beauty of this whole thing, is that my worst fear (that I will return to my eating disorder…that I will fall back to where I was and lose all this progress) does depend on me but also does’nt! For it is God Who keeps me steadfast. Of my own accord, yeah I will start to lose these small victories again…but that is the beauty because it is God Who keeps me steadfast, not me: Ps. 51:12 “Restore to me the joy of Your Salvation, and UPHOLD me by YOUR generous Spirit.” It is God who will uphold me, Who will keep me on track. I can’t go it alone. Everyday I acknowledge this to God, and I beg Him to keep me steadfast. To keep me on the straight and narrow especially when it comes to my eating disorder.

PS. 46:1

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” I used to think of this verse in the context of the big troubles of life. Like God is my refuge when:

When we are homeless and live at church for 3 months

I lose my grandpa

I lose a child to miscarriage

My brand new baby is sent to the NICU with breathing problems

“God is our refuge and strength a very PRESENT (right there with me) help in trouble.” But the truth is, we are ALWAYS in trouble! We live in a fallen world, with a fallen body and fellow other fallen bodies…we live under a curse. WE ARE ALWAYS IN TROUBLE, WE ALWAYS NEED HIM!

It is very specific on how present He is with us (the word “very”), but not specific about the “troubles”…because for one we all face different troubles, no two are alike…but also because we are always in trouble. And since this is true, we should always be relying on Him! In the seemingly good times and in the bad times also. Two truths from this verse :God is always present and we are always in trouble!

So no matter if you are in a seemingly good time or bad, remember God is present with you and He will help you out of your troubles, be they big or small.

But maybe you are like me. Maybe you have a sin you just can’t seem to shake. May I encourage you to start by identifying the small victories you need to start winning and tackle them!  And get on your knees everyday, tell God you need Him…He will rise up to help you! He always does!

1 John 4:4 “You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He Who is in you is GREATER than he who is in the world!”

Let God fight for you!