Do THEY count?

In light of the fact that October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I decided to write about something I struggled through. Perhaps, I am completely alone in this struggle…perhaps I am the only one who has ever had these thoughts and struggles…but I want to venture out onto a limb and say that I highly doubt it! I am certain there are others out there, just like me, maybe a bit different of circumstances, but still struggling and wrestling with this very dark and fear filled agony of the question “did he/she count?”

So with that I begin. There I was lying once again on a hospital bed, shirt up over my belly getting an ultrasound of our latest gift from God Himself. My two girls and husband sat closely by. As soon as the little one’s tiny 9 week old body showed up onto the screen my two year old pipes up “baby! It’s a baby!” Quickly followed by a “get it out!”

To which we all laughed, even the ultrasound tech! I told Miriam that this little one was not quite ready to join us outside of my tummy, but that he/she was very small and needed time to grow. In her two year old mind that evidently meant nothing, she still kept saying “get it out!”

My attention was quickly turned away from her to the ultrasound tech as she began asking me the questions and explaining to me how far along the ultra-sound thought I was and gave me a due date. One of the questions she came to, stopped me up a bit short. “Did you have any miscarriages?”

NOT the thing you want to be asked on a day that is normally a joyous day. The day you first get to see your little one on screen and you breathe a sigh of relief when you see it’s heart beating. I swallowed hard. I don’t really talk a lot about the miscarriage. It happened two years ago. “Yes. I did. Between this one (pointing to my eldest) and this one (pointing to my youngest).” She began typing and I wanted to fill the silence so I followed up with “It was very quick though. I got a positive pregnancy test and started bleeding like a day or two later (the memory is getting fuzzier and fuzzier).”

She stopped typing and turned to me “Do they (meaning the doctors) count that?”

I stammered a bit…it would have hurt less if she had just slapped me. In my head I knew she was just probably asking this because in the Medical field they usually do not see babies at that gestation as…well...babies. But in my heart it hurt and stung because to be honest that very question was the one Satan and my sinful flesh had been wrestling through. Thankfully the room was dark…she couldn’t see my cheeks flush pink in shame that I, like the secular medical field had fallen prey to the lie that babies at that gestation didn’t count.

I answered her “Well, I think they counted it…at least in Des Moines I think they did, that is where I used to go before we moved here to Western Iowa.”

She went back to typing and probably thought nothing again of that little exchange…but OH HOW I HAVE!

Her question “did they (doctors) count that?” mirrored my own heart for the longest time. Even, shamefully I was still asking that question when I went in for that appointment. But I am SO thankful she asked that! Because God really used that to settle in my mind what I now know and hold to as true!

Here I am going to get super real with you about what was going through my thoughts and it may be hard to swallow and a little too personal, if this offends I sincerely apologize. That is far from my intent. I just want to be real and honest.

It is so easy to just know that if you lost your baby at 9 or 10  weeks gestation even later on up to having a child born still, that they counted. That they were a “BABY”.  They have formed and sometimes you can even tell the gender so you can give them a proper name, and not some gender neutral name like “S.J” (what we named ours. Simeon if it was a boy, Jubilee if it was a girl)  because you didn’t even know what it was.

Sometimes you get to deliver them and hold them…take pictures of tiny feet, as in the case of my little brother Joshua, whom God called to heaven when he was at just 16 weeks gestation. Of course THEY count!

But what about ones that are lost at 4 …or even 5 weeks? I was told by my doctor who gave me the results that I had miscarried that this happens all the time and most women don’t even know it. So if this happens all the time…what about those babies…do they count? Especially the ones whose moms (innocently) didn’t even know or notice?

What about them? Do they count?

  Because I got pregnant with this our fourth baby (see I eventually did work past all this questioning...bear with me and I will show you how God brought me here!)…anyways, because I got pregnant with our fourth baby so quickly after our third my doctor scheduled a SUPER early ultrasound…like I am talking just days after my positive pregnancy test. She wanted to get an idea of where I was at. We went in and come to find out little baby number 4 was just 4 almost 5 weeks! Around the age of S.J when he/she went home to heaven.

As we looked at this tiny speck that was honestly just a blob against a little black spot, the tech turned to me and said “it is only about the size of a grain of rice!”

A grain of RICE! TINY!! So that was the size that S.J. was (maybe even smaller) when he/she went home.

When I was really struggling, I was wrestling a lot with the resurrection of the dead. How in the WORLD would you first of all locate a grain of rice…and then resurrect that? And would you turn it into a normal life sized version of what it would have been? I mean who wants to go through eternity the size of a grain of rice???

I hate to think that my mind had to think through that…and I am ashamed of it…but I want to be real and honest and that is the truth about my thoughts.

But what God through His Spirit lead me through… it was much like what God did with Job…God asked Job questions, Job didn’t  know the answer to. God did the same with me.

Questions flooded my head:

*How did your Savior walk on water? I mean really? Scientifically how do I explain that?

*How was the Red Sea parted? Scientifically how do I explain that?

*How did Sarah bear Isaac in old age when way past child bearing? Medically how do I explain that?
*How did a virgin get pregnant? Medically how do I explain that?

My answer??? I DO NOT KNOW! I cannot explain any of that other than GOD DID IT!

And if He can walk on water…part water and cause His people to walk through it on dry land…if He can cause an old woman to get pregnant and a virgin to get pregnant…all for HIS PURPOSE…HIS GLORY, then HE CAN RESSURECT a grain of sand  for His glory!!!

And all that aside, God used that miscarriage…He took S.J. and it woke me up. Woke me up to some serious sin that still held fast a hold on me. Because of that I am more free today than I ever have been. I am so shamed and saddened that it took taking a child from me…but I wouldn’t trade what God did in my heart and life to set me free. I wish that He could have done it another way…but so too Jesus wished that He could’ve saved us another way “take this cup from me” But He willingly did what the Father required.

So my answer to “do they (babies lost super early…before you can even see them on a screen…before you get that first ultra sound picture…before you can really start to feel sick even…before you can hold them…touch them…find out the gender etc.) Do these count? YES!

While at family camp 1, the evening speaker spoke on heaven. He brought us to a passage in Revelation that reads:   “ After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands;”

The speaker, Curt Degraaf (I think that is how you spell that? Please correct me if I am wrong. He is the counseling Pastor at Saylorville church). He said this “multitudes?? How could there be multitudes of saved people (thus the white robes). So many that no one can even number them…how can this be when “straight is the way, and narrow the gate and FEW there be that find it” (Matthew 7:14).

And sitting there I was like…”yeah how in the world??”

His answer shocked me. But since I have adopted the same theory he holds to. He said “I believe these are aborted babies!!”

Jaw dropping moment!! Talk about an ah-hah moment! But then the Spirit took me a bit further…miscarried babies! I believe that great host will have them there too!

And maybe Curt and I are totally off…but how else would you explain that?

All I know is, God loves children! He heard the voice of one, that wasn’t even a chosen child of his. He heard his voice crying out in the wilderness and He helped his mother and him. Why? He loves children! Ishmael was that boy’s name! I know Jesus loves children! He said “Let the little children come unto me!”

He loves S.J. He loves ______ (fill in the blank of one you lost or one you know who was lost). He loves them no matter how old they are! He loves them no matter what SIZE they are! They matter…they count! That is why we must be against abortion! Never in my life had my mind really wrestled through so deeply the question of “when does a baby become a baby” then when I lost one. It helped me to settle in my mind the truth that life truly does start at conception! It showed my true colors and it helped me to become even more settled in that belief and TRUTH!

Life starts at conception! THEY ALL COUNT!!!

Gray, is it closer to white? Or Black?

Gray….it is one of the strangest colors out there! And I have yet to meet a person whose favorite color is gray! Is gray closer to white or black? Well, it depends on who you ask, right? Just like a glass with water in it. Is it half full? Is it half empty? Again it would depend upon which person you ask.

Convictions. This is a strong word with many strong feelings and controversy!!
Friendships have been forged and also abandoned in its wake. Fights have been had, but also resolutions have been made, all under the umbrella of this one thing: convictions.

It has the potential to draw a family
Together or tear them apart. And here I speak of families both physical and spiritual. Both families that are made by blood and that have been made "families" through the blood of Christ!!

My sister called me today. There was nothing out of the ordinary for the phone call at first. We swapped mama horrors, dramas, and funnies from our littles recent ventures in their lives. Somehow we got on the subject of snapchat. God has lead me to and given me the conviction that I should not have snapchat. Josh also does not have snapchat and we will not allow our children to have it either. There are many things that God showed us to bring us to this conviction. I shared a few of these with my sister after she pressed me to get it and shared why she thinks it is ok. We got to arguing about it and finally I was like "let's quit trying to convince eachother to go another way, obviously the Spirit has worked differently within our lives, I don't know why at this point that He has, but He has. I am not judging you for having snapchat, please don't judge me for not." And we moved on to better brighter things to talk about!! 

I actually was not going to write this blog post. I had a strong ickling to write this one and kinda put it on the back burner. But this morning I could not put it there anymore! Nope it came front and center! But as I got to thinking of all the possible people that might end up reading this, I began to think through some possible responses from some, and I got a bit scared. This is afterall a very VERY controversial and an "in your face" issue! But then I had the conversation with my sister and I knew it was time! So thankyou Krista for being God's little nudge to me!

I am writing this because I am so tired of people (often times well meaning and good people) trying to make their conviction, THE conviction.
Yes we are to stand upon our convictions, but when (note I didn't say "if" because it is guaranteed that someone has a different conviction than you).  But when our convictions are different than the one next to us in the pew, what do we often do???

We try and convince them that our conviction is THE conviction. Now some do not do this, for which I am thankful, but more often than not Ive seen time and again people try and make their conviction, THE conviction.

Now let me premise this whole deal that there are THE CONVICTIONS! Such as the virgin birth, that God created the world and all creation. That there is One God, that there is One Son and One Spirit and all three are One!! And I could go on. There are explicit convictions within Gods Word that are to be THE convictions.

However, what I am speaking to today is the gray areas. Now I am not here to argue the point that there are gray areas in scripture (I will let you wrestle with that alone). It is pretty clear to me that there are gray areas within scripture.

Now there are definite black areas: sex before marriage, lying in any form, adultery, murder, gossip, stealing in any form (all of these being the fruit sin of the deeper roots of pride and unbelief). And I could go on but that's just to name a few!

And there are definite white areas of scripture: abstinence before marriage, showing kindness to your friends and enemies, giving to God and others, paying taxes,
Serving within the local church, sharing Jesus Christ with the lost world (and so much more)!!!

And there are also gray areas. These areas are not explicitly talked about within scripture. It never says "thou shalt not go to movies" or "thou shalt not listen to music with drums"
Or "thou shalt not have snap chat" or "thou shalt not have a part in any social media" or "thou shalt boycott target" or "thou shalt homeschool your kids" .....and I could go on but I'll spare you once again.

However, there are verses and principles that the HOLY SPIRIT (note I said Holy Spirit there not your peers or people within your church or even your Pastor or parents).
That the Holy Spirit uses to convict you of how He wants you to stand on these gray areas that are foggy and hard to tell where exactly
You should land on these issues. Note I didn't say He will lead you to where you want to land or where your parents want you to land or where your Pastor or Teachers want you to land, but where He wants you to land on these subjects.

And often the convictions that the Holy Spirit has given you ( note I didn't say "your convictions" there, because they aren't yours and they are not ever about YOU anyways!! But I'll get to that in a minute)...anyways where was I?? Oh yes, often the convictions that the Holy Spirit has given you will be different for those you meet along the path of the Christian walk.
And what do we do then?? And another question that comes to mind and bears asking is "why do
We have so many different convictions anyways?? Won't that just cause more troubles??? Why would the Holy Spirit cause problems among us by giving us all different convictions??"

I'll answer the second question and hopefully that will help guide us to answer the first one!

I believe we have different convictions because God has a different plan for each of His children. He equips us with the exact gifts for the areas He wants us to serve in, and I believe He equips us with the exact convictions for the people He wants us to reach and the areas of service He calls us to as well.

So even our convictions are never about us! They are about God and others! And have you ever noticed how over time sometimes your
Convictions change?? And not always for the looser side, sometimes for the stricter! Why?? Because often our areas of service change and the gamut of people we serve changes!

I think this was partly what the Apostle Paul was getting at when he said "I have become all things to all people"  so that what??? "He could win the more"

You see our convictions are not even about us!!
Let me show you an example from my own life.

I grew up with two sisters. One really close in age (two years older) and one much younger (ten years younger).
My sisters all growing up and to this day like and enjoy wearing clothes that reveal a bit more than what I like to wear. Now the Bible tells us to dress modestly, but it never explicitly lays out what that means: like you must have your skirts a specific number of inches above your knee or you must have your shirts come only so far down from your collar bone.

No explicit rules. So what do we do?? We read Gods Word about such issues and listen to godly people around us and allow the Spirit to use those things to guide us to where He wants us to land.

Now my sisters by no means dress immodestly they just dress a little
More looser than I am comfortable with. Is this bad? Am I in the wrong? Or are they? Answer: neither!

I was really contemplating this the other day and asking myself "why would the Spirit lead me in such a way but not them?" I mean we had the same parents and pastors growing up....you would think we would land in the same boat on this.

Then I got to thinking where God lead us. He lead my sister to be married and be a stay at home mom.
He lead me to be a Pastor's wife.
And that's when it hit me...convictions are not about US!!!!
They are about how God is going to use us to glorify Himself and WHO God is seeking to win through us!

And He is God therefore He is not constrained to work in only ONE way.
By this I mean that sometimes He uses people that are stricter in these areas to win people  to Christ or to encourage a fellow brother or sister in Christ, and sometimes He uses the more loose people in these areas to win people to Christ and to encourage a fellow brother or sister in Christ.

If we all listened to the old hymns how could we win and help the younger generation?? Yet if we listened
To only newer music how could we win and help those who are of the older generation???
God uses people in both camps of convictions! Both loose and strict! Our convictions are not about us! Nothing is or was ever to be about us, but all about God and others!!!

If we all homeschooled our kids who would there be to BE the LIGHT in the darkness??? "Whom shall I send, and Who will go for ME??" God needs both parents who homeschool and those who send to public school!!

If we all boycotted target who would show the workers there that we are not hating them?? And that we love others and again be lights in the darkness?? Yet if none of us boycott then what do we do with passages that talk about us standing in the gap? And pulling together to stop wrong??? God needs both those who boycott and those who do not! He uses both!!!

I could go on and on, but yet again I will spare you. I realize many would like to argue with me about these areas being "gray" but I'm not going to waste my time with that. Because if you want to argue that these areas are either black or white than clearly you are already trying to make your conviction THE conviction. And when we do this, we are being proud. We think that somehow our way is THE way and we are making it all about us!!!
Again these are not YOUR convictions, these are gifts to you from the Holy Spirit so that HE can accomplish HIS purpose in your life and the lives of those around you for HIS glory!

So quit calling them "your beliefs" "your convictions" call them gifts! Call them convictions that God gave you! That God lead you to!

Yes share your convictions with others, use principles within scripture and verses to back them up and reasons why or why not to do or not do something.
But then leave it in the other persons court. Yes perhaps God is going to use you to lead that person to the same conviction as you. And if He does, does that mean your conviction is THE only conviction in that area?? No!! It just means that God wanted that person to align with your conviction because He has a special purpose for glorifying Himself in that persons life in such a way that involves them having the same conviction as you!! It is never about us!!!

And perhaps it is not in Gods plan that this person align with the same conviction as you. What then?? Peaceably come to an agreement to disagree. Don't be proud (either of you) thinking that the other person is being stubborn or pig headed or stuck in the clouds. For really you are bashing Gods work in their life!!!

When you look down on someone for not having the same conviction as you, you are bashing God and the Holy Spirit's work in their life! So don't! Don't make it about you! Only God can change a heart. You just handle sharing convictions how you are to handle sharing the gospel. You share and let God do the rest.

Stepping off soap box now.

Parenting: A look at God Himself!

“If Ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask Him?” Luke 11:13

AND HE DOES!!!! The Spirit is exactly what we all need at every moment! And it is exactly what God gives to us. But just as with any gift, we can accept it or reject it (choosing salvation found in Christ or choosing to reject that Salvation found in Christ. We only get the Holy Spirit when we accept Christ as our Savior.

But far too often we accept this gift of the Holy Spirit only to lay it on the shelf, alone and forgotten. Like an old birthday gift that has lost it’s first charm.

We quench Him. We say “no” to His “Yes”. And we grieve Him, we say “yes” to His “no”. We also don’t give Him anything to work with. The Holy Spirit uses God’s Word within our hearts to give us direction and to change our hearts. But too often we leave the Word on the shelf, giving the Holy Spirit no fuel with which to work with. It would be like filling the car with gas but leaving the keys in the house. We get in, but we can’t start it. The power is there (the Holy Spirit never loses His power) as we have gas in the vehicle. But we don’t have a way to start it up.

Every time I give Miriam a gift, it delights my soul to see her enjoy it and gladly accept it. Here I get a small glimpse of what it must be like to God when He gives us gifts J.

But this also swings the other way…if Miriam doesn’t accept my gift, or isn’t delighted, or just plain ignores it altogether…this would upset me…especially after going to all the work to give her joy.

This too, is a small picture of what it must be like for our Father when we are not delighted in His gifts, or when we ignore them. So I pray daily “Lord, open my eyes to your gifts.” And He DOES! There are SO many blessings and gifts with which God blesses us with daily! It is not that we are not blessed, but rather we lack eyes to see that we truly are blessed and we lack eyes to see the gifts which He gives us!

And there is yet, another way this goes. There are times where I have to with-hold a gift from Miriam. And this… this grieves my mama heart folks!

A month ago she refused to eat her lunch, which is not an uncommon thing for her to do from time to time.

She thoroughly enjoys helping me make cookies. Now, my mama heart wants to think that this is because she enjoys spending time with me…but I’m almost certain that the reason she enjoys it so is because of what she gets at the end: to lick the spatula and bowl lol!

I needed to make cookies on this particular day and I had been looking forward to doing this with her after lunch. However, since she refused lunch, I had to teach her a hard lesson. I needed to get her attention and show her that refusing to eat lunch was a wrong choice she had made. The only way to do this was to make cookies without her…and in front of her and not let her lick a single thing!

Oh how it pained my heart to do that!

How I wanted to enjoy her fellowship in making cookies and see the delight upon her face when I allowed her to lick the spatula and bowl!

My Father in heaven, had to do a similar scenario with one of His own daughters: me!

Back last spring, when I miscarried, I was still holding onto my sin of an eating disorder. God needed to get my attention. So instead of granting me my longed for and earnestly prayed for little blessing, He instead gave and then quickly took that precious soul away. I, at the time, saw Him as cold and heartless (wrong thinking I know) but I needed that miscarriage to get a hold of my heart. To grab my attention and get my focus on Him and to realize my wrong and to call on Him for deliverance. Which thankfully because of Him I am more free today than I ever have been and it has been nearly 10 years since I began letting this sin take over my life! HALLELUJAH!

In my grace, I saved Miriam the paddle for another day when she did eat her lunch (which just so happened to be the next day). And in His grace, God did grant me another child on another day. We know her as Rachel Renae, or Squeaky J. She is our rainbow baby!

So sometimes, God does give and sometimes He takes away when needed. Yet still, we say “blessed be the name of the Lord our God!” Now I realize that this verse is talking about the gift of the Holy Spirit, but we also know from scripture that God gives SO many other gifts, and one of them being children J “Behold, children are a GIFT from the Lord!”

And sometimes this goes yet another way entirely. Some think that when God punishes someone, or “chastens” to use the Biblical terminology for how God sometimes gets the attention of those who have been redeemed, some think that when He does this He does it out of anger. Like the hot burning anger of a mother or father who just found their child covered in mud in the middle of the living room. Mud is plastered literally everywhere and company is set to come the next day. Seething with anger, the parent responds in an unbiblical manner and lashes out at the child. Striving to get back at the child for what the child did to them. We call this the retaliation response. This would be reacting instead of acting. This would be punishing out of anger, and anger cannot ever produce in our children the righteousness of God James 1! Anger never works! Yelling never works. Elijah expected God to be in the BIGNESS and He came in the smallness! He expecting a yell and got a whisper instead. This is what God’s kids need, and this is what our kids need too! And to be honest with you a whisper is a whole lot scarier!

Responding to our kids like the scenario above as I said is unbiblical, but for many of us this is either how our parents responded all the time or some of the time. And we often think that “God is altogether like us” when He indeed is so far from! One night a few months ago, I had to give Miriam a spanking. I HATE giving her spankings. I don’t like doing it. Now, I must admit to you that there are times when my sinful flesh and my selfishness gets the better of me. Miriam cramps my style, stops me from being able to enjoy something, or the worst embarrasses me in front of other people. And I respond in my pride with anger instead of grace. I respond with retaliation instead of discipline.

But this particular night, I had to spank her. As I was walking down the hallway to her room I could feel my heart sink lower and lower because I did not want to have to spank her…then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks and brought hot stinging tears to my eyes. This, this is how God must feel (rather this must be as close to a picture of how God must feel because I am but finite and He Infinite). God must on some way higher level, feel pain in having to bring the ones who He loves punishment and chastening.

Whenever He punishes me I think of Him like I think of myself towards Miriam when I am punishing her unbiblically. I think of Him as some kind of wrath filled God that is just out to get me for what I just did. It never registered with me of how it must hurt Him to have to punish one of His own!

And on an even bigger scale how much it must have hurt Him to crush His One and Only Son Jesus! WOW! Just wow! Sometimes I so wish Miriam would just follow the rules and boundaries set for her so I wouldn’t have to punish her. God on an even higher and holier level feels the same about us.

 I truly believe it grieves Him to have to get our attention in the tough stuff of life. I truly believe it crushes Him. Because if it crushes me, a depraved human, it must crush an almighty Holy God Who loves so unconditionally and perfectly 1 Cor. 13!

There are so many pictures of God that I keep finding as I parent, and it just warms my heart and gives me goosebumps! Parenting opens ones eyes more and more to the character and person of God, if we but open our eyes!

~Happy Six Months Squeaky~

Tomorrow my Rachel, our little rainbow baby, “squeaky” as we call her, turns 6 months! HALF A YEAR FOLKS! Where has the time gone?!?!

I can’t believe that just six months ago I held her tiny pink colored body in my arms for the first time, and now she is cooing and rolling around and will probably up and crawl one of these days! Blows my mind that God saw fit to bless us with such a sweet and gentle spirited little lass!

So in honor of her turning half a year, I decided to write up her birth story J Im pretty sure I wrote up Miriam’s like a couple weeks post partum…but hey at least I am writing it J

We had planned to deliver Rachel in the exact same hospital we delivered Miriam: Methodist in Des Moines. However, that was us “planning our way” BUT GOD ordered our steps:

I had been having fevers every night for almost a week, and nobody could figure out why. I went to the dentist and had a tooth pulled because I thought it was infected, but the fevers persisted. I think the Dentist was nervous about pulling it as I was 36 almost 37 weeks along. They took all the precautions they could, but that being said they couldn’t give me their normal drug to numb the pain. Let me just say I felt EVERYTHING, but never said a word of course. I was so tired of the fevers that I was willing to do anything…and I just wanted that tooth out!

Sad to say, I went through all of that all for not so it seems, because the fevers continued! Every afternoon long about 4pm until early the next morning I would get a low grade fever and chills and contractions would start up.

I called and called the doctor’s office in Des Moines, trying to get answers and they just kept saying “take Tylenol” blah blah blah. Now they were right, that really was all I could do. However, the receptionist was exceptionally rude in her tone and the way she spoke to me. I do believe that was God’s way of pushing me to break the tie and swithch hospitals. ALL in His grace, and proved to me that yes, sometimes God does use even rude people in our lives!

I remember I was just fed up with that particular doctors office, so I got online and inquired with the Cass County Hospital in Atlantic to see if it would even be possible for me to switch to their care this late in the game. To my complete shock they said “of course.” Since I was this late in the game however, I wanted to get things switched over ASAP so that very day Josh took me down there to sign papers to have all my records transferred from the Doc in Des Moines to the Doc in Cass County.

In my flurry of excitement and just utter joy, because up until that point deep down I felt very nervous about trying to go all the way to Des Moines to deliver. Miriam came pretty fast! I was most likely in labor with her for days leading up to her birth, but I didn’t know it. They had to induce me due to the fact that they thought my bag of water was leaking. They induced me at 7:45 and she was born about an hour later! That being said, with as much contractions as I was having at this point with baby #2 I was getting really nervous that her birth would go just as fast as her bigger sister!

Anyways, where was I?? Oh yes, so in my flurry of excitement and just pure joy I ran out the door with my things and miss stepped and fell down (37 weeks pregnant) and twisted my ankle! So now, not only was I dealing with the soreness of having a tooth pulled but also a twisted and now swollen ankle! This was Thursday. The very next day I had my first doctors appointment in Cass County. It went very smoothly and come to find out the nurse is a Christian! What a blessing that was! Later that afternoon my mom and dad and sister as well as Josh’s mom and sister and soon to be sister in law, arrived for my baby shower, which was to take place the following day (Saturday).

Saturday went fairly smooth. We had the shower and got a ton of lovely pink things for miss Rachel to wear. That afternoon my family and Josh’s family took off. Little knowing that if they could’ve stayed one more night they could’ve been here for the big day! LOL!

Sunday. A Pastor’s biggest day of any week. We are always busy, always on call, but Sundays are some of our busiest days in ministry. But this wasn’t just any Sunday… no this was in fact the very Sunday that was set to be our Church’s annual Thanksgiving pot luck! There was also a business meeting scheduled for this day following the lunch. And to top it all off this was this Sunday was our anniversary of our first Sunday in Brayton!! Can anyone say BIG DAY??!!??!!

So of course this would naturally be a Pastor’s Kid’s first choice when it comes to the day they will “arrive”…I mean it only makes sense. After all Pastor’s kids never behave themselves and always cause a ruckus…so why shouldn’t Rachel start out on a good foot right at the start?? LOL!

And it was indeed Rachel’s choice, because it is said that babies are the ones who decide when to be born. It is their body who puts off the hormone that starts labor…or so I’ve heard..correct me if I am wrong??

Long about midnight I started labor as near as I can tell. Or at least that is when things got really uncomfortable. But me being….well me…I just kept on sleeping. Or at least trying to…and for the most part I succeeded. Every once in a while waking to some pain …every so often. But trying not to pay too much heed….because of all that was going on this particular Sunday..I knew I just “couldn’t be in labor.” So I continued trying to sleep. You see sleep is very important to me. In college I always went to bed at 9pm (unheard of in college huh?? Lol). I never had a later nighter or an all nighter. I go to be at roughly the same time each night and wake at the same time each morning as much as possible. I love my sleep and I also love to rise early. So as much as possible I try and stick to this and keep getting up in the night to a minimum. Which isn’t always easy now that I have children lol…

Finally, the pain started to get a little more intense closer towards 4 and 5am. Like enough to disrupt my sleep…this wasn’t good. Not today~!

Well I’ve always been an odd person. I don’t do certain things I don’t like to do unless someone tells me to do them.
For instance when I worked as a cook the last year (2012) before I got married. I fell into my eating disorder pretty badly. I lost a lot of weight and ate hardly anything at meal times (one piece of jellied bread and whatever fruit was being served). That was it. And I ran every day and a few times a week I biked around the lake with the other cooks. On top of that I worked hard in the kitchen. Lifting things and being on my feet all day and stirring things. I remember beginning to feel weak all the time…hungry all the time. It was a strange feeling. Almost like I was going to pass out…though I never did. As I said I ran every afternoon. The cooks get a break from 1-4 every afternoon. And as long as you don’t have any other responsibilities this time could be used however we saw fit.

Most smart and intelligent cooks would catch up on sleep (which actually was the general idea behind this break being set up for us). Because we started our day at 6am each morning in the kitchen, so this 1-4 break was a welcomed and beloved nap time. But instead of napping, my rebellious and sin filled heart decided that running would better suit me. So that’s what I did. I remember each day, as I sat down to tie my shoes, telling myself that if anyone ….and of my fellow cooks or either of my bosses…if they just came and told me not to run…I would do it. Of course they never did…and how could they know. I remember wishing as I got my feet pounding that pavement again that someone would come and tell me that I didn’t have to do this anymore. That I didn’t need to run anymore. That I could eat more…that I should eat more. But how could they? Because I snuck that piece of bread and jelly and went out to eat with the rest of the staff..they had no clue that I was only eating that much. They had no clue that sometimes I tried to get so busy with a job that they would forget to send me to lunch. And when they did that I just didn’t allow myself to eat anything!

You see I do this a lot when I am doing something I shouldn’t. I come up with an impossible circumstance and say “well if they tell me to stop_____ (fill in the blank)” then I will stop. Problem is the circumstances I draw up are impossible and ridiculous and would never happen. And I know this. And that’s why in my sick and twisted way of living I allow myself to keep on a path I shouldn’t! The reason I do this type of thing is because the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! Part of me wants to do right but the other part of me…my sinful flesh, does not and so it makes up some unrealistic circumstance in order to change and when that unrealistic circumstance doesn’t happen then I think that I am “off the hook” because if God really wanted me to change He would make that unrealistic thing happen! So sick and twisted…I hate to even admit that I do this…I “put out the fleece” so to speak…but I am forgetting that “God cannot be tested nor brought under the power of any.” This was not to be my release from the awful ensnaring sin….no years later a miscarriage would be used to break those chains.

So for that time I was still trapped and chained.

Other times when it is something I should do, as in the case of the morning of Rachel’s birth, I should have gone into the doctor sooner. But trying to tell myself that I couldn’t be in labor, I made up in my mind that I would wait til Josh woke and asked me what’s wrong and then we would go to the doctor. You see I didn’t want to go. I hate doctors and I hate lying on a table flat on my back in labor…I would much rather labor at home in my own bed, lying on my side or whatever position suits me at that moment.

Finally though the pain was so severe I could not ignore. Josh was not waking. I kept rolling over and groaning loudly…all to no avail. My plan wasn’t working…so in a moment of sheer frustration I got up out of bed with a huge thud as my feet hit the floor. Well that did it…my water broke! My prayers had been answered!

You see because I knew that we would be trying to travel an hour away to give birth, I knew that I needed to be in labor beyond a shadow of a doubt! I did not want to go an hours trip all for false labor. So at the very outset of the pregnancy I prayed that God would allow my water to break on its own, then there would be no questions asked, we would just know it was time and the doctors would have to see me.

So we packed our things…and I am so embarrassed to say that we actually left Miriam asleep in her room by herself! Our fantastic babysitter lives maybe 5 min. away. We called and told her I was in labor, she said she would be over ASAP. We waited for a couple minutes but I just knew we had to get going…so we did. We passed her shortly after leaving and Miriam was asleep and was home alone for maybe 2 min. total!

It is a great thing that we left when we did though, because we got to the hospital and Rachel was born 20 min. after arriving! And I’m not kidding! It was enough time to check in, get upstairs and into a gown and onto the bed. I answered as many questions (they still didn’t have all my records from the doc in Des Moines) as I could in between contractions and literally moments later she was born!

I remember the nurse telling me that I couldn’t push because the doctor wasn’t here yet. She told me to pant. So I tried that for like a couple seconds. I told her “this isn’t working” she told me it had to work and told josh to get in my face and pant with me. So here is my hubby in my face trying to get me to pant. I literally would’ve started laughing had I not been in the throes of labor! We had to have been a sight! Here he is panting to his wife, only hours later to be on a stage preaching to the congregation of our church! All in a days work eh?!?!

So yeah I was like “um nope pantin aint working nursey” (I didn’t really say exactly that…lol). I just said “no this isn’t working…I am going to push.” And just like that she got off her computer from entering in my information and got over to me in time to catch Rachel!

Now this is ALL of God because Rachel had the cord wrapped around her kneck as she came out. The Nurse knew what to do and showed Josh (for future reference…not that we would need it ever lol). Now since Josh didn’t know this very pertient information, as near as we can calculate, if we had stayed with the Doc in Des Moines we would have been about to Stuart Iowa on the interstate when Rachel would’ve been born! Josh may or may not have known what to do about that cord..I am SO thankful we didn’t have to find that out the hard way! I also am so thankful that we switched when we did! We literally switched just 3 days before Rachel was born! God knew!

We planned our way but God ordered our steps! We thought we had it all covered…but God actually had it all covered!

Shortly after her birth they had me try to nurse her. She started making a weird noise and began to turn blue. So the nurse took her from me. After hitting her back she got her to pink up again. Josh and I thought nothing of it really. She seemed healthy. A good 6.7 and ¾ of a pound. Nice and pink. She was 37 weeks. Miriam was only 36 and she didn’t have to go to the NICU though they had them on standby for her the night she was born.

We assumed that things would go just like they did with Miriam. Yeah um we obviously had only one kid up to this point and thought that kids all follow the same pattern…we learned quickly they do not!

Josh left to go and preach and by this time the nurses thought it had been long enough and wanted me to try Rachel nursing again. But the same thing happened, only this time they whisked Rachel away from me. Leaving me in my room…wondering what in the world was going on. I quickly texted josh and my family to keep them abreast to what was going on. Mom called me and told me to go and see where they took Rachel. I was so nervous…I mean here I was in a Hospital I didn’t really know much about and now I was about to go wandering around to try and see where my daughter had been taken. I didn’t even know if me wandering around was “Kosher”???

But I took a deep breath and worry and concern of a mother for her dear child sent me on a mission. I walked out and met a nurse almost instantly in the hallway “I want to know where they’ve taken my daughter” I told her who I was and who she was. She led me to the nursery, where Rachel lay hooked up to oxygen through her nose. The nurse let me know that they were ordering a chest xray to rule out any heart abnormalities. They were also calling the NICU in Des Moines and seeing if a transfer was possible as Rachel’s case was more than this hospital was prepared in equipment and staff to handle. So for a few hours I watched as they poked and prodded my little girl.

I saw other babies brought in for check ups so they could be released. They cried at the slightest touch from a nurse and here my little girl was getting poked with needles and barely making a peep. It wasn’t because she was tough…it was because she didn’t have the breath support needed for crying. She was preserving her energy to breathe. Josh arrived hours later to the same scene. We by then knew we would be transferred to Des Moines. I would get my first ambulance ride. Josh kissed me and promised to go home and get Miriam and head to Des Moines so we would be together.

The hospital was kind enough to release me the very day of my delivery (most unheard of eh?? Lol). This was so I could be with my daughter. The ambulance ride was extrememly bumpy! I was so glad that I had taken some ibuprofen before leaving the hospital!

The whole ride there, when I wasn’t conversing with the driver, I was praying and thanking God for all the blessings. You see I did not want to wallow in pity over my situation…or of worry over the what ifs (what if Rachel had a sickness or some kind of birth defect etc.).

I was also praying for a safe trip to the NICU. We made it safely there. They asked if I wanted to be wheeled to Rachel’s room, as I had “just given birth that day” (they put a lot of emphasis on this lol). And I was like “no I am fine.”

Inside I was worried a little, but I wasn’t overcome….I had a peace that I just knew God had this under control! I know a lot of people were praying!

When we got to her teeny tiny NICU room I was a bit shocked at how small it was…and how hard an uncomfortable the hard bed was where I was going to sleep. I was also shocked at the fact that she was placed under a hood of oxygen …and I would not be allowed to hold her. How thankful I am that the ENT’s who transported her let me give her one last kiss before heading to the NICU. I would be savoring that and letting that hold me over for a day or so.

The nurses that first night were extremely helpful and caring. Their names were Mary and Rachel. We all had a good laugh over that because our girls are named Miriam (Hebrew form of Mary) and Rachel. And turns out that Mary’s husband’s name was also “Josh.” That was God’s grace because we all had a laugh about it! Laughing is the best medicine and it helped to lighten the worry and fear that was beginning to creep in.

Thankfully Rachel improved quickly and we got to go home just 2 days after arriving J! But even if that had not been the outcome…God would still be the loving and faithful and Gracious God that He is and would have seen us through!

Rachel is such a blessing to our family! She is for the most part a really layed back baby! She brings us much joy and we are all so smitten by her! She is a gentle soul and just smiles at almost anybody!

I am SO thankful for God! Who He is and how He has worked in and through my life! Praise be to Him for His wonderful blessings! Celebrating Rachel Renae’s sixth month is honestly ALL OF HIM!!!

I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me. PS. 13:6

When God Shuts a Door

We were so excited! In Elizabeth Illinois there used to be a camp, and at this camp there was a cabin type house. And the camp allowed Pastors and their families to stay there for a week each year for free. There was a pond for fishing and swimming and all kinds of livestock to look at and the cabin itself was HUGE! There were like 8 bedrooms! And there were all kinds of board games, and also a foosball table, and a hammock out back. We started planning this trip long before we took it. Dad had everything lined up like he always does. It was set to be a great and much needed vacation for a weary pastor and wife and their six kids!

Just days before, Joe and I decided took a sudden interest in walkee talkees. We knew we would be out in nature and have hiking trips and we wanted an awesome way to stay in communication with one another. We were completely convinced that walkee talkees  would make this trip THAT much better! The only problem was that at this particular time there was only one set of walkee talkees in the house...and they just happened to belong to our kid brothers Andrew and Caleb, who were maybe 6 and 5 at the time.

So we did the mature, elder thing to do....we snatched them away from the brothers. To our demise they of course resisted. But through either a trade or our pure force….I can't remember exactly which it was. We either traded them something (that most likely was no where worth their walkee talkees) or we used our big sizes and forced them to just give them to us. I want to think that it was the former.....but we were sin filled pastors kids, so most likely it was the latter. Oh wait, you thought all pastors kids were angels? Well my apologies for bringin light to that line of thought! Lol!

Anyways, a few days before the trip the boys (as we called them) got upset about these walkee talkees. After watching us use and interact with them their jealousy got the best of them. Now that I think about it, I'm almost certain we traded something for these walkee talkees. Is my family the only one who does this?? Your sib has something completely fantastic, you want it. So you go and grab something you own that will entice them. And you trade items. Much like native Americans!

Most of the time it worked out great for both parties and the trade "stuck". But other times it didn't go so hot. The trader sometimes saw the other sib with their traded item. And just the very sight of them using and enjoying it (if it was a toy) or how good they looked in it (if it was a clothing item) incited jealousy like none other.
The Thing you traded you had forgotten all about, but now seeing it enjoyed and flaunted before you, suddenly it becomes the very thing you want back! But alas it is in the arms of another owner! And this is exactly what occurred just days before the trip. Joe and I thought our trade was secure, and set in stone. But alas the boys grew restless, somehow the sight of Joe and I using them enticed them and they brought their case before the “judge” (aka:dad).

J

oe and I thought our possession of those walkee talkees  was coming to a quick end. But much to our surpise, Dad told the kid brothers that they had made a trade and would have to stick with that. But he must’ve told them something else, because when they left that conversation with our dad, they both had a slight smirk on their faces. That is when dad approached Joe and I.  As we reveled in and high fived to the fact that we had just one these walkee talkees, dad approached us and said very simply “You are gonna kick yourselves.”

Joe and I looked at eachother completely puzzled. “Puh, yeah right dad! We have these now free and clear! What do you even mean we are going to kick ourselves?” I asked defiantly (I was an extremely strong willed child…now you know where Miriam gets it eh? Lol).

“I just mean that you’re gonna kick yourselves.” And that’s all dad said. But he said it in such a way, like he knew something we didn’t know.

But Joe and I just shrugged it off. We were too happy and content with the walkee talkees we had NOW, with what we could SEE right before us.

And we forgot all about dad’s warning “You are gonna kick yourselves.” That is until we got into the van to leave for the trip. There we were all crammed into our conversion van. The three youngest had all been strapped into their seats, and us three eldest had taken our seats. Joe and I laughing and giggling about and still reveling in our walkee talkees. The boys (Andrew and Caleb) didn’t seem bothered, or even jealous of our walkee talkees. That is when dad handed a brand new walkee talkees out. He had 4 brand new, more mature looking walkee talkees. You have to understand that the walkee talkees Joe and I had were as “kiddish” as they come, They were purple and had huge buttons and a very kid looking design. These four new ones my dad had bought were blue, and had no kid features. They were adult type walkee talkees. With a morse code chart.

Joe and I got wide eyes. And that’s when dad’s simple phrase hit me “You are gonna kick yourselves.”

Jealousy burned! And we desperately tried our best to come along side the boys and offer them their kid walkee talkees back in exchange for the newer, better, more mature ones. But they would not relinquish them! Their slight smirk was now a full blown smile. They had waited and it paid off!

They listened to what my father had said about the fact that he had bought brand new ones specifically for this trip. In fact my dad had bought these even before Joe and I got the boys’ walkee talkees. My dad had planned all along to give us these…but we had settled for the lesser, only because we could SEE it and we could have it NOW!

We cried out to dad…claiming that the walkee talkees we had now really were the boys’ and they had wanted them back and we were now willing to give them back, but dad just told us “I told you, you were gonna kick yourselves.”

And that’s all he said.

Fast forward to today. That story illustrates well what God has been teaching me lately.

Sometimes we have something, maybe a certain position, or an item, or a friendship, or whatever. And we think it is THE BEST THING. And then it gets taken away for whatever reason. And we throw a fit. We try to get it back…but it’s gone. And we ask why. We know God is in control and we know He could have changed things to work so we could keep it (whatever it was). But He didn’t and now we are left wondering why. Recently I lost something. It wasn’t much, but I finally had an opportunity to use my love of writing for the Lord, and then it was taken away. I was just getting into it and excited about it and God shut that door.

And I felt crushed. But then God brought to mind this story of the walkee talkees. And reminded me that sometimes, later on down the road I will understand and see why things get taken away. I too quickly get caught up in the “kid looking walkee talkees”…those things that I think are the absolute BEST, when really there is something even greater coming down the road (better walkee talkees). I can’t see them, but I must be like my younger brothers were, letting go of whatever it is that I thought was BEST and wait for what is even BETTER! My heavenly Father (much like my earthly father) has something bigger and better planned down the road, but we may miss it if we keep scrambling to keep those “kid walkee talkees”, those things that we love but God us showing us that we need to let them go.

Sometimes He shuts doors because He has something greater planned down the road. So the question is are we going to trust him and hold out? My younger brothers didn’t really know if my dad actually had the new walkee talkees. They had heard him say he had them but he never showed them. They had to trust in something they couldn’t see. I had to do this when I lost a baby last year. It was a super early miscarriage. People kept telling me that God was good and that He would grant me another baby down the road. I couldn’t see any proof of that…but just like my brothers, I had to trust that in the fact that my Father had a plan and would make all things beautiful in His time. And He did! He gave us Rachel! But even if He hadn’t, He told me in His Word that He does work all things out for good. I’ve heard it said that sometimes bad things happen because of our sin…sometimes because of the sin of others…sometimes because of Satan (think of Job), and other reasons,  but really that matters not because by the time that “bad” gets to you, it is God’s will FOR YOU! He only allows what He desires to happen.

So what are your struggling with today? Has God shut a door? May I implore you to wait! He has a plan, just like my earthly father did. He has something BETTER down the road. Right now things look blurry and what you lost seems like the BETTER thing, what could possibly be BETTER than ____ (fill it in with whatever door God has closed.)

But I assure you there is a BETTER! We may never see that BETTER here on earth, but we will one day in heaven! And no one will say “it wasn’t worth it.” So don’t kick yourself! Let it go and trust in what you cant see, be like my younger brothers! Don’t cling to your little walkee talkees, wait for the better ones to come!

Commended and Condemned

Feelings and truth do not always coincide. A lot of the time I feel a certain way about God....but in my heart I know it isn't true. Like sometimes I feel what I do or say commends me to Him. And other times what I do or say, I feel condemns me before Him. Or the opposite. Sometimes I feel what I choose not to say  or do commends me to Him...or
What I choose not to do or say condemns me before Him.
And when I follow those feelings I run around like crazy doing this that and the other thing to stay commended and not condemned....or I sit and wallow because I have failed in one way or another and I feel condemned. And usually my response is to ask forgiveness of God over and over and OVER!

So in all reality, in life, I'm either a little stuck up brown noser....or I'm the class bully who can't seem to get his act together. That's when I'm following my feelings.

But the TRUTH is that Christ died and rose again. He bore all my condemnation, and He also is my commendation to the Father God. Because of Christ I no longer am condmned for the things I do, but also nothing I do can further commend me to God.

So let's say I die a martyr....I'm still no more commended before God than the person who lived life for himself and accepted Christ on his deathbed. The ground is level at the cross and it stays that way! This doesn't change!

I can remember back to last spring and summer when our yard was covered in Josh's nightmare: DANDILIONS! Lol! He is one of "those people" you know the ones, who notices when even one blade of grass is taller than the rest! Lol!
Anyways I remember sittin outside and watching Miriam pick them. She never brought me one but I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't wait till the day she would!
I hate flowers. Everyone who knows me well knows this. I don't like getting flowers from my hubby. I think it is a waste of time and money. But I long for a little weed from a certain little gal. Why?

It isn't the weed or even the act of her giving it to me. It is just her. It is because it is from her.
I think it is the same with God. So that it isn't what I do for Him but that I do FOR Him.
I'm already commended to Him because of His Son. So nothing I do can bring me to any better of a standing with Him. And nothing I do can bring me to any worse of a standing with Him.

However what I do or don't do can affect how close I am to Him and with Him. But it is never He that moves. It is only I. I like to think of it this way. When My hubby walks his dog Shep, the dog is attached to him by a leash.
The leash represents Christ. There's no possible way the tie can be broken between Shep and Josh. They are attached. But Shep can wander off and go after distractions. Josh never moves away...Shep moves away but Josh stays where he is at.
Waiting for Shep. Sometimes if things get really crazy and Shep is heading for a road Josh will intervene and go after Shep.

God works the same way. We know this because of the 2 illustrations of this found in His Word. In Luke 15 it talks about a sheep in trouble. It ran away and injured itself. The Shepherd went after it. However it also talks of a son who runs away and gets into trouble and the Father waits at home.
God both waits at times for us and sometimes He comes after us.


I surrender and fell surrendered and fell and surrendered and fell SO many times when it comes to my eating disorder. I would fall into it and then God would convict me and I would come back to Him and be good for a while and then back to it and the whole cycle started over again.
That was while He was waiting for
Me. But then He came after me. And that He did through a miscarriage. He moved because He saw me running away again.

There are times when I feel like my miscarriage is all of God and I think of Him as a bully (there I said it....gasp I can't believe I just wrote that...but it's true)
And I wonder how He could do that to me???!!! Especially since apparently that kind of miscarriage happens a lot. A woman gets pregnant and then before the little one can even start growing the body aborts it. But my struggle was that HE LET ME KNOW IT!

He knew I was excited about it and He knew that I had prayed and prayed and prayed for another child. So of course I took test after to test to see if I was pregnant. And finally one came out positive. I knew I was pregnant.
And before I could really let it sink in that we would be parents again...that life was snuffed out.

And at times then...and still now I'm tempted to blame God. How could He??!! How could He let it happen in the first place and how could He let me know about it? But that's only how I felt...how I still feel sometimes.

But the truth is God doesn't with hold from us ANYTHING that is for our good. He didn't even with hold His own Son from me.
He allowed that miscarriage because that is what I needed to wake me up to the fact that I needed saving from my eating big disorder. That I was beginning to head down a path once again. The path of an eating disorder.

I am no more smiled on then I was when I was drenched in my eating disorder. Sometimes I feel that because I've come so far away from my eating disorder that God now smiles
On me more than He ever has...but the truth is He smiled on my just as much when I was struggling. He doesn't change in His love for or delight in us because of what we do or don't do.

He loved me just as much as an 89 pound self absorbed girl as He does now that I'm more free from it. And that truth in and of itself is freeing yet still more! Knowing that He doesn't change in His commendation or condemnation
Is such a freeing and awesome truth! Yes choices I make will either bring ME (not Him...there is a HUGE difference there) closer to Him or further from Him. But He doesn't look down with a frown and He isn't out to get me when I sin...but He also isn't up there somehow
Happier when I do right. He can't be brown nosed, and He can't be offended so much that He moves away. You see I'm tempted to see Him like me. Like somehow God is altogether like me. He judges people and moves closer or further away from people based on what they do or say or don't do or don't say. But that is feeling not truth. God is altogether not like us!

"These things you have done, and I kept silent; You thought that I was altogether like you; ps.50:21aIt is we who move not Him. He stays the same!

When God Calls for a Famine

The other night, I was in turmoil within. I have recently surrendered to God, that I will stay single if He would have me, or marry if He would have me to. And shortly after I surrendered, God brought Thomas into my life!

You see for a whole year or two of my life I had been telling God that I would never marry, and this past summer He got a hold of my heart, through a novel I was reading and through friends (though unbenounced to them: Jessie La Fluer, Bethany Moore, and Julie Farrell J ). They influenced me not by their words ness. But by their example! I saw how surrendered they were to God, and envied that, and realized by their light that I was missing something.

But that is another story entirely, which I already wrote a note about entitled (unsurrendered heart). I just posted that one on my blog as well, so you can read if you would like the background to this post J.

Anyways, so I had finally surrendered to God in the area of marriage and singleness, and He blessed me with a  relationship to Thomas.

And well the other night I was journaling to God, and just telling Him about some recent developments in my relationship to Thomas (no new news to God though!). And just pouring my heart out to Him.

All along Thomas and I have been taking different steps in our relationship. And we are now at a place where we are unsure as to where to go next, or even if God would have us continue on.

OH how I long to be able to continue on with Thomas, but you see I wanted it that night SO bad that I was not willing to give it up. God brought that to my attention, and I surrendered the relationship over to Him.

And the reason I did, the reason I surrendered, was because I knew that ultimately, even though continuing with Thomas is currently what my heart desires, that may not be what God desires of me. You see, God’s thoughts are not always our thoughts. Sometimes He leads and opens doors left and right, but at other times He still leads but shuts doors, that were once opened. And I knew that if it was not His will that we continue than it would ultimately be for my greater good that we not continue (Rom. 8:28).  

You see we serve an AMAZING God, who always knows exactly what He is doing. He is not like some child on an anthill with a magnifying glass, killing ants at random, with no rhyme or reason. No He is amazing because EVERYTHING He does and allows to happen has a purpose! I mean sure we as humans have a purpose for doing everything we do, but you see not always do we have the best purpose for doing what we do! But not God! He can be trusted because He not only has a purpose but His purpose is best, there can be nothing better!

And while this is a good reason to surrender to God, because He will do all for my greater good, I was convicted this morning that it is not the BEST reason to surrender to Him!

I read in Psalm 105: 16-17

“Moreover He called for a famine in the land;

         He destroyed all the provision of bread.

  He sent a man before them—

         Joseph—who was sold as a slave.”

This is obviously talking of the 7 year famine in the land of Egypt and Canaan during the time of Jacob and Joseph, the 7 year famine that Pharaoh dreamed of and Joseph interpreted.

And you might be thinking right now: “Okay Bethy, what in the world does this have to do with you and your surrender of relationship??!”

And may I reply by saying hold on, I am getting there!

You see God sent a famine, it states specifically “He called for a famine.” And as I stated before God never does anything without a reason, now sometimes He gives us the reasons, at other times they remain hidden in darkness, never to be revealed until heaven, and so this is cause for us to trust Him.

So we know that God called for this famine, and that He had a perfect reason for it. And during this famine He protected Jacob and his family by sending Joseph to Egypt. And God did not just send Joe there, no He equipped Him to go. We know from the account that Joe could interpret dreams and that he had many gifts that eventually were used later by God to protect His people and the people of Egypt.

You see not only does God have a plan, but He also equips us for that specific plan! WOW! We don’t even have to do anything other than surrender and obey, and even those two things are done by the very grace of God!

WOW! WOW! Sometimes I think, “yea I know how good God is! I know what He does, and has done.” And how quickly He brings me off that high place, and humbles me by surprising me and revealing Himself a bit more and stands back and chuckles at my bewilderment saying “Aw, Bethy…Bethy…Bethy! My prodigal daughter, how I love you! See how you thought you knew everything there is to know? And look my daughter, my prodigal, look how little you knew! And here I have reavealed a bit more, but remember that you are just barely scratching the surface!”

“But Father, when, when will I know you fully?”

“Only in heaven dear one! Until then stick to your task of getting to know me better, remember it is not about what I offer you, but who I AM, seek me out! Keep searching my face, I will reward your diligence, I will shine the light of my countenance on you!”

Now obviously I am not claiming some “charismatic” happening or anything, I have never heard God actually say those words, but it just seems that this is what He is saying to me each time He baffles me!

Anyways sorry for that rabbit trail…now where was I??? OH yeah,

So God equipped Joe for the job and sent Him down there as we read in Psalm 107:17a: “He sent a man before them—

         Joseph.”

And who is that “them” there? Well if we read back through Ps. 107: 11-15 we find that it is Israel (I will allow you to read that for yourselves.)

Now you see God sent Joseph to Egypt, and it says that He became a slave.

 “ He sent a man before them—

         Joseph—who was sold as a slave.”

Now I don’t know personally what it is like to be a slave, but I know that it could not have been an easy thing!

How hard that would have been on Joseph. And it was not just this trial but he had many trials! And really just trial after trial: being thrown into pit/hated by brothers/sold into slavery/conflict with Potifar’s wife/put in prison.)

And we might be tempted to think “why, why would God do all this, allow this all to happen to Joseph, such a devout servant of God’s? Why would God allow this “famine” into Joseph’s life?”

And our first anwer would probably be the one I gave for surrendering my relationship with Thomas to God :Because it would be for the ultimate good of Joseph (me).

But I have been convicted that perhaps this is just the “milk” of what can be learned. That this is just a good reason for surrender, for trials, but not the BEST reason that God has in mind!

And you might be thinking “WHAT?! But we have always been told, ‘trials are for YOUR greater good.” And that is true but not the best reason for sending trials.

Let me recall to your attention Phil. 2:3-4

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

You see life (not even my own life) is not about me! I have died to myself: so now I don’t live for me or even surrender for me, but for Christ who lives within me!

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Gal. 2:20

Thus my trials, my surrenders, my famines are not just about me! There really is a higher reason for the struggles I face (Joseph faced), the surrenders that I make, than just my greater good, just my betterment. Oh sure there is greater good for me in it, but perhaps this is just a benefit! This is just the milk, but there is meat to be found my friends!

A higher plain to be reached, a higher reason to go through struggles and trials, a higher reason to surrender than just because it is for OUR good as individuals.

You see Joseph’s troubles were good for him yes, he learned from them, but they were not just good for him, but for his brother’s, they learned a great lesson in that, and also his father and family in the area of food, and also the good of Egypt and really ultimately the good of ALL mankind (you and I today).

Because see if God had not provided a leader in Joseph, all of Jacob and his sons would have died.  And perhaps that does not seem significant, but who came through their line? Jesus Christ did! If they had died their line would have died with!

So this famine ( or any famine you have been through or will go through) that you are going through is never just about you and your good, but rather about God and His plan and His glory! It is always so much bigger than we think! So you see I connect it now to my surrender. I surrender my relationship with Thomas to God now, not just because I know that it will work out for my good, but more importantly for the good of others and most importantly for God and HIS purpose and glory!

\For the many in the world, for God I endure each “famine” not just for me! So now I must press on in the grace and strength of God, waiting to see how He will lead in this relationship. Waiting to see what His purpose and glory is all about!

And thus I surrender now, not just because He will work it out for my greater good (Joseph’s greater good), or for Thomas’ greater good (Joseph’s family’s greater good), but for the ultimate good of others (EGYPT in Joseph’s case) and the awesome Glory of God and His purpose ( in Joseph’s case all of the World because of Jesus being able to come through the line of Judah who survived that famine!)

I pray that this has been an encouragement, and if you are going through a trial, take great comfort not only in that it is for your greater good, or the greater good of your family, but even higher reasons than that :for OTHERS AND GOD!

In everything (even trials) do ALL to the glory of God and everything is always to be done in JOY (Jesus Others You)!

 Striving to keep it in perspective!