Feelings and truth do not always coincide. A lot of the time I feel a certain way about God....but in my heart I know it isn't true. Like sometimes I feel what I do or say commends me to Him. And other times what I do or say, I feel condemns me before Him. Or the opposite. Sometimes I feel what I choose not to say or do commends me to Him...or
What I choose not to do or say condemns me before Him.
And when I follow those feelings I run around like crazy doing this that and the other thing to stay commended and not condemned....or I sit and wallow because I have failed in one way or another and I feel condemned. And usually my response is to ask forgiveness of God over and over and OVER!
So in all reality, in life, I'm either a little stuck up brown noser....or I'm the class bully who can't seem to get his act together. That's when I'm following my feelings.
But the TRUTH is that Christ died and rose again. He bore all my condemnation, and He also is my commendation to the Father God. Because of Christ I no longer am condmned for the things I do, but also nothing I do can further commend me to God.
So let's say I die a martyr....I'm still no more commended before God than the person who lived life for himself and accepted Christ on his deathbed. The ground is level at the cross and it stays that way! This doesn't change!
I can remember back to last spring and summer when our yard was covered in Josh's nightmare: DANDILIONS! Lol! He is one of "those people" you know the ones, who notices when even one blade of grass is taller than the rest! Lol!
Anyways I remember sittin outside and watching Miriam pick them. She never brought me one but I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't wait till the day she would!
I hate flowers. Everyone who knows me well knows this. I don't like getting flowers from my hubby. I think it is a waste of time and money. But I long for a little weed from a certain little gal. Why?
It isn't the weed or even the act of her giving it to me. It is just her. It is because it is from her.
I think it is the same with God. So that it isn't what I do for Him but that I do FOR Him.
I'm already commended to Him because of His Son. So nothing I do can bring me to any better of a standing with Him. And nothing I do can bring me to any worse of a standing with Him.
However what I do or don't do can affect how close I am to Him and with Him. But it is never He that moves. It is only I. I like to think of it this way. When My hubby walks his dog Shep, the dog is attached to him by a leash.
The leash represents Christ. There's no possible way the tie can be broken between Shep and Josh. They are attached. But Shep can wander off and go after distractions. Josh never moves away...Shep moves away but Josh stays where he is at.
Waiting for Shep. Sometimes if things get really crazy and Shep is heading for a road Josh will intervene and go after Shep.
God works the same way. We know this because of the 2 illustrations of this found in His Word. In Luke 15 it talks about a sheep in trouble. It ran away and injured itself. The Shepherd went after it. However it also talks of a son who runs away and gets into trouble and the Father waits at home.
God both waits at times for us and sometimes He comes after us.
I surrender and fell surrendered and fell and surrendered and fell SO many times when it comes to my eating disorder. I would fall into it and then God would convict me and I would come back to Him and be good for a while and then back to it and the whole cycle started over again.
That was while He was waiting for
Me. But then He came after me. And that He did through a miscarriage. He moved because He saw me running away again.
There are times when I feel like my miscarriage is all of God and I think of Him as a bully (there I said it....gasp I can't believe I just wrote that...but it's true)
And I wonder how He could do that to me???!!! Especially since apparently that kind of miscarriage happens a lot. A woman gets pregnant and then before the little one can even start growing the body aborts it. But my struggle was that HE LET ME KNOW IT!
He knew I was excited about it and He knew that I had prayed and prayed and prayed for another child. So of course I took test after to test to see if I was pregnant. And finally one came out positive. I knew I was pregnant.
And before I could really let it sink in that we would be parents again...that life was snuffed out.
And at times then...and still now I'm tempted to blame God. How could He??!! How could He let it happen in the first place and how could He let me know about it? But that's only how I felt...how I still feel sometimes.
But the truth is God doesn't with hold from us ANYTHING that is for our good. He didn't even with hold His own Son from me.
He allowed that miscarriage because that is what I needed to wake me up to the fact that I needed saving from my eating big disorder. That I was beginning to head down a path once again. The path of an eating disorder.
I am no more smiled on then I was when I was drenched in my eating disorder. Sometimes I feel that because I've come so far away from my eating disorder that God now smiles
On me more than He ever has...but the truth is He smiled on my just as much when I was struggling. He doesn't change in His love for or delight in us because of what we do or don't do.
He loved me just as much as an 89 pound self absorbed girl as He does now that I'm more free from it. And that truth in and of itself is freeing yet still more! Knowing that He doesn't change in His commendation or condemnation
Is such a freeing and awesome truth! Yes choices I make will either bring ME (not Him...there is a HUGE difference there) closer to Him or further from Him. But He doesn't look down with a frown and He isn't out to get me when I sin...but He also isn't up there somehow
Happier when I do right. He can't be brown nosed, and He can't be offended so much that He moves away. You see I'm tempted to see Him like me. Like somehow God is altogether like me. He judges people and moves closer or further away from people based on what they do or say or don't do or don't say. But that is feeling not truth. God is altogether not like us!
"These things you have done, and I kept silent; You thought that I was altogether like you; ps.50:21aIt is we who move not Him. He stays the same!
Friday, March 4, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
When God Calls for a Famine
The other night, I was in turmoil within. I have recently surrendered to God, that I will stay single if He would have me, or marry if He would have me to. And shortly after I surrendered, God brought Thomas into my life!
You see for a whole year or two of my life I had been telling God that I would never marry, and this past summer He got a hold of my heart, through a novel I was reading and through friends (though unbenounced to them: Jessie La Fluer, Bethany Moore, and Julie Farrell J ). They influenced me not by their words ness. But by their example! I saw how surrendered they were to God, and envied that, and realized by their light that I was missing something.
But that is another story entirely, which I already wrote a note about entitled (unsurrendered heart). I just posted that one on my blog as well, so you can read if you would like the background to this post J.
Anyways, so I had finally surrendered to God in the area of marriage and singleness, and He blessed me with a relationship to Thomas.
And well the other night I was journaling to God, and just telling Him about some recent developments in my relationship to Thomas (no new news to God though!). And just pouring my heart out to Him.
All along Thomas and I have been taking different steps in our relationship. And we are now at a place where we are unsure as to where to go next, or even if God would have us continue on.
OH how I long to be able to continue on with Thomas, but you see I wanted it that night SO bad that I was not willing to give it up. God brought that to my attention, and I surrendered the relationship over to Him.
And the reason I did, the reason I surrendered, was because I knew that ultimately, even though continuing with Thomas is currently what my heart desires, that may not be what God desires of me. You see, God’s thoughts are not always our thoughts. Sometimes He leads and opens doors left and right, but at other times He still leads but shuts doors, that were once opened. And I knew that if it was not His will that we continue than it would ultimately be for my greater good that we not continue (Rom. 8:28).
You see we serve an AMAZING God, who always knows exactly what He is doing. He is not like some child on an anthill with a magnifying glass, killing ants at random, with no rhyme or reason. No He is amazing because EVERYTHING He does and allows to happen has a purpose! I mean sure we as humans have a purpose for doing everything we do, but you see not always do we have the best purpose for doing what we do! But not God! He can be trusted because He not only has a purpose but His purpose is best, there can be nothing better!
And while this is a good reason to surrender to God, because He will do all for my greater good, I was convicted this morning that it is not the BEST reason to surrender to Him!
I read in Psalm 105: 16-17
“Moreover He called for a famine in the land;
He destroyed all the provision of bread.
He sent a man before them—
Joseph—who was sold as a slave.”
This is obviously talking of the 7 year famine in the land of Egypt and Canaan during the time of Jacob and Joseph, the 7 year famine that Pharaoh dreamed of and Joseph interpreted.
And you might be thinking right now: “Okay Bethy, what in the world does this have to do with you and your surrender of relationship??!”
And may I reply by saying hold on, I am getting there!
You see God sent a famine, it states specifically “He called for a famine.” And as I stated before God never does anything without a reason, now sometimes He gives us the reasons, at other times they remain hidden in darkness, never to be revealed until heaven, and so this is cause for us to trust Him.
So we know that God called for this famine, and that He had a perfect reason for it. And during this famine He protected Jacob and his family by sending Joseph to Egypt. And God did not just send Joe there, no He equipped Him to go. We know from the account that Joe could interpret dreams and that he had many gifts that eventually were used later by God to protect His people and the people of Egypt.
You see not only does God have a plan, but He also equips us for that specific plan! WOW! We don’t even have to do anything other than surrender and obey, and even those two things are done by the very grace of God!
WOW! WOW! Sometimes I think, “yea I know how good God is! I know what He does, and has done.” And how quickly He brings me off that high place, and humbles me by surprising me and revealing Himself a bit more and stands back and chuckles at my bewilderment saying “Aw, Bethy…Bethy…Bethy! My prodigal daughter, how I love you! See how you thought you knew everything there is to know? And look my daughter, my prodigal, look how little you knew! And here I have reavealed a bit more, but remember that you are just barely scratching the surface!”
“But Father, when, when will I know you fully?”
“Only in heaven dear one! Until then stick to your task of getting to know me better, remember it is not about what I offer you, but who I AM, seek me out! Keep searching my face, I will reward your diligence, I will shine the light of my countenance on you!”
Now obviously I am not claiming some “charismatic” happening or anything, I have never heard God actually say those words, but it just seems that this is what He is saying to me each time He baffles me!
Anyways sorry for that rabbit trail…now where was I??? OH yeah,
So God equipped Joe for the job and sent Him down there as we read in Psalm 107:17a: “He sent a man before them—
Joseph.”
And who is that “them” there? Well if we read back through Ps. 107: 11-15 we find that it is Israel (I will allow you to read that for yourselves.)
Now you see God sent Joseph to Egypt, and it says that He became a slave.
“ He sent a man before them—
Joseph—who was sold as a slave.”
Now I don’t know personally what it is like to be a slave, but I know that it could not have been an easy thing!
How hard that would have been on Joseph. And it was not just this trial but he had many trials! And really just trial after trial: being thrown into pit/hated by brothers/sold into slavery/conflict with Potifar’s wife/put in prison.)
And we might be tempted to think “why, why would God do all this, allow this all to happen to Joseph, such a devout servant of God’s? Why would God allow this “famine” into Joseph’s life?”
And our first anwer would probably be the one I gave for surrendering my relationship with Thomas to God :Because it would be for the ultimate good of Joseph (me).
But I have been convicted that perhaps this is just the “milk” of what can be learned. That this is just a good reason for surrender, for trials, but not the BEST reason that God has in mind!
And you might be thinking “WHAT?! But we have always been told, ‘trials are for YOUR greater good.” And that is true but not the best reason for sending trials.
Let me recall to your attention Phil. 2:3-4
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”
You see life (not even my own life) is not about me! I have died to myself: so now I don’t live for me or even surrender for me, but for Christ who lives within me!
“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Gal. 2:20
Thus my trials, my surrenders, my famines are not just about me! There really is a higher reason for the struggles I face (Joseph faced), the surrenders that I make, than just my greater good, just my betterment. Oh sure there is greater good for me in it, but perhaps this is just a benefit! This is just the milk, but there is meat to be found my friends!
A higher plain to be reached, a higher reason to go through struggles and trials, a higher reason to surrender than just because it is for OUR good as individuals.
You see Joseph’s troubles were good for him yes, he learned from them, but they were not just good for him, but for his brother’s, they learned a great lesson in that, and also his father and family in the area of food, and also the good of Egypt and really ultimately the good of ALL mankind (you and I today).
Because see if God had not provided a leader in Joseph, all of Jacob and his sons would have died. And perhaps that does not seem significant, but who came through their line? Jesus Christ did! If they had died their line would have died with!
So this famine ( or any famine you have been through or will go through) that you are going through is never just about you and your good, but rather about God and His plan and His glory! It is always so much bigger than we think! So you see I connect it now to my surrender. I surrender my relationship with Thomas to God now, not just because I know that it will work out for my good, but more importantly for the good of others and most importantly for God and HIS purpose and glory!
\For the many in the world, for God I endure each “famine” not just for me! So now I must press on in the grace and strength of God, waiting to see how He will lead in this relationship. Waiting to see what His purpose and glory is all about!
And thus I surrender now, not just because He will work it out for my greater good (Joseph’s greater good), or for Thomas’ greater good (Joseph’s family’s greater good), but for the ultimate good of others (EGYPT in Joseph’s case) and the awesome Glory of God and His purpose ( in Joseph’s case all of the World because of Jesus being able to come through the line of Judah who survived that famine!)
I pray that this has been an encouragement, and if you are going through a trial, take great comfort not only in that it is for your greater good, or the greater good of your family, but even higher reasons than that :for OTHERS AND GOD!
In everything (even trials) do ALL to the glory of God and everything is always to be done in JOY (Jesus Others You)!
Striving to keep it in perspective!
How I Fell
Most people upon hearing the word Bulimia usually think of a super skinny girl who makes herself puke to lose more weight that she does not even need to lose. My bulimia however was not like that . Although I really did not even need to lose the weight just like the girl described above , I did not make myself puke instead I went about it in a different way but it is still described as bulimia.
I knew that I wanted to lose weight but I knew that I could never starve myself nor could I ever make myself puke because I cannot even stand the thought of puking but what I did end up doing was just as ensnaring and sinful as both anorexia and the normal bulimia
It started out innocent, I would only work out for a half an hour on the bicycle downstairs every other day. But then I realized that I was not losing any weight that way ( or at least not fast enough) so I decided to begin working out for an hour each day plus on top of that I started eating a lot less than normal cutting out snacks and desserts and second helpings and cutting my first helping in half. I started this in October or November of 2006 I cannot recall exactly , shortly after the pounds began dropping. I started out weighing at a 105 pounds and in just a couple of weeks I dropped to about 94 pounds.
A couple more weeks passed and I found myself at 92. A few weeks thereafter I weighed in at about 89 pounds. Little did I know that what I was doing was a sin! The world tells us that it is just a disorder but it defiantly is not.
In fact bulimia and anorexia are both just a byproduct of a sin that is well known to every one. That sin is Pride, all who have fallen into those sins are just thinking and are focused on what people think of them.
They have turned from seeking Gods acceptance and favor to seeking it from depraved humans. They no longer care as to whether God is being glorified in their bodies but rather if they are getting glory out of their bodies.
Our bodies are the temples of God! How could I have let such a little thing as pride get into my head ( the thoughts of I need to lose weight so then I can gain some compliments) and then let it control my actions ( bulimia)?
I strayed so far from my Father ( God) during those three to four months of my bulimia.
And if it were not for God working through my sister and my mother and my boyfriend I would have kept losing weight and wasted away to nothing and would probably not even be here today.
I can remember back in January of this year I told my sister about how much I weighed. I chose to tell her because I had not gotten any compliments whatsoever on how I looked and so I thought maybe she would throw me one.
Boy was I wrong. She upon hearing that I only weighed 89 got worried and spilled the beans to my mother a few nights later while I was babysitting.
That night after I had put the children I was watching to bed, my cell phone rang. It was my mother, I can remember her inquiring as to if it was true that I only weighed 89 pounds and of course my answer was full of pride when I said yes, thinking that she would compliment me because she too had lost a lot of weight and she looked really good surely she will compliment me knowing how good compliments were cause she had gotten many for her weight loss. Those were my thoughts. Boy was I wrong!
Instead of complimenting me she went on to talk about how dangerous it was and that I could die if I did not quit. I was so built up in my pride I argued with her and I can remember thinking “ She is just jealous both her and Krista.” Wow how far I had drifted ! I was trapped and entangled in a very dangerous sin and I did not even know! I was to blinded by the sin of my pride!
My parents grounded me that night from the exercise bicycle .
Of all things to ground a seventeen year old girl from usually it is not exercising that is most unheard of but that saved my life.
Although my parents grounded me from that I still ate as little as possible without starving myself and I still found other ways to over exercise .
During this time I started gaining a few pounds back even though I was desperately was trying not to. Ir was devastaing for me but it was for the better.
Now I have shared with you how God worked through my sister and how he used my mother but here is how he used my boyfriend.
We started emailing in February even then I was still striving to lose weight but it was not really working I had gained a few pounds then and was up to 92 or so but my mom was still nagging at me to get back up to at least 100 pounds.
I felt like this was an attack , I had gained a few more pounds could she and my sister and father not just be happy with that?
It took my boyfriend to look at a picture and realize that I had lost a lot of weight and it took his encouragement to gain the weight back for me to get to that set goal of 100 pounds . Without him I am afraid that I would have just stayed at only 92 and suffered some severe consequences.
Although I had already suffered some consequences, some of them serious others not so much. I lost a lot of muscle that I had built up the year before falling into bulimia ( which is what happens when you become bullimic or anorexic your muscles deplete even one of your most vital muscles your heart. That is why it is not uncommon for people to die of cardiac arrest when caught in theses sins.) and I felt a lot weaker because of that and also my pants did not fit anymore. But perhaps the worst consequence was the fact that I also drifted and backslid in my Christian walk. Although I still did my devotions everyday and prayed and went to church that sin separated me from my Father in heaven. I felt a huge gap in between myself and God.
Shortly after getting back up to one hundred pounds I went on the internet and looked up some things about bulimia and anorexia. And that is when I learned the other not so famous side of bulimia.
The way of over exercising and that was when I realized what I had been through was not something innocent but rather a sin. I had always heard that anorexia and bulimia were a sin and not disorder but I did not know the other side of bulimia and so I thought that what I was doing could not be a sin but it indeed was and is. And that sin still affects me today, the way I think , I still have a hard time eating in front of people which is a by product of bulimia and I also always calculate as to how many calories are in the things that I eat.
I still have to be rid the rest of the way of this sin.
Also shortly after getting back my weight I went onto a health sight and I came face to face with how serious my situation had been.
I was asked to enter in my height which is ‘5’3” ( actually really i am 5/5 but i did not know that so entered 5/3) and when it came up with the weight should weigh and it was in between like 108 and 115 and then it came up with the weight of severe anorexia for someone the height of 5/3 and that was 94 pounds. I had weighed only 89 pounds at one point and severe anorexia was considered 94 pounds for someone my height! I was defiantly playing with death and fire.
A teenage girl had died from only weighing 87 pounds she collapsed one day and died ( probably cardiac arrest which I mentioned before). Wow again because I only weighed two pounds less then that! And even though i weighed that had my mom not found out i was planning to continue in my pursuit of weight loss and would have wasted away to nothing. Fortunately God got my attention.
I was so blessed cause most girls who fall into that same sin and similar sins usually end up being hospitalized or worse they become infertile or even worse then that they waste away and die.
I am so blessed that I had a heavenly father looking out for me and who came to my aid and not only did that but He showed mercy and I now stand forgiven for that sin! Boy do I know the significance of that parable about the prodigal son. God’s mercies truly are new every morning. He has so much patience and love and grace and mercy my words cannot even come close to praising or expressing to you how GREAT my God is! He truly guides my steps and he truly has restored and my body and my mind!
What I want people to learn upon reading this is not just about the other side of bulimia nor about what happened to me but I want you to learn the signs of bulimia and how to look and what to watch out for in others around you who might be secretly involved in it and when you do find someone involved in it reach, out to them in love ( Romans 13:8) and help them out of it.
I think many people knew that I was stuck in it but they stayed silent because they were afraid to tell me for whatever the reason. But I am glad that God worked through the people closest to me and I am glad that because of him I am still here.
You will never know how much God can and will use you in another’s life whether through encouragement , through your prayers or even actually through you he can help people out of sin. And it is not that he needs us but that he wants us!
Just be willing to serve our father in every way possible, in every way that he wants to use you. In the big areas such as being a missionary or in the small by helping someone else.
God can and does use us he just needs us to be willing and to do it his way not ours!
That is what I hope you have learned from this. Not my parents nor my sister nor my boyfriend helped me out of that but rather an all powerful God working through them so the praise does not go to them nor me but to God and God alone, but I am glad that all four of them allowed God to work through them.
Pride is something that I still struggle with, bulimia the by product of my pride is pretty much gone but the pride itself is still there , but with Gods help on a daily basis through prayer and through his word and even through the people around me I know that I can and will overcome my biggest struggle PRIDE.
God worked through my boyfriend to help me realize that I even had a problem with pride. I thought that I was a fairly good person , I am saved and am living for God but pride gets in the way of me being all I can be for God.
Everyday I am convicted of prideful thoughts attitudes and even sinful actions and emotions that I commit on a daily basis all with pride at the drivers seat of my car.
I know it is wrong and I am desperately trying to turn around and confess and forsake this terrible sin.
Had Jesse not let God use him, had he just kept silent about my pride , and had he just kept it to himself I would never even had known that there was a problem there. So my thanks this thanksgiving goes to God for everything that he has blessed me with which are many , but most importantly for grabbing a hold of my life and for working through people to bring me back to him and for not forsaking me and for his unfailing LOVE , PAITIENCE, MERCY and FORGIVENESS!
I let my body become an idol! Generally that is what prideful people
Do they let there bodies, things and many other things become their idols.
Sadly I still struggle daily with letting my body become my idol.
But God is faithful and merciful and he has let me continue on for a reason!
.
I wrote this .... around thanksgiving of 2007. It is just a memoir of what I actually went through in the year 2006.
Some of you may be shocked but that is okay. I just hope that you find it in your hearts to forgive me?
Yes i still struggle everyday with prideful thoughts like i mentioned above so please be in prayer about this with me!
Thanks everyone! My secret is out.
I thought i could hide it from everyone ( who was I kidding).
But my God is an all knowing God and he knew and now thankfully many others know and are helping me!
Galatians 6:1-2 " Brethren if any man is over taken in any trespass you
who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness considering lest you also be tempted, Bear one another's burdens and SO FULFILL
THE LAW OF CHRIST."
JAMES 5:16 " Confess your trespasses to one another and
pray for one another that you be healed . The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."
JAMES 5:19-20 " Brethren if anyone among you wanders from
the truth and someone turns him back let him
know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will
save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins."
Hebrews 3:13 " But exhort one another DAILY while it is still called
TODAY lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 " Two are better than one because
they have a good reward for their labor, For if they fall
one will lift up his companion But woe to him who is alone when he falls
for he has no one to help him up."
Thank God I WAS NOT ALONE!!
I thank Him also that i am not alone now either!
I knew that I wanted to lose weight but I knew that I could never starve myself nor could I ever make myself puke because I cannot even stand the thought of puking but what I did end up doing was just as ensnaring and sinful as both anorexia and the normal bulimia
It started out innocent, I would only work out for a half an hour on the bicycle downstairs every other day. But then I realized that I was not losing any weight that way ( or at least not fast enough) so I decided to begin working out for an hour each day plus on top of that I started eating a lot less than normal cutting out snacks and desserts and second helpings and cutting my first helping in half. I started this in October or November of 2006 I cannot recall exactly , shortly after the pounds began dropping. I started out weighing at a 105 pounds and in just a couple of weeks I dropped to about 94 pounds.
A couple more weeks passed and I found myself at 92. A few weeks thereafter I weighed in at about 89 pounds. Little did I know that what I was doing was a sin! The world tells us that it is just a disorder but it defiantly is not.
In fact bulimia and anorexia are both just a byproduct of a sin that is well known to every one. That sin is Pride, all who have fallen into those sins are just thinking and are focused on what people think of them.
They have turned from seeking Gods acceptance and favor to seeking it from depraved humans. They no longer care as to whether God is being glorified in their bodies but rather if they are getting glory out of their bodies.
Our bodies are the temples of God! How could I have let such a little thing as pride get into my head ( the thoughts of I need to lose weight so then I can gain some compliments) and then let it control my actions ( bulimia)?
I strayed so far from my Father ( God) during those three to four months of my bulimia.
And if it were not for God working through my sister and my mother and my boyfriend I would have kept losing weight and wasted away to nothing and would probably not even be here today.
I can remember back in January of this year I told my sister about how much I weighed. I chose to tell her because I had not gotten any compliments whatsoever on how I looked and so I thought maybe she would throw me one.
Boy was I wrong. She upon hearing that I only weighed 89 got worried and spilled the beans to my mother a few nights later while I was babysitting.
That night after I had put the children I was watching to bed, my cell phone rang. It was my mother, I can remember her inquiring as to if it was true that I only weighed 89 pounds and of course my answer was full of pride when I said yes, thinking that she would compliment me because she too had lost a lot of weight and she looked really good surely she will compliment me knowing how good compliments were cause she had gotten many for her weight loss. Those were my thoughts. Boy was I wrong!
Instead of complimenting me she went on to talk about how dangerous it was and that I could die if I did not quit. I was so built up in my pride I argued with her and I can remember thinking “ She is just jealous both her and Krista.” Wow how far I had drifted ! I was trapped and entangled in a very dangerous sin and I did not even know! I was to blinded by the sin of my pride!
My parents grounded me that night from the exercise bicycle .
Of all things to ground a seventeen year old girl from usually it is not exercising that is most unheard of but that saved my life.
Although my parents grounded me from that I still ate as little as possible without starving myself and I still found other ways to over exercise .
During this time I started gaining a few pounds back even though I was desperately was trying not to. Ir was devastaing for me but it was for the better.
Now I have shared with you how God worked through my sister and how he used my mother but here is how he used my boyfriend.
We started emailing in February even then I was still striving to lose weight but it was not really working I had gained a few pounds then and was up to 92 or so but my mom was still nagging at me to get back up to at least 100 pounds.
I felt like this was an attack , I had gained a few more pounds could she and my sister and father not just be happy with that?
It took my boyfriend to look at a picture and realize that I had lost a lot of weight and it took his encouragement to gain the weight back for me to get to that set goal of 100 pounds . Without him I am afraid that I would have just stayed at only 92 and suffered some severe consequences.
Although I had already suffered some consequences, some of them serious others not so much. I lost a lot of muscle that I had built up the year before falling into bulimia ( which is what happens when you become bullimic or anorexic your muscles deplete even one of your most vital muscles your heart. That is why it is not uncommon for people to die of cardiac arrest when caught in theses sins.) and I felt a lot weaker because of that and also my pants did not fit anymore. But perhaps the worst consequence was the fact that I also drifted and backslid in my Christian walk. Although I still did my devotions everyday and prayed and went to church that sin separated me from my Father in heaven. I felt a huge gap in between myself and God.
Shortly after getting back up to one hundred pounds I went on the internet and looked up some things about bulimia and anorexia. And that is when I learned the other not so famous side of bulimia.
The way of over exercising and that was when I realized what I had been through was not something innocent but rather a sin. I had always heard that anorexia and bulimia were a sin and not disorder but I did not know the other side of bulimia and so I thought that what I was doing could not be a sin but it indeed was and is. And that sin still affects me today, the way I think , I still have a hard time eating in front of people which is a by product of bulimia and I also always calculate as to how many calories are in the things that I eat.
I still have to be rid the rest of the way of this sin.
Also shortly after getting back my weight I went onto a health sight and I came face to face with how serious my situation had been.
I was asked to enter in my height which is ‘5’3” ( actually really i am 5/5 but i did not know that so entered 5/3) and when it came up with the weight should weigh and it was in between like 108 and 115 and then it came up with the weight of severe anorexia for someone the height of 5/3 and that was 94 pounds. I had weighed only 89 pounds at one point and severe anorexia was considered 94 pounds for someone my height! I was defiantly playing with death and fire.
A teenage girl had died from only weighing 87 pounds she collapsed one day and died ( probably cardiac arrest which I mentioned before). Wow again because I only weighed two pounds less then that! And even though i weighed that had my mom not found out i was planning to continue in my pursuit of weight loss and would have wasted away to nothing. Fortunately God got my attention.
I was so blessed cause most girls who fall into that same sin and similar sins usually end up being hospitalized or worse they become infertile or even worse then that they waste away and die.
I am so blessed that I had a heavenly father looking out for me and who came to my aid and not only did that but He showed mercy and I now stand forgiven for that sin! Boy do I know the significance of that parable about the prodigal son. God’s mercies truly are new every morning. He has so much patience and love and grace and mercy my words cannot even come close to praising or expressing to you how GREAT my God is! He truly guides my steps and he truly has restored and my body and my mind!
What I want people to learn upon reading this is not just about the other side of bulimia nor about what happened to me but I want you to learn the signs of bulimia and how to look and what to watch out for in others around you who might be secretly involved in it and when you do find someone involved in it reach, out to them in love ( Romans 13:8) and help them out of it.
I think many people knew that I was stuck in it but they stayed silent because they were afraid to tell me for whatever the reason. But I am glad that God worked through the people closest to me and I am glad that because of him I am still here.
You will never know how much God can and will use you in another’s life whether through encouragement , through your prayers or even actually through you he can help people out of sin. And it is not that he needs us but that he wants us!
Just be willing to serve our father in every way possible, in every way that he wants to use you. In the big areas such as being a missionary or in the small by helping someone else.
God can and does use us he just needs us to be willing and to do it his way not ours!
That is what I hope you have learned from this. Not my parents nor my sister nor my boyfriend helped me out of that but rather an all powerful God working through them so the praise does not go to them nor me but to God and God alone, but I am glad that all four of them allowed God to work through them.
Pride is something that I still struggle with, bulimia the by product of my pride is pretty much gone but the pride itself is still there , but with Gods help on a daily basis through prayer and through his word and even through the people around me I know that I can and will overcome my biggest struggle PRIDE.
God worked through my boyfriend to help me realize that I even had a problem with pride. I thought that I was a fairly good person , I am saved and am living for God but pride gets in the way of me being all I can be for God.
Everyday I am convicted of prideful thoughts attitudes and even sinful actions and emotions that I commit on a daily basis all with pride at the drivers seat of my car.
I know it is wrong and I am desperately trying to turn around and confess and forsake this terrible sin.
Had Jesse not let God use him, had he just kept silent about my pride , and had he just kept it to himself I would never even had known that there was a problem there. So my thanks this thanksgiving goes to God for everything that he has blessed me with which are many , but most importantly for grabbing a hold of my life and for working through people to bring me back to him and for not forsaking me and for his unfailing LOVE , PAITIENCE, MERCY and FORGIVENESS!
I let my body become an idol! Generally that is what prideful people
Do they let there bodies, things and many other things become their idols.
Sadly I still struggle daily with letting my body become my idol.
But God is faithful and merciful and he has let me continue on for a reason!
.
I wrote this .... around thanksgiving of 2007. It is just a memoir of what I actually went through in the year 2006.
Some of you may be shocked but that is okay. I just hope that you find it in your hearts to forgive me?
Yes i still struggle everyday with prideful thoughts like i mentioned above so please be in prayer about this with me!
Thanks everyone! My secret is out.
I thought i could hide it from everyone ( who was I kidding).
But my God is an all knowing God and he knew and now thankfully many others know and are helping me!
Galatians 6:1-2 " Brethren if any man is over taken in any trespass you
who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness considering lest you also be tempted, Bear one another's burdens and SO FULFILL
THE LAW OF CHRIST."
JAMES 5:16 " Confess your trespasses to one another and
pray for one another that you be healed . The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."
JAMES 5:19-20 " Brethren if anyone among you wanders from
the truth and someone turns him back let him
know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will
save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins."
Hebrews 3:13 " But exhort one another DAILY while it is still called
TODAY lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 " Two are better than one because
they have a good reward for their labor, For if they fall
one will lift up his companion But woe to him who is alone when he falls
for he has no one to help him up."
Thank God I WAS NOT ALONE!!
I thank Him also that i am not alone now either!
Purposing in your heart
Daniel 1:8 But Daniel PURPOSED in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the kings delicacies, nor with the wine which he drank; therefore he requested of the chief of the eunuchs that he might not defile himself."
Ever find yourself looking at others and the sins they have committed and thinking " wow I would never ever do that." ?
And then lo and behold you fall into something similar not too far down the road in your own life?
This has happened to me countless times.
I can remember as a young person i would watch lifetime ( not recommended) and i would see movies of girls who were anorexic or bulimic and would then think to myself " that is just gross i would never do something like that!"
When only a few short years later i found myself in that very same sin.
I have seen this scenario described and lived out time and again. People will look at a sin and say " that will and could never happen to me." And a lot of times they fall into the very same.
Why and how does this happen though? Cause to the outsider it appears when we say " That would never happen to me" that we are in an essence saying and identifying with Daniel in purposing in our hearts not to do this or that sin.
When in reality we actually are NOT purposing in our hearts!
What we are doing may LOOK like that or may SOUND like it but it is not.
Most people when they say " I would never do that" have an attitude of pride backing up their words.
They are not saying that they would never ALLOW themselves to do it they are saying that they are ABOVE doing it. There is a huge difference.
When i watched those movies with skinny girls flashing across the screen doing horrible things to their bodies to lose weight that they did not need to lose , my thought was " I am above that... I am not capable of that."
When in reality i need to humbly realize that yes i am CAPABLE of that ( and obviously was.)
I need to realize that I am NOT above ANY sin!
I have a heart that is so deceitful no HUMAN can FULLY know it and since we know that from the heart is where our actions stem then that would mean that truly i am capable of anything.
So what now? Once we have realized that we are not above sin what should we do?
We should purpose in our hearts to NOT fall into sin.
Realize that we are capable but also at the same time that through Gods strength we can over come Phil 4:13 and 1 Corinthians 10:13.
Funny how if everyone were to have this approach NO ONE would ever be looked down on because of their sin! People as a whole would be a lot more forgiving towards the repentant one . We would all realize that " hey we are all CAPABLE of the very same"!
Romans 2:3 says " And do you think o man that you who judge those practicing such things and doing the same that you will escape Gods judgment."
We are all capable of committing the same sins! I am no better than the rapist in jail! Or the wife who has committed adultery and so on and so on.
We are all EQUALLY guilty. We all stand on the same level Psalm 130: 3 " If you o LORD marked our sins who would stand?"!
The difference is if we are striving to live for God and His glory!
But still realizing that anytime you do not sin that it is ONLY the GRACE of God at work!
So next time I am tempted to look at someones sin and say " I would never do that" or think that i am somehow better than so and so i need to remember that i am only where i am by Gods grace and that i am NOT any better than anyone else.
So lets try to be like Daniel, who was just as capable as every other teen captive in his day yet humbly purposed in his heart not to follow the crowd.
I love the song dare to be a Daniel ( though a simple child's song what truth it holds!). It goes something like this:
Dare to be a Daniel
Dare to stand alone
Dare to have a purpose firm
Dare to make it known.
On the same token of humbly purposing in our hearts we also need to make that purpose known. We need to not compromise. We need to stand fast for the days are evil.
We need to put on the armor of God and actually fight Satan and stop helping him win!
We need to quit letting him come in and deceive us into thinking that somehow we are above certain sins and then a little while later have the well known proverb become a reality " Pride goes before destruction a haughty spirit before a fall." We need to stop letting the father of lies reign in our hearts and yet still somehow think that we are still on the good path. When i watched those films of anorexic and bulimic girls you can bet that I thought myself as righteous and good ( whoa) but i was just heeding Satan's lies and ended up letting pride control me and I fell and fell hard like the proverb said i would! The warnings were there, if only i had heeded!
If only i had realized that even before a sin action is taken a sin of the heart must take place first Proverbs 4:23 " Keep thy heart with all diligence for out of it spring the issues of life."!
If only i had realized that just by sitting on my couch and watching those films and thinking to myself that i was better than those girls, if only i had realized that it all started there!
I used to say that my eating disorder was a result of many different things now i know that it def. was not it started on the couch while watching films of those girls and thinking to myself " nope won't ever find innocent little Bethy doing something that stupid ( cause that is literally what i thought i thought that the sin they were doing was stupid now i know it was not but in all actuality it is prideful).
I could have squashed it years before it happened if i had been searching my heart and if i had truly been examining it! But unfortunately i did not and now all i can do is be thankful and help others that i may come across with in the future who may be struggling with the same thing ( thus I feel God leading me toward counseling).
Fortunately my Father spared me from losing my life ( which i deserved to lose). And He chose to keep me here on earth not because i am in errantly good but because HE is so gracious and merciful beyond measure! He chose to forgive me totally Psalm 130:4 " But there is forgiveness with You that You may be feared." Psalm 103:3-4 " Who forgiveth ALL thy sins who healeth all thy diseases who redeems thy life from destruction: who crowns thee with loving kindness and tender mercies."
Lets not forget where we have come from!
Anyone is capable the difference realizing that we are all guilty and are capable of ANY sin but that we have a purpose of heart and that we are striving to live it out!
Dare to be humble Daniels for our KING!
Ever find yourself looking at others and the sins they have committed and thinking " wow I would never ever do that." ?
And then lo and behold you fall into something similar not too far down the road in your own life?
This has happened to me countless times.
I can remember as a young person i would watch lifetime ( not recommended) and i would see movies of girls who were anorexic or bulimic and would then think to myself " that is just gross i would never do something like that!"
When only a few short years later i found myself in that very same sin.
I have seen this scenario described and lived out time and again. People will look at a sin and say " that will and could never happen to me." And a lot of times they fall into the very same.
Why and how does this happen though? Cause to the outsider it appears when we say " That would never happen to me" that we are in an essence saying and identifying with Daniel in purposing in our hearts not to do this or that sin.
When in reality we actually are NOT purposing in our hearts!
What we are doing may LOOK like that or may SOUND like it but it is not.
Most people when they say " I would never do that" have an attitude of pride backing up their words.
They are not saying that they would never ALLOW themselves to do it they are saying that they are ABOVE doing it. There is a huge difference.
When i watched those movies with skinny girls flashing across the screen doing horrible things to their bodies to lose weight that they did not need to lose , my thought was " I am above that... I am not capable of that."
When in reality i need to humbly realize that yes i am CAPABLE of that ( and obviously was.)
I need to realize that I am NOT above ANY sin!
I have a heart that is so deceitful no HUMAN can FULLY know it and since we know that from the heart is where our actions stem then that would mean that truly i am capable of anything.
So what now? Once we have realized that we are not above sin what should we do?
We should purpose in our hearts to NOT fall into sin.
Realize that we are capable but also at the same time that through Gods strength we can over come Phil 4:13 and 1 Corinthians 10:13.
Funny how if everyone were to have this approach NO ONE would ever be looked down on because of their sin! People as a whole would be a lot more forgiving towards the repentant one . We would all realize that " hey we are all CAPABLE of the very same"!
Romans 2:3 says " And do you think o man that you who judge those practicing such things and doing the same that you will escape Gods judgment."
We are all capable of committing the same sins! I am no better than the rapist in jail! Or the wife who has committed adultery and so on and so on.
We are all EQUALLY guilty. We all stand on the same level Psalm 130: 3 " If you o LORD marked our sins who would stand?"!
The difference is if we are striving to live for God and His glory!
But still realizing that anytime you do not sin that it is ONLY the GRACE of God at work!
So next time I am tempted to look at someones sin and say " I would never do that" or think that i am somehow better than so and so i need to remember that i am only where i am by Gods grace and that i am NOT any better than anyone else.
So lets try to be like Daniel, who was just as capable as every other teen captive in his day yet humbly purposed in his heart not to follow the crowd.
I love the song dare to be a Daniel ( though a simple child's song what truth it holds!). It goes something like this:
Dare to be a Daniel
Dare to stand alone
Dare to have a purpose firm
Dare to make it known.
On the same token of humbly purposing in our hearts we also need to make that purpose known. We need to not compromise. We need to stand fast for the days are evil.
We need to put on the armor of God and actually fight Satan and stop helping him win!
We need to quit letting him come in and deceive us into thinking that somehow we are above certain sins and then a little while later have the well known proverb become a reality " Pride goes before destruction a haughty spirit before a fall." We need to stop letting the father of lies reign in our hearts and yet still somehow think that we are still on the good path. When i watched those films of anorexic and bulimic girls you can bet that I thought myself as righteous and good ( whoa) but i was just heeding Satan's lies and ended up letting pride control me and I fell and fell hard like the proverb said i would! The warnings were there, if only i had heeded!
If only i had realized that even before a sin action is taken a sin of the heart must take place first Proverbs 4:23 " Keep thy heart with all diligence for out of it spring the issues of life."!
If only i had realized that just by sitting on my couch and watching those films and thinking to myself that i was better than those girls, if only i had realized that it all started there!
I used to say that my eating disorder was a result of many different things now i know that it def. was not it started on the couch while watching films of those girls and thinking to myself " nope won't ever find innocent little Bethy doing something that stupid ( cause that is literally what i thought i thought that the sin they were doing was stupid now i know it was not but in all actuality it is prideful).
I could have squashed it years before it happened if i had been searching my heart and if i had truly been examining it! But unfortunately i did not and now all i can do is be thankful and help others that i may come across with in the future who may be struggling with the same thing ( thus I feel God leading me toward counseling).
Fortunately my Father spared me from losing my life ( which i deserved to lose). And He chose to keep me here on earth not because i am in errantly good but because HE is so gracious and merciful beyond measure! He chose to forgive me totally Psalm 130:4 " But there is forgiveness with You that You may be feared." Psalm 103:3-4 " Who forgiveth ALL thy sins who healeth all thy diseases who redeems thy life from destruction: who crowns thee with loving kindness and tender mercies."
Lets not forget where we have come from!
Anyone is capable the difference realizing that we are all guilty and are capable of ANY sin but that we have a purpose of heart and that we are striving to live it out!
Dare to be humble Daniels for our KING!
My Chains Are Gone!
I wrote this as an assignment for school but am praying that the Lord would allow me to write more and hopefully someday it will become a book. I already have the second chapter in mind and where i want the story to go. So please pray that if the Lord wills it that i would be able to finish this not for my glory but His!!
Side note to Esther: yes the young girl in here was named after you, should this ever become a book it will be dedicated to the two godly ladies God has used in my life to direct me towards Him that being you and Lynnae Callison ( Lynnae's character does not come into play until later in the book!).
Cold chains clink together; the darkness is so thick that one cannot see what is ahead or behind. I can feel warm liquid oozing through the sores on my feet from stumbling along the path all day. Dragging our feet with each step, we walk sullenly. Not knowing what lies ahead or what our final destination will be, we lifelessly stagger forward.
Letting out a sinister whisper, the Dark One suddenly interrupts our mundane lag; he informs us that this is where we will stop for the night. Pulling over to the side of the rocky path, we all begin feeling for a tree to lean against. Finding the tree line we slump slowly against the enormous trees. Moans go up all along the line from the battered lot of us; our legs and feet are cut and bruised from the brutal trail. The shackles, that bind our wrists, burn against our skin from the strain of being linked together with over fifty other people.
As I lean against a tree, my mind races with thoughts of what would happen next. “Will he ever free us?” I wonder. “Will we get the delicious cakes again tonight?” Just thinking of the scrumptious cakes makes my mouth water.
Turning to the person next to me, I inquire if he thinks that we will get the cakes. “I doubt it. He only gives us them a little at a time. Sometimes we go for months without them. I think it is because he wants us to thirst and hunger more and more for them so we will not take him for granted.”
Suddenly, the Dark One heads down the line of chains, toward me. Repeating the same phrase he does every night, his voice, almost snakelike, cackles as he passes each person. “Freedom and all your desires are what I have promised, and them you shall have once we reach our destination. You are in the right; you have chosen the truth and the way. You all will have great riches and blessing.”
I can tell by the groaning of the ones who sit ahead of me that the “cakes” are not being passed out tonight.
When he finally stops in front of me and finishes his speech, I ask him why it is so dark and why I feel like there is still something missing. He promised me only four days ago when I stumbled onto him that I could have everything I wanted. He promised me a better life and so far I have found nothing but emptiness and despair. “All you have given me is darkness and an empty feeling inside. Where are the great riches? Where is the light?” I inquire.
“You have had the cakes; have you not? No one is bossing you around anymore. You are free from your authorities. Are you not?” A cold chill creeps up my spine as I hear his voice. Dejected and alone, with no real answers given to my question, I slump back down against the tree.
Before long, I fall into a fitful sleep. The chains that bind my wrists are pulled this way and that. Causing me to be pulled around against my will, as others ahead and behind keep tossing and turning their bodies. Waking suddenly with a jerk of my chain, I rub my hands against my face, noticing that it has sunken in considerably. I know I need nourishment but not the kind I have been receiving from him.
His so-called nourishment, although tasty, never fills me and only leaves me desiring more. It never fully satisfies the hunger that burns deep within my soul. I know there is something missing. I know that this is not true freedom. But how can I get out? And if I did where could I go?
As these thoughts dart through my head, I suddenly catch sight of a small light on the path from the direction we had come. It looks as if it is moving towards me. I rub my eyes to make certain that I am not imagining it. Sure enough, it is a small light. Just looking at it warms my soul, and yet a sense of awe and great power comes over me at the same time.
As it edges closer, it begins to light up everything around and behind it. Colors – I can actually see colors now! The green grass and brown tree trunks send me a glimmer of hope. All along the road and amongst the trees, flowers start popping up out of nowhere. As the light begins to illuminate those farther down and closer to the light than me, I can finally see what they look like. Their hair and faces are gray. Deathlike, gnarled hands shade their eyes from the blinding light. They look like skeletons. Some reach for the light, while others who have been with the Dark One for a long while struggle at the chains as they try to get away from the light.
I begin to see people on the path. But these people are nothing like us; they have no chains. They are well fed and have beautiful faces. They are people of many ages and all colors; each person is clothed in white. Satisfaction beams on their countenances!
But perhaps the oddest thing is they have a Master like we do. However, this Master is very different. He is not harsh or cold, and He does not bind his slaves in chains. He does not walk slumped over. Having no sly grin but a warm expression, He wears white, and His face shines brightly.
Passing by, He turns His gaze toward me. His brown eyes pierce into what feels like my very soul. I know that He can see all of my short comings — all of my sin. I suddenly feel exposed; I have no where to hide and no excuse to give.
A feeling of uncleanness overtakes me; I am unworthy to even hold His gaze. But instead of sneaking away farther into the woods, something else within His eyes catches my attention. A flutter of hope runs through my ravaged being. I can see love and compassion mingled with divine power and holy judgment. As He continues along the path, the people following Him begin to exit. Starting to talk to some of those around me, they show no judgment just compassion and empathy.
Looking at the stretch of trail before me, I see a girl heading straight towards me. Clothed in a white robe, she looks like she is about ten years old. Her red curls cascade down at her sides. Her face beams with happiness and a joy which I have never seen before. She kneels down beside me. I quickly turn my back to her in shame and begin straining against the chains trying to get away.
As I do this, I look towards the Dark One. He is just a ways off looking straight at the One in white, who had just passed by. I can see fear in the Dark One’s eyes, mingled with hatred toward the Master of all these beautiful people.
The Dark One’s gaze quickly turns toward me, and I can hear a faint whisper slither from his mouth. “Don’t listen to them; they lie. Don’t heed a word they say. You will lose everything and will be miserable. You will have no fun! None of your desires will be fulfilled; stay here with me! I will be back as soon as they have passed on. Don’t go! I hope you are here when I return.” With that he slinks farther into the woods.
“Would you like to be free?”
The girl’s calm voice grabs me. Turning around, I lower my eyes to the ground. “Is that even possible?” I ask. “Just look at me! I’m clothed in black, with chains around my wrists; no one can break them! And look at you clothed in white; you have no chains. You should not associate with me. I do not deserve this attention from you. I am not worthy.”
“You are right,” she replies. “I have no chains, and I am wearing white. I have been set free, but I was once like you. I was once bound by sin and clothed in black as you are now. I know what it feels like to be bound in chains. I know the despairing feeling of hopelessness as one hungers for something more.”
“Tell me then how it is you came to not be like this,” I ask as I look into her emerald eyes.
Her voice feels like a breath of fresh air as she begins to explain. “He unlocked the chains. My master gave me these white clothes; He set me free!” Pulling out a piece of bread from her pocket, she continues. “You look starved; would you like some bread?”
The bread she holds looks so delicious and warm; its aroma trickles from her hand to my nose. My stomach begins to growl. “Tell me just one thing; does it satisfy? Will I still feel hunger pangs after eating it?”
“Yes and no,” she states. A puzzled expression forms creases on my forehead.
“Please explain. I do not understand how something can satisfy and yet leave one hungry for more?”
“It satisfies alright,” she continues, “but you will always want more. That is a wonderful thing because there is always plenty to go around; we never run out!” she exclaims excitedly. Offering the piece again, she puts it before my face. Grabbing it, I take a bite and swallow. Suddenly the hunger pangs cease. At the same time, my heart stirs within me. I am satisfied for the time being and yet still want more.
“What is this freedom you speak of?” I inquire. Her green eyes flood with joy as she begins to tell me all about her Master. She explains how He holds the keys to unlock the tight chains that bind us.
When she finishes her explanation, another question bursts out of my mouth like water from a flood gate. “Would you ask Him if He will set me free?” My voice trembles with excitement. “Oh yes!” she exclaim. Rising to her feet, she skips away toward the path.
I watch her master as she makes her way toward Him. He appears to be kneeling on His knees. I can see His mouth moving; it seems that He is talking to someone, but no one is in sight.
“Master, a young lady wants to be free; she has tried the bread of life and is desperate to be liberated from her sin, guilt, and the Dark One.”
“I have been praying for her. I knew you would come soon; let’s go,” he replies. I can tell by His voice that He is overjoyed at the news, and it almost seems like He is trying to keep back tears from spilling down His face.
It takes only moments for them to reach me; joy floods my being as I watch Him approach. When He stops just in front of me, I bow to the ground in reverence to Him. Stooping down to my level, He lifts my chin and smiles. “I can free you, but you must understand that I will be your master now. No chains will bind you. You can leave at anytime. At any point, you can stray from the path and from my very presence. It is my pleasure to free you, and I hope that you will always stay near me. And should you stray, I will always pursue you, but never bind you and make you come back.” His voice sounds smoother than the rocks at the bottom of a fast flowing river.
With that said, He reaches into His pocket and pulls out a golden key with an inscription: “Paid for with my blood: your justification.”
Suddenly my shackles snap with a loud crack. Rusty, orange dust falls from them as they crash to the forest floor. It feels like a weight has been lifted from me. Starting at my feet, my clothes begin to transform to a pure white. My face shines with thankfulness as my gaze falls on the Master before me.
“Thank you!” was all I could manage to stammer. But before I could gather my thoughts and thank Him more, some other followers of His ask Him to come and unlock others like me from their sin-ravaged lives. My Master quietly slips away with them.
“I am so happy that you are free,” sitting next to me on the forest floor, the red- haired girl giggles with delight. But something about the Master struck me and I need answers.
“Little girl, what is your name?” I ask, tired of just calling her, “little girl.”
“Esther,” she replies.
“Esther, please tell me, why does our Master have scars on His wrists and feet, and why when He unlocked my chains, did they start bleeding? Where did He get them? Why does He have them?”
Suddenly, sadness and remorse pervades her face.
“Because in order to obtain the key that unlocks our sin chains, He had to suffer and die a terrible death. Those holes that you saw were made by nails; He died on the cross to obtain the key: our key to freedom.”
Great grief streams through my being as she talks. Suddenly my freedom became more special to me; my freedom had cost something great. It had been free for me; however it had cost my master a great deal.
My legs spring into action as my eyes dart everywhere looking for the One who has set me free. Finally, I spot Him back at the rock kneeling and whispering.
I sprint towards Him. He lifts His head with a smile as He sees me approach. “My daughter, is there something wrong?” He asks concern dripping off every word. Finally before Him, I kneel to the ground. “Thank you, Master; thank you for dying so that I may be free. I had not realized moments ago what it had cost you to set me free from my chains. Master, you are worthy of all my praise, all my love, and all my devotion. I will follow you!”
Once again, He stoops low and lifts my face to His. “Little child, you have been set free. I am glad to hear that you have chosen my path.”
Turning my face toward the ground, He points out another path next to His.
“This, child, was the path you had been following.”
Looking at the two, I can tell that the one I had been on has many rocks and the one He leads is smooth. The one on the left is wide; but His on the right is narrow. Looking farther down the paths, I can see that My Master’s leads into fields of flowers and past peaceful streams.
But down the path I had been on, I see that it leads through fields of desolation. No grass can be found anywhere. Dry cracked earth, speckled by thorn bushes, is all that is visible. And at the very end, I can see that it would have led to my death in a lake of fire.
“There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the ends thereof are the ways of death,” His voice whispers softly in my ear. I turn to face Him as I wrap my arms around Him. His arms envelope me in a tight embrace. “Now again, I tell you that you have a choice. You do not always have to follow me. It is easy to stray off of my path because it is narrow. Although you have escaped death, you can still wander from me and get lost and hurt. Always stay close to me. Keep eating the bread of life everyday, and stay on the path. One cannot serve two masters; either he will love the one and hate the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. You left the Dark One today, but He will always be out to get you to stumble. You must decide every moment who you will serve. Will you serve and follow me? Or will you stray away with the Dark One? The choice I leave to you, my daughter.”
With that He begins heading back down the path as I and many from the Dark One’s legion follow behind Him.
Not wanting to give up on their master or their sinful desires, still others cling to the trees and to their sin.
“Tell me, will we see others like me along our path?” I ask Esther as I join her on the new path.
“Yes, maybe even soon. You will find that it is a special occasion indeed. The Master has given us the privilege of sharing our story with them and of leading them to Him. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“Yes indeed it is,” I reply taking her hand in mine. “I can hardly wait!”
Side note to Esther: yes the young girl in here was named after you, should this ever become a book it will be dedicated to the two godly ladies God has used in my life to direct me towards Him that being you and Lynnae Callison ( Lynnae's character does not come into play until later in the book!).
Cold chains clink together; the darkness is so thick that one cannot see what is ahead or behind. I can feel warm liquid oozing through the sores on my feet from stumbling along the path all day. Dragging our feet with each step, we walk sullenly. Not knowing what lies ahead or what our final destination will be, we lifelessly stagger forward.
Letting out a sinister whisper, the Dark One suddenly interrupts our mundane lag; he informs us that this is where we will stop for the night. Pulling over to the side of the rocky path, we all begin feeling for a tree to lean against. Finding the tree line we slump slowly against the enormous trees. Moans go up all along the line from the battered lot of us; our legs and feet are cut and bruised from the brutal trail. The shackles, that bind our wrists, burn against our skin from the strain of being linked together with over fifty other people.
As I lean against a tree, my mind races with thoughts of what would happen next. “Will he ever free us?” I wonder. “Will we get the delicious cakes again tonight?” Just thinking of the scrumptious cakes makes my mouth water.
Turning to the person next to me, I inquire if he thinks that we will get the cakes. “I doubt it. He only gives us them a little at a time. Sometimes we go for months without them. I think it is because he wants us to thirst and hunger more and more for them so we will not take him for granted.”
Suddenly, the Dark One heads down the line of chains, toward me. Repeating the same phrase he does every night, his voice, almost snakelike, cackles as he passes each person. “Freedom and all your desires are what I have promised, and them you shall have once we reach our destination. You are in the right; you have chosen the truth and the way. You all will have great riches and blessing.”
I can tell by the groaning of the ones who sit ahead of me that the “cakes” are not being passed out tonight.
When he finally stops in front of me and finishes his speech, I ask him why it is so dark and why I feel like there is still something missing. He promised me only four days ago when I stumbled onto him that I could have everything I wanted. He promised me a better life and so far I have found nothing but emptiness and despair. “All you have given me is darkness and an empty feeling inside. Where are the great riches? Where is the light?” I inquire.
“You have had the cakes; have you not? No one is bossing you around anymore. You are free from your authorities. Are you not?” A cold chill creeps up my spine as I hear his voice. Dejected and alone, with no real answers given to my question, I slump back down against the tree.
Before long, I fall into a fitful sleep. The chains that bind my wrists are pulled this way and that. Causing me to be pulled around against my will, as others ahead and behind keep tossing and turning their bodies. Waking suddenly with a jerk of my chain, I rub my hands against my face, noticing that it has sunken in considerably. I know I need nourishment but not the kind I have been receiving from him.
His so-called nourishment, although tasty, never fills me and only leaves me desiring more. It never fully satisfies the hunger that burns deep within my soul. I know there is something missing. I know that this is not true freedom. But how can I get out? And if I did where could I go?
As these thoughts dart through my head, I suddenly catch sight of a small light on the path from the direction we had come. It looks as if it is moving towards me. I rub my eyes to make certain that I am not imagining it. Sure enough, it is a small light. Just looking at it warms my soul, and yet a sense of awe and great power comes over me at the same time.
As it edges closer, it begins to light up everything around and behind it. Colors – I can actually see colors now! The green grass and brown tree trunks send me a glimmer of hope. All along the road and amongst the trees, flowers start popping up out of nowhere. As the light begins to illuminate those farther down and closer to the light than me, I can finally see what they look like. Their hair and faces are gray. Deathlike, gnarled hands shade their eyes from the blinding light. They look like skeletons. Some reach for the light, while others who have been with the Dark One for a long while struggle at the chains as they try to get away from the light.
I begin to see people on the path. But these people are nothing like us; they have no chains. They are well fed and have beautiful faces. They are people of many ages and all colors; each person is clothed in white. Satisfaction beams on their countenances!
But perhaps the oddest thing is they have a Master like we do. However, this Master is very different. He is not harsh or cold, and He does not bind his slaves in chains. He does not walk slumped over. Having no sly grin but a warm expression, He wears white, and His face shines brightly.
Passing by, He turns His gaze toward me. His brown eyes pierce into what feels like my very soul. I know that He can see all of my short comings — all of my sin. I suddenly feel exposed; I have no where to hide and no excuse to give.
A feeling of uncleanness overtakes me; I am unworthy to even hold His gaze. But instead of sneaking away farther into the woods, something else within His eyes catches my attention. A flutter of hope runs through my ravaged being. I can see love and compassion mingled with divine power and holy judgment. As He continues along the path, the people following Him begin to exit. Starting to talk to some of those around me, they show no judgment just compassion and empathy.
Looking at the stretch of trail before me, I see a girl heading straight towards me. Clothed in a white robe, she looks like she is about ten years old. Her red curls cascade down at her sides. Her face beams with happiness and a joy which I have never seen before. She kneels down beside me. I quickly turn my back to her in shame and begin straining against the chains trying to get away.
As I do this, I look towards the Dark One. He is just a ways off looking straight at the One in white, who had just passed by. I can see fear in the Dark One’s eyes, mingled with hatred toward the Master of all these beautiful people.
The Dark One’s gaze quickly turns toward me, and I can hear a faint whisper slither from his mouth. “Don’t listen to them; they lie. Don’t heed a word they say. You will lose everything and will be miserable. You will have no fun! None of your desires will be fulfilled; stay here with me! I will be back as soon as they have passed on. Don’t go! I hope you are here when I return.” With that he slinks farther into the woods.
“Would you like to be free?”
The girl’s calm voice grabs me. Turning around, I lower my eyes to the ground. “Is that even possible?” I ask. “Just look at me! I’m clothed in black, with chains around my wrists; no one can break them! And look at you clothed in white; you have no chains. You should not associate with me. I do not deserve this attention from you. I am not worthy.”
“You are right,” she replies. “I have no chains, and I am wearing white. I have been set free, but I was once like you. I was once bound by sin and clothed in black as you are now. I know what it feels like to be bound in chains. I know the despairing feeling of hopelessness as one hungers for something more.”
“Tell me then how it is you came to not be like this,” I ask as I look into her emerald eyes.
Her voice feels like a breath of fresh air as she begins to explain. “He unlocked the chains. My master gave me these white clothes; He set me free!” Pulling out a piece of bread from her pocket, she continues. “You look starved; would you like some bread?”
The bread she holds looks so delicious and warm; its aroma trickles from her hand to my nose. My stomach begins to growl. “Tell me just one thing; does it satisfy? Will I still feel hunger pangs after eating it?”
“Yes and no,” she states. A puzzled expression forms creases on my forehead.
“Please explain. I do not understand how something can satisfy and yet leave one hungry for more?”
“It satisfies alright,” she continues, “but you will always want more. That is a wonderful thing because there is always plenty to go around; we never run out!” she exclaims excitedly. Offering the piece again, she puts it before my face. Grabbing it, I take a bite and swallow. Suddenly the hunger pangs cease. At the same time, my heart stirs within me. I am satisfied for the time being and yet still want more.
“What is this freedom you speak of?” I inquire. Her green eyes flood with joy as she begins to tell me all about her Master. She explains how He holds the keys to unlock the tight chains that bind us.
When she finishes her explanation, another question bursts out of my mouth like water from a flood gate. “Would you ask Him if He will set me free?” My voice trembles with excitement. “Oh yes!” she exclaim. Rising to her feet, she skips away toward the path.
I watch her master as she makes her way toward Him. He appears to be kneeling on His knees. I can see His mouth moving; it seems that He is talking to someone, but no one is in sight.
“Master, a young lady wants to be free; she has tried the bread of life and is desperate to be liberated from her sin, guilt, and the Dark One.”
“I have been praying for her. I knew you would come soon; let’s go,” he replies. I can tell by His voice that He is overjoyed at the news, and it almost seems like He is trying to keep back tears from spilling down His face.
It takes only moments for them to reach me; joy floods my being as I watch Him approach. When He stops just in front of me, I bow to the ground in reverence to Him. Stooping down to my level, He lifts my chin and smiles. “I can free you, but you must understand that I will be your master now. No chains will bind you. You can leave at anytime. At any point, you can stray from the path and from my very presence. It is my pleasure to free you, and I hope that you will always stay near me. And should you stray, I will always pursue you, but never bind you and make you come back.” His voice sounds smoother than the rocks at the bottom of a fast flowing river.
With that said, He reaches into His pocket and pulls out a golden key with an inscription: “Paid for with my blood: your justification.”
Suddenly my shackles snap with a loud crack. Rusty, orange dust falls from them as they crash to the forest floor. It feels like a weight has been lifted from me. Starting at my feet, my clothes begin to transform to a pure white. My face shines with thankfulness as my gaze falls on the Master before me.
“Thank you!” was all I could manage to stammer. But before I could gather my thoughts and thank Him more, some other followers of His ask Him to come and unlock others like me from their sin-ravaged lives. My Master quietly slips away with them.
“I am so happy that you are free,” sitting next to me on the forest floor, the red- haired girl giggles with delight. But something about the Master struck me and I need answers.
“Little girl, what is your name?” I ask, tired of just calling her, “little girl.”
“Esther,” she replies.
“Esther, please tell me, why does our Master have scars on His wrists and feet, and why when He unlocked my chains, did they start bleeding? Where did He get them? Why does He have them?”
Suddenly, sadness and remorse pervades her face.
“Because in order to obtain the key that unlocks our sin chains, He had to suffer and die a terrible death. Those holes that you saw were made by nails; He died on the cross to obtain the key: our key to freedom.”
Great grief streams through my being as she talks. Suddenly my freedom became more special to me; my freedom had cost something great. It had been free for me; however it had cost my master a great deal.
My legs spring into action as my eyes dart everywhere looking for the One who has set me free. Finally, I spot Him back at the rock kneeling and whispering.
I sprint towards Him. He lifts His head with a smile as He sees me approach. “My daughter, is there something wrong?” He asks concern dripping off every word. Finally before Him, I kneel to the ground. “Thank you, Master; thank you for dying so that I may be free. I had not realized moments ago what it had cost you to set me free from my chains. Master, you are worthy of all my praise, all my love, and all my devotion. I will follow you!”
Once again, He stoops low and lifts my face to His. “Little child, you have been set free. I am glad to hear that you have chosen my path.”
Turning my face toward the ground, He points out another path next to His.
“This, child, was the path you had been following.”
Looking at the two, I can tell that the one I had been on has many rocks and the one He leads is smooth. The one on the left is wide; but His on the right is narrow. Looking farther down the paths, I can see that My Master’s leads into fields of flowers and past peaceful streams.
But down the path I had been on, I see that it leads through fields of desolation. No grass can be found anywhere. Dry cracked earth, speckled by thorn bushes, is all that is visible. And at the very end, I can see that it would have led to my death in a lake of fire.
“There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the ends thereof are the ways of death,” His voice whispers softly in my ear. I turn to face Him as I wrap my arms around Him. His arms envelope me in a tight embrace. “Now again, I tell you that you have a choice. You do not always have to follow me. It is easy to stray off of my path because it is narrow. Although you have escaped death, you can still wander from me and get lost and hurt. Always stay close to me. Keep eating the bread of life everyday, and stay on the path. One cannot serve two masters; either he will love the one and hate the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. You left the Dark One today, but He will always be out to get you to stumble. You must decide every moment who you will serve. Will you serve and follow me? Or will you stray away with the Dark One? The choice I leave to you, my daughter.”
With that He begins heading back down the path as I and many from the Dark One’s legion follow behind Him.
Not wanting to give up on their master or their sinful desires, still others cling to the trees and to their sin.
“Tell me, will we see others like me along our path?” I ask Esther as I join her on the new path.
“Yes, maybe even soon. You will find that it is a special occasion indeed. The Master has given us the privilege of sharing our story with them and of leading them to Him. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“Yes indeed it is,” I reply taking her hand in mine. “I can hardly wait!”
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