You have probably heard this, but I have learned first hand what people mean by when they say that having a baby and raising a child Changes so many things! From our schedule, to our finances, to what we really care about anymore, to what we think about (I worry about her constantly…I mean I worry about things I never even knew existed!). It changes so much! Having child also has changed even what we do and or say. Things have changed so much since bringing home our little Miriam.
But among the changes some things unfortunately remain the same. One of those being my struggle with an eating disorder.
Here I was thinking “man I’ve pretty much got this thing!” I mean after all being pregnant and having a child changed things.
I got better on the outside, but only because I had to! I changed outwardly for fear of losing her thru miscarriage (when I was pregnant) or now for fear of my milk supply going too far down or her not getting enough high calorie milk from me. Outwardly I put on weight; I didn’t run anymore (during pregnancy). I looked like I was doing-better.
But God has showed me this past week that I am still struggling with this in my heart.
My devotions have been in Matthew lately, and God has been reminding me of the importance of honoring Him with my heart (inward man), not just my lips (outward man), He has been reminding me of the need to not just say “I’m going to change” or even have the outward actions of change (eating more, exercising less, for the sake of the Baby and my milk supply). But rather that my desires need to change as well!
God brought all this to a head this past Sunday morning.Josh preached on the passage of the Israelite's and Aaron building a calf worshiping it, whilst Moses was on the mount worshiping the One True God. What a stark contrast that is! And all of us are there! We are either on the mountaintop worshiping the One true God or we are wallowing in the valley worshiping a false god. I was convicted right there that I needed to let go of-my god…my eating disorder.
I begged God to change my passions, to ruin me for any other passion than a passion for Him alone.
Little did I know that God would challenge that very prayer!Be careful that you mean what you pray when you pray it! Weigh the cost and make sure you mean it, because chances are God will challenge your prayer and if you really meant it!
Later that afternoon went for a run. I’ve been running for two weeks now, it has been six weeks since Miriam’s birth. I had some pain after her birth, but it subsided and thus I started running again. But Sunday suddenly that very same pain came back. I went to the doctor for my six week check the next day and she had no clue as to what my pain could be about.
Thus I was left with pain and no answers as to what or why.I have been forced to walk instead of run and even walking is painful and I start limping after a while. At first I was like “well it should go away-eventually.” I tried to stay positive. But as with all ladies my mind went to the worse case scenario…what if I can’t ever run again?!!!???! What if this is my new normal??
I CANT HAVE THIS! But what if God said “You will have this Bethany!”I always wondered why God didn’t take away my god by paralyzing me so that I couldn't run or doing something to me that rendered me useless to running.Maybe He now has!
I LOVE RUNNING A LOT!Running is not bad, it is a good exercise, a great stress reliever and a chance to enjoy God’s creation, both nature and also how He designed the body to be able to do such a thing: RUN! But this has become my god.
Thru this pain returning God has forced me to see and choose the more important things. He has showed me that being thin and fit is my god.Every “god” has commands. Things we must follow. In God’s case we really must follow those commands….in the case of our smaller case g gods we don’t have to actually follow those commands…we just tell ourselves that we have to. My god is staying fit and being thin, thus my gods commands are “you MUST run (or exercise someway somehow) EVERYDAY!”
I’m driven by that, and when I don’t fulfill that for any reason I feel as though I have sinned. But that is just a feeling! We have been reading a book in our ladies bible study at my church entitled “the lies women believe.” In this book the author explains that just because we “feel”something doesn’t make it true. We all know this….believe this…but I struggle living it! I feel something or don’t feel something and act on it. Sometimes we are required to do something or not do something even when we don’t “feel” like it! Our feelings do not actually always follow the truth! Sometimes we have to do the truth going against out feelings and perhaps later on our feelings will eventually align to the truth…but even if they never do, we still are required to follow the truth no matter how we feel.
This is what Im having to do. I feel like I MUST run…I feel like if this pain lasts forever and I never am able to run again I will FALL APART. That is ridiculous and selfish and prideful, that’s where I am at emotionally! But the truth is what Im choosing to go with!
I don’t have to run! If I GET to run than I thank God! If Idon’t, I still thank God and trust Him. If this pain does not ever go away, I STILL THANK GOD! I still trust Him, and walk in obedience and change. Do I feel these things? Nope my feelings are screaming something totally different…but I am striving not to listen!
Yesterday, I was allowing my feelings to get the better of me…and I was ranting to Josh. Saying I don’t know what I will do if I never run again. Josh turned to me and said, well you have Miriam. What would you have,running or Miriam?. That stopped me! Emotionally it didn’t stop me…emotionally I was like “I want to run!” But the truth of that question, the truth of what really is more important, was what stopped me.
Martha and Mary had two very different choices. Martha chose the temporary, Mary the eternal. And Christ said Mary had chosen the greater part. Daily I ask that God show me what my “better part” is for the day. I pray that and sometimes totally miss my“better part.” But God used Josh that day that I was ranting to help me to seethe better part.
Running is good, it does profit for this earth, but Spiritual things profit so much the more and that for here on earth and Eternity! Some say that our children will be our greatest disciples. Thus that would be a spiritual thing that I need to work on. When I get to heaven God isn't going to be concerned with if I ran everyday and stayed fit and thin, He will care though how I raised my little girl and if I discipled her towards Himself. My “better part” is NOT running, it is RAISING this little arrow He gave to me so that she can later be used of Him!
Having Miriam is a gift beyond compare! I may never run again because I bore a sweet little girl, but that is okay, because my life isn't about me! It IS about Him! His will was that I bear Marybeth, and that might come at the cost of my running self, but that is what HE WANTED!
Again I say having a child CHANGES many things, but GOD CHANGES EVERYTHING! Sure I should change in my eating disorder for Miriam, but I must change for GOD!
I do not want what Jesus said of the Pharisees to be true of me:
“Hypocrites! Isaiah prophesied correctly of you when he said‘this people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me, and they worship me in vain, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.”Matthew 15:7-9
It is NO coincidence that God had me in this very passage for devotions the morning following Josh's preaching on the golden calf. I cannot teach Miriam that running is more important than God by the way I live my life. I cannot teach her that the doctrine of needing to run everyday is a command to be followed. I also cannot just honor God with my lips, I cant just pray and say and ask that I will change, I actually have to step forward(forsaking feeling) and CHANGE!
You think God is trying to drive something home with me? I know HE IS! He wants-me totally devoted to Him, forsaking all else. It is high time for me to surrender once again. I have a feeling that perhaps this will be a lifelong struggle. This cant be a one time thing, it is a constant moment to moment surrender!
Sure I surrendered from this sin many times (at camp, at home, at church…the list goes on). But it has to be a daily thing! Christ knew the truth in this being a daily thing when He said that we must DAILY take up our cross, deny ourselves and choose to follow God! He created us, so of course HE KNOWS us better than we know ourselves.He knows it has to be daily! So may I keep surrendering. May I live my life so that I point Marybeth away from this sin that I never want her to fall into,may I point her to Christ the One Who sets us free!
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