When God Whispers

It had been a long week! I had went to the older couples farm to take care of them. It was Josh and my first week apart since being married L. My heart leaped within me each mile that I passed bringing me that much closer to Shepherd’s pointe….to my home…to Joshua!

When I arrived home, Joshy had many things to share, as did I (after having limited communication all week). He had that gleam in his eye, the one he always gets when he has bought something special for me or someone else. His whole body gives him away, he can’t keep secrets, especially not surprises for the ones he loves. He can hardly contain himself and it’s rather fun to watch!



“I have something for you sugar.” 

“Oh Joshua…” 

“Sugar it’s an early birthday present…come with me it’s in the pole barn!” He was so excited. The gleam in his eye twinkled even brighter! We were only a week from my birthday…I am one who loves to be surprised but likes to save the surprise for the actual day. Like I don’t like opening presents early, I wait till the day of, I like building the anticipation…not sure why, so of course I said : “Let’s just wait till it is actually my birthday.” 

“Um…you don’t want to do that sugar…come on…come with me to the pole barn!” The hesitation, that sly smirk beginning to steal his face, coupled with the fact that he had been saying that he was going to buy me a sheep…a little lamb for my birthday…could this be it??! I love sheep, and have wanted one for sometime. Our landlord had said we couldn’t have sheep as livestock…but he hadn’t said anything about just having one as a pet. Would Joshy really have been serious when he said he would get me one for my birthday?



Excitement leapt up my stomach and into my throat as I entered the pole barn. “It’s in here, in the kennel.” “Shall I cover my eyes?” I ask as we near the little dog kennel. “Yes!” So I cover my eyes and stand there. “Okay hold out your hands but keep your eyes closed tight.” His voice can hardly contain the excitement. This is it! This is my sheep!



For a split second I hesitated …. “wait…hadn’t Josh also been talking about getting a guinea pig as well…oh no! He knows I’m afraid of them.” Despite my fear of getting bit by whatever furry thing he was going to place into my hands, I kept my hands held out to receive my present.



I felt the soft fur and a warm body, upon opening my eyes I saw the cutest orange striped cat! I couldn’t believe it! I had mentioned only once that I like orange striped cats the best, not wanting one just saying that I liked them. And lo and behold Joshy got me one!



Now I have always been more a dog person. In fact if I had to choose I would always take a dog over a cat. This is mainly because most cats are sneaky and also because they mostly just stick around because you feed them. Most are more concerned about playing and chasing and catching. While dogs on the other hand almost worship the very ground we walk on. They are obsessesed with pleasing us, obsessed with being with us, not because of the food, but just because they love us. This is the way my sweet mini Aussie shepherd/border collie Fiona is. She loves Josh and I to death and would do anything to protect us.



Cats just don’t do that, they are just not as loyal as dogs are. Don’t get me wrong, I love almost all animals (minus guinea pigs lol), so therefore I do love cats and was thankful for this kitten Joshy got me. Little did I know just how much I would come to love him.



I wanted to name him “Tony Stark” since I was Ironman for the cooks parade this summer. Plus too since he was striped and looked like a tiger it could also be “Tony the Tiger” since Josh and I LIKE cereal so much!

Tony ended up being very different than most cats I have met. Most cats love to play, and they get distracted easily. Tony, however, was not like that. 



When we would go outside he just followed me. In fact we got him some toys and even those could not deter him, he was all about people. He just wanted to snuggle and wanted to be with us all the time. In fact when we would leave him in the pole barn in the kennel at night he was always devastated. Crying out really loudly and obnoxiously. He would follow me just like a dog would…just like Fiona always does. He was just like having another puppy. OH the fun we had, how close we had grown, and only a week had passed and already we were almost inseparable. I took him with me whenever I could.



It was the day before my birthday and it was a beautiful morning! The red hues of the sunrise brightened the sky as I ran the last jaunt of my morning run. It had been a wonderful night. We had some college friends (soon to be married..Betsy and Aaron J ) and my little sister over for pizza and a movie. What fun we had sharing and talking, playing the Wii and showing them all the things that we had been blessed with. Aaron especially took to our kitty Tony as did Nana (she is so much like me!). 



Now it was time to awaken Joshua and Nana, so we could feed the animals (especially Tony) so that we could be on time for the Hawk game at my parents house.

It was set to be a fun day. 



After breakfast Josh went outside to search for the extra cats we had taken in for a friend of ours, whilst nana and I went to the barn to feed the ducks and Tony. I quickly let Tony out of his kennel and fed him some tuna. Turning I glanced at Chief, and thought I had better feed him too, since we wont be back till late. Another thought quickly followed that but what if he gets out like he did the other day…you should just wait and let Josh do it….but I want it done now…I can handle it…he wont get out.” Oh how I wish I would have listened and followed my second line of thinking…but rather I went with the first and third line. I crossed over and got his food, and opened the door. BAD MOVE! He slinked right out past me, and made a bee line for little Tony. I screamed “NO! NO CHIEF!” 



Nana looked up from her spot next to Tony. Her eyes looked huge as chief came barreling over, headed straight for the kitten at her feet. How thankful I am that she didn’t move to pick Tony up…who knows what chief might have done in his fury. He was running entirely on instinct at this point. 



Tony’s hair bristled and he hissed so loudly and swiped at Chiefs muzzle. Tony could have easily run away and climbed onto something higher…like our fridge or the duck kennel. But no he stayed right where he was and readied himself for a battle he could never win. In hinds sight Josh and I figure that Tony was trying to protect Nana. She was right next to him, and he being such a loyal cat didn’t know that chief was a danger to us at all but only to him. 



I watched in complete horror as chief grabbed Tony in his mouth and began to shake him. I screamed so loud and went running for Josh, nana screaming right behind me. Chief is huge weighing almost 80 pounds..I was no match for him, plus he does not listen to me, so I ran for my knight in shining armour. I ran for Joshua. Joshy will fix this….it’s all going to be okay.” 



Before I could even step out of the pole barn, Joshy was there asking what was wrong. All I could get out was “ It’s chief…he has Tony!” Josh quickly brushed past me pulling the pole barn door shut behind him, leaving nana and I in the little alley between the barn and the house.



I collapsed by the door to our house, not even bother to go inside I just covered my head and cried. Nana was next to me crying as well. All the while I just kept thinking that Joshua would right my wrong. That some way somehow Tony was going to be okay. Chief would let go and all would be alright.



We could hear him yelling at chief. Telling him no. Finally, things got quiet. I gathered my strength and went into the pole barn. “Joshy…” 

“It was too late beth…just go in the house.” 



“NO! It can’t be!” I walked over to the kennel and peaked inside. There Tony was just lying there. I grabbed him. His body was limp but it was still warm. “Oh Tony…oh my precious…no!” I just kept saying no over and over as tears spilled down my cheeks. “He is so warm…Josh he has to still be alive…are you sure? There’s no marks on him…just a little bit of blood…not much…he has to be alive Jos..”



“No beth, he is dead.” Josh said solemnly. My eyes filled with tears a fresh and I started sobbing uncontrollably. “NO!” 

“Beth just go inside, okay? Just go inside…I’m going to bury him.”

“No!” I kept crying and saying no and ran into the house. I couldn’t stop crying. I just collapsed on my bed and cried. Then came the anger. Fury at the dog who had killed my precious kitty. I got up and punched the big sheep that Josh gave me…then I jumped off my bed and wiped my tears and stomped out to the barn. Josh had gone to the field to dig a hole. WE laugh about this now, that I ran out to the barn and grabbed the wire kennel and yelled “I hate you” at chief over a dozen times. All the while he just looked at me like I was stupid! Haha lol!

I was angry at chief when really it was my fault. I had been the one that opened the door. 



A door that should have never been opened. I had wanted a job done and wanted it done right then, and because I did not take the time to wait, it cost me something dear to me.

Chief was acting out of mere instinct. I had turned loose something that should have stayed bottled up.



I got up enough courage to go and join Josh for the burial of our kitty, whom we only had for a week. My voice was raw by this point from screaming and crying and yelling. I cried like a baby. Death is a hard thing, something I have always hated, and somewhat feared as well. Not because of where I would go, no I have the assurance that because of what Christ did on the cross and in rising again, I know that when I breathe my last here on earth it twill be my first breath in heaven with my dear and precious Savior and King and with God my Almighty Creator. I just fear the unknown of death. What does it feel like? How will it happen? The fear of the unknown.



I once was told that death is something to be hated and feared because it was never meant to be. In the beginning there was no death, in fact death was not in God’s original plan. But because of sin death has now passed upon everything. Everything that lives will eventually die (except the believers that are still alive at the Rapture of Jesus Christ’s church). Death is un-natural and should have never been. But worse than physical death is spiritual death. 



Physical death has a remedy: Belief in Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. Spiritual death, however, has no remedy. We are all born spiritually dead, and dying physically. If we accept Christ before I physical death we will escape spiritual and eternal death in Hell. Once we physically die, if we have not accepted Christ then we will die spiritually and there is no remedy for that. WE all get one life in which to accept the spiritual and eternal life offered, if we reject that then we will die spiritually for all eternity.



Death is a cruel thing. It comes unexpectedly (no one knows the exact time one will breathe their last breath), it rips loved ones from us and tears what we hold dear apart from us. That day before my birthday it took Tony from me. There one moment, gone the next. The Bible says that it is this way not just for little kittens like Tony, but also for all living things.



But unlike Tony, we have life after death. Tony is gone and is no more, but my brother who passed while still in my mother’s womb, Joshua is what we called him, he lives on and so do all other humans.



Where will you live on when you pass? Where will you go? Do you fear death because you have no idea where you will go? If so please reach out! I would be more than happy to help you know and accept Christ as your Savior and how to be made right with God and begin your relationship with Him.



After we buried Tony, we went inside. I asked Josh for forgiveness, for jumping ahead, and for not thinking things through. It was my fault that Tony had died. 

Something that I told Breanna that day, something I hope she never forgets, is that God is always trying to teach us. 



Everyday, in everything God always has something for us to learn and ways for us to draw ever closer to Him. I told her that too often it is really easy for us to miss these lessons. To just not think things through and not try and find these things out. It is far too easy to just dismiss things as “coincidence” and totally miss the still small voice of God calling us higher.



So what was God trying to teach me at that moment??



I often want things done and done “now.” I am like a microwave. No, microwaves don’t really make elaborate meals, however they sure do heat things, and fast! 

Joshy, however, is worlds apart. He is concerned more with doing things well. He tends to be more like an oven, which makes more elaborate dishes, but it takes its good sweet time at it.



Krista took her good sweet time in learning to walk. She observed for a long time and then one day she was able to just stand up and go, because she had watched and observed. I on the other hand, didn’t think things through. I just forged ahead. As you can imagine I banged into many a wall time and again! In fact my mother never ceases to remind me of the truth that almost every week there appeared a wound from the battle. 



My mom was asked almost every Sunday what had happened to her young toddler that she would always have a goose egg on her forehead. The mother always just sighed and explained that this I had insisted on walking and just forged ahead, whether I was fully prepared and ready or not. For that I payed with bruises and goose eggs.





Sad to say that what I exercised in walking (forging ahead with no real thought or practice) I also in turn did in just about everything I did. As I grew older it didn’t matter whether it was school work, or an instrument, or fishing, or a game, or cooking (too bad for my poor hubby) or cleaning, I always just forged ahead, “jumping the gun” so to speak. 



Never really taking as much thought as I probably should to what I am doing. I always want things done quickly, it didn’t matter if they were done the very best they could be, just so that they are done and quick enough so I can move to the next thing. Although I do not rush everything in my life, it is true, many many things that I do (esp. new skills) I just forge ahead. 



This was exactly what I had done the morning that Tony died. I had forged ahead. I wanted something done and just did it. Not really taking the time to think things through and take the time to care.



We are blessed that nothing worse happened. That chief didn’t go for the ducks. Or that nana didn’t pick Tony up, for if she had no doubt chief might have jumped on her and could have knocked her clean over and she may have really gotten hurt.



I could almost hear my Father in heaven…. “Bethy, did you see that? You are always forging ahead, always wanting things done quickly and in your timing. You need to slow down, I have been trying to tell you this for a long time, and you know this. I love you and I want you to use the way I made you for my glory and in my way. 

But this Bethy…this is not my way. I created you with a desire to get things done, but there is a balance my daughter…you must find it! You remind me so much of another daughter of mine…of Martha…you need to change your focus…you need to turn your entire passion and self towards me alone.”



The following day was my birthday. Joshy and I ended up finding three free cats. Two kittens and their mother (all orange striped), and after we pick them up we also found some Bengal kittens ( a brother and sister). Joshy wanted to make my birthday special and that he did! I couldn’t help but be reminded of the story of Job, how he had lost everything dear to him, only to have it all be given back to him and that SEVEN FOLD!



Its true, I had lost Tony, but I gained Gibbs, Ziva, Toby and Tigger and their mom Chloe. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. But He is always to be blessed and praised in the both the giving and the taking. Often in the giving, we feel invincible, we become obsessed with the blessings that we often forget about the Blessings! 



The new cats are wonderful, I love them all. But truth be told they are not quite like Tony. While they love people and show affection, they are easily turned aside to toys and distractions. They are not like Tony who was totally focused on people. 



We are often like that. God desires for us to be like Tony, totally devoted and filled with a passion for only Him. But instead we often end up like my Kitty Catties (Gibbs, Ziva, Toby and Tigger). Too often we are turned aside to focus on the “blessings” of this life instead of focusing on the “Blessings.” 



Too often we become so wrapped up in the gifts He gives (money, jobs, talents, time, loved ones, animals, possessions, knowledge, a fit body, food, the newest gadget, attention from others…the list goes on).



WE all have at least one (or many) things that turn us aside. Satan knows this and knows our weak points and uses them against us. We must be like Tony though! We have to be like him when he faced Chief. He stood up in the face of great opposition. He readied himself and used the tools given him. We have been given tools as well (a full set of armour!). Why don’t we use them?



This incident is filled with the whispers of God. He has spoken to me in the midst of this happening, but I had to dig for it. Had to think through the event, and mull each moment over in my mind. But as things always are with God there is always far more to still be learned…no doubt I have only barely begun to scratch the surface! So here are only some of the small whispers that I have heard:




Slow down and think things through. 

Be more like Mary in the Bible and metaphorically like Tony my kitty: totally focused on my Owner. Laying aside the idols and distractions that so easily turn me away. Stop being like Martha in the Bible and metaphorically like my new kitty catties Gibbs, Ziva, Toby and Tigger: only half sold out, distracted by the things of this world.

Put on the Armour and ready myself to fight Satan, like Tony readied himself to fight Chief. 

Also the brevity of life. Life is short! Tony was there one moment, gone the next. People are no different. Are we ready to meet our Maker? Are we physically dying but spiritually alive? 

Lastly, I was reminded that God is always trying to teach me. Always trying to draw me closer to Himself and to the image of His Son.




So what is God teaching you lately? What are something’s He has been whispering to you? The thing about whispering is, it always causes you to lean in closer to the one whispering, and causes you to cease talking (for fear of missing it) and to just be still and listen. Funny thing is, I think that’s God’s entire idea behind it all!

So what is He whispering to you?? Are you leaning in? Or do you not even care to hear it? Are you still talking over Him? It’s easy to do. Are you dismissing it as something else, as just coincidence? What is He whispering?

God: an Indian Giver?

Sometimes does it seem that God gives something only to take it away?

It happened to me as alot as a kid. For some weird reason me and my brother Joe and sister Krista always liked to trade things with one another. And as it happened countless times, we would trade items (toys or clothes that we liked of the others for a toy or clothing that the other liked). I would just get settled in with the new toy or clothing, just begin to enjoy it, when my sibling would come and ask for it back! How I hated that. Does God ever do this as well? Sometimes it seems as if He does (although with Him it's different because there's no trading involved only giving on His part). Seems that He gives us something (a person, a child, a home, a car, a new gadget, a new job ect.) only to have it taken from us in death, or by robbery, or having it break, or getting fired etc. So is God an indian giver?

I could feel the heat of the huge fire flush my cheeks red. Many a times since this have I sat at the famous huge bon-fire of IRBC at Sr. High camp, but this time was to be extra special. This night in particular, Pastor Phil asked that all who felt called to missions, come and stand to his right, and all those who felt called to full-time ministry to come on his left side. I stood and went right down to his left side without even thinking twice.

As I got down there, it was pretty dark and I could tell that there were quite a few of us standing there.



How ironic that I should get down there and standing directly in front of me was none other than the Joshua Farrell! “OH no! He can’t see me!” I can still remember the serious look on his face, that determined and set look that he was dedicated to the full time ministry God had called him to, the same look that was on my own face.

I remember walking back to my cabin that night, the stars shining all around. My mom came and walked alongside me. “You will never guess who was right in front of me mom when I went down for full time ministry.”



“Who Bethany?” I think she could sense the dread in my voice.

“Joshua Farrell! UGH!”

“Hahaha, wouldn’t that be funny if you married him? I mean you both feel called to full time ministry!”

I about gagged. “You’re kidding! No! I would never in a million years marry Joshua Farrell!”

God sure does have a sense of HUMOR does’nt He? Just a word to the wise (side-note) never say you’ll “never” do something (good of course)…cuz chances are God will see to it that you will!





As a young girl I had always felt called to go into full time ministry. Me and my siblings, just like any children, would occasionally talk about what we would like to be when we grew up. You know the usual would “pop-up.” The typical: firefighter, vet, mom, policeman (woman). But if dad was ever around at that moment when we would be discussing such high schemes and dreams, he would always ask a simple question that always seemed to prick at my very soul, “what do you think God would have you do? What about full-time ministry?”



He asked that so often and reminded us that while it was not required of us to hand our entire life over to full-time ministry, that is something he would have loved to see us all do. He of course wanted us to do God’s bidding especially if that was full-time ministry.

After listening to the “Patch the Pirate goes to the jungle” over and over again I was always challenged with the young boy Samuel at the end.



Patch and his crew visit the jungle to find treasure that was hidden by Patch’s father. While there they meet a missionary to the jungle, and discover that this missionary is rather old and ready to retire, and had prayed ore and ore for a young replacement.

As it turns out they find the treasure and give it all to this missionary. But for one of Patches’ crew members, young Samuel, a monetary gift was not enough. Samuel felt called to be that “replacement” Mr. Missionary had prayed for. And so in the end Samuel stayed. I still get goosebumps listening to that part of the CD.

All this to say that the Holy Spirit used my father and that CD to get me to see that He wanted me in some kind of full-time ministry. At first I thought I should be a missionary. Then as I grew older I felt more called to be a Pastor’s wife.



But then I ran into some heartaches in dating, and decided to give up on marriage all-together. In that unsurrendered time, I was worried and at a loss. I knew that God had wanted me in full-time ministry, but if not as a missionary and now that I refused to marry obviously a pastor’s wife was out of the question.

What was I to do?



I remember talking with my parents about it. Telling them of my burden to counsel others (which God placed in me while at Faith in the Counseling major). Ironically enough, they talked to a pastor in the area and he said that it sounded like I would make a great pastor’s wife! Ugh! Was all I could say…what didn’t everyone get about my BEING SINGLE the rest of my life??!!?!? Kinda hard to be a Pastor’s wife if you’re not planning on marrying anyone!!





MY heels were dug in. But oh how God has a sense of humor! I think you may be sensing a trend in my life huh? I say “no” and God says “go” and I always end up going! And to be quite honest I would have it God’s way and no other! Whilst I drag my feet at first I always come to discover that God’s way is the BEST way in the end…and why would I ever expect anything other than my best from God? After all He gave His own Son!



As a child and teen I always spoke of living out in the country. Having a creek where me and my kids (I always said I would have ten…Lord willing not lol!) could play in the mud and then have a mudroom to come back and clean up in. I always wanted a lot of dogs of different breeds and have always talked about having animals.

Weird thing is, God brought all this to me!



After marrying Joshua we settled into our farm on what I call “Shepherd’s pointe.” How I loved it! There was a creek, we had two dogs, and even ducks and chickens and eventually cats! I hunted whenever I wanted, I snowboarded over all the big hills we had. I enjoyed the ducks…the dogs…the quiet…and the stars! But all that came to an end this past Saturday.



I must admit it was very hard for me to leave the farm. I cried over it a few times. But as we drove down the lane that last time, I knew that whilst the Lord had given me my childhood dream, He had also taken it away. How I had blessed and thanked Him when I was living that dream, but would I still bless and thank Him now that it is all over?



I think more hard than just leaving the farm was the fact that we left the farm to have no house to move in at all! It’s true at the moment we are homeless and have no idea where we will be living next. For now we live at our church. The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away, yet still I say “blessed be the name of the Lord!”

He never brings us what we cannot handle, and He always grows us through it! These things are SO easy to say, yet SO hard to live in light of!



One evening before we moved off the farm, Josh and I were lying in bed and he began to go through all of our current woes. Silently in my head I compiled to his list a list of my own woes as well. Suddenly my heart became overwhelmed and I cried. Course, as is my nature I didn’t let on to Joshua, as I didn’t want him to worry.



Here I was at eleven o clock at night throwing myself a little pity party. Totally bogged down I fell asleep with a heavy heart.

The next morning I asked the Lord (as I usually do) to quiet my heart and to speak to me through His Word. Somehow He always seems to bring the right passage at the right moment. This morning would be just like that.

I was in Is. 8, and the very last verse speaks of how Israel focused on the earth and all they saw was evil and darkness and anguish…sounded very familiar to me…the night before that’s all I could see! Was the pain and evil going on around me.

Earlier in that same chapter it speaks of the need to look upward to God. That hit me like a ton of bricks! I needed to look up! I was down trodden because I was focused on myself and the wrong in my world at that moment. It was just the “spanking” I needed!



Then shortly after that I began to worry about the fact that we have no home and began to be discouraged and upset a little bit over the whole thing. For the past few days I have been in Is. 9 which is all about the giving of God’s Son. And I was gently reminded that even when I have nothing and no one at all I still have Jesus Christ and tht is all that really matters in the end anyway!



So to summarize what God has taught me lately (reminded me of):



He has a sense of humor! Never ever say never when it comes to God and His work!
If you are called by God, GO! Don’t be turned aside like I was!
The Lord gives and sometimes the Lord takes away, yet do we still bless His name (His name is Who He is and what He does, did and will do).
Even when we have nothing we still have Christ! And that’s all that matters!



Now to wait and see what God has for us next! What an adventure it has been, and will be I’m sure! When I said “I do” to the handsome and sweet and godly servant hearted man I never thought I would be married to, I said for “better or for worse.” I gave Joshy my right hand and pledged all the strength and resources I had! I didn’t know I would end up homeless, and leaving the farm I had always dreamed of. All for HIM! We do what we do so that we can be better ministers of His to the flock He has called Joshua to shepherd! I would say this is the “worse” we’ve had so far. It hasn’t been a cake walk! WE have both been tried through this, but it’s also kind of an adventure! I mean we got to stay in a hotel over the weekend (which also marked our 6 month anniversary of being married…so we got to celebrate without even meaning to at a hotel!) Also I mean how many people get to sleep in their office (or husbands?).



Honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way! It has given me some extra time to write and to think and to get some much needed things done! It has grown Josh and I and stretched us. If you are reading this Joshua, I love you, and I thank you for being the provider you are! For making sure that we always have someplace warm to lay our heads at night (no it may not be the Hilton…or even the farm…it’s better than that because we still have each other and more importantly the LORD!). I trust you and I rely on you, thankyou for not letting me down! I love you!



Now to my Father in heaven, thankyou that we always have a home in heaven, and that we are just aliens here, just passin thru, so really we have no need to even fret about this silly house business anyways! Thankyou for the constant reminder lately that because you gave us your Son (Is. 9:6 my devos lately) we have a hope that never fades! I know you have a perfect plan for Josh and I. Lord give us the strength to trust you and to keep serving You. Waiting for Your timing and Your will. Help us to be surrendered to You! Guard us Father and keep growing us! We need you every moment! Thankyou for the promise that you would not ever leave us! We trust and love you!

Children are a GIFT from God!

The very fact that anyone was ever conceived is a miracle! I had once always thought that conception was easy, I mean after all it happens ALL THE TIME! I mean if you are reading this, obviously it has happened (lol).

But after reading some books and reading online I have come to the conclusion that the very fact that we exist is a miracle!

And not just because of the awesome and wonder of conception, but also because of how many things are working against us from the very outset. I’m obviously not going to go into grave detail about this (you can do that for yourself) but I will say this much, a woman’s body resists conception, there are many problems that both the man and the woman may have, and couple all that with the fact that it has to take place at just a certain little window of time.

The very fact that any of us are here is a miracle! Not to mention all the complications that can happen in the pregnancy journey and birth itself! Puts a WHOLE new perspective on the truth that children are a GIFT from GOD huh?!

Thus I have come to this conclusion: every person born is born because GOD had it in HIS plan, for as much as we like to think that “we did it,” we did nothing really! Even in conception (just like evangelism) all we do is “plant and water.” Tis GOD who brings the increase (for both physical and spiritual birth!)

Little baby Farrell was a bit of a surprise to Josh and myself. Not planned by us but given to us from God! As many of you know from many of my previous notes I have struggled with the sin of an eating disorder since I was sixteen or so.

 Last summer (2012) it was really bad. I purposed in my heart to run from the Lord, to do my own thing.

Though I was serving Him at a Christian camp alongside strong and faithful Christians, my heart was FAR from Him! I remember people coming alongside of me and trying to help me. One of the things that I often heard from them was the warning that there was a possibility that I may never ever have children…and honestly that began to scare me.

Here I was looking forward to my wedding in just a few short months and weeks. My sister was already expecting Sophia, and now I faced the fear that possibly my sin was going to catch up to me in the worst way! I cried at times at night in the dark of my bunk, begging God to have mercy on me. All I feared though was the consequences, not the sin itself. Not yet, I wasn’t ready to surrender fully and for the right reasons.

But by the end of camp my Faithful God who never lets me go, kept pursuing me. I finally surrendered at Sr. High camp not even during a message but during the song service!

 It has been a slow go since then, with ups and downs, but I know God and He will never give up on me and He will give me the strength to keep changing.

When I returned from camp for my wedding I weighed about eighty six or eighty seven pounds. It was bad I know. I had to go to the “special doctor” to get things figured out. I honestly thought that I was going to be punished by the Lord with infertility…it’s what I deserved.

I remember that I started to pray (even several times a day) that God would one day (in His time) allow me to conceive and bear a child. I begged Him for His mercy and grace. I knew I didn’t deserve a child for what I had done, but I asked still.

Turns out in God’s wonderful and matchless mercy and grace He has given Josh and I a child. Not exactly in the timing we had thought, but how thankful we are to Him!

What a small picture of mercy and grace.

The BIG scope of things however, is that Christ died! WE don’t deserve to be saved, don’t deserve freedom from sin, to be called the children of God, to have access to His throne, to be cleansed, to have a “New Home”, to have Christ’s righteousness, to be freed from Satan’s power, to have the Holy Spirit…I think you get the idea…YET WE DO! 

PRAISE GOD for His mercy and grace and for His love that drives Him to that mercy and grace! WE have SO much that we do not deserve! Of all people we should be MOST JOYFUL! Choose JOY for Christ’s MERCY and GRACE!

Remember also that every life is a miracle and was planned by God, we may plant and water but HE brings the increase (both spiritually and physically) so let’s stop taking the credit that belongs to the Creator alone!

Puts a whole new perspective on the people that we have a hard time getting along with huh? EVERY PERSON is here for a reason, and survived conception and birth (though there were a TON of odds working against them) all because GOD ALLOWED THEM TO!

Be thankful for life, the abundant and joyful life God has given!

How God used becoming a mom in my life

You have probably heard this, but I have learned first hand what people mean by when they say that having a baby and raising a child Changes so many things! From our schedule, to our finances, to what we really care about anymore, to what we think about (I worry about her constantly…I mean I worry about things I never even knew existed!). It changes so much! Having child also has changed even what we do and or say. Things have changed so much since bringing home our little Miriam.

But among the changes some things unfortunately remain the same. One of those being my struggle with an eating disorder.

Here I was thinking “man I’ve pretty much got this thing!” I mean after all being pregnant and having a child changed things.

 I got better on the outside, but only because I had to! I changed outwardly for fear of losing her thru miscarriage (when I was pregnant) or now for fear of my milk supply going too far down or her not getting enough high calorie milk from me. Outwardly I put on weight; I didn’t run anymore (during pregnancy). I looked like I was doing-better.

 But God has showed me this past week that I am still struggling with this in my heart.

My devotions have been in Matthew lately, and God has been reminding me of the importance of honoring Him with my heart (inward man), not just my lips (outward man), He has been reminding me of the need to not just say “I’m going to change” or even have the outward actions of change (eating more, exercising less, for the sake of the Baby and my milk supply). But rather that my desires need to change as well!

God brought all this to a head this past Sunday morning.Josh preached on the passage of the Israelite's and Aaron building a calf worshiping it, whilst Moses was on the mount worshiping the One True God. What a stark contrast that is! And all of us are there! We are either on the mountaintop worshiping the One true God or we are wallowing in the valley worshiping a false god. I was convicted right there that I needed to let go of-my god…my eating disorder.

I begged God to change my passions, to ruin me for any other passion than a passion for Him alone.

Little did I know that God would challenge that very prayer!Be careful that you mean what you pray when you pray it! Weigh the cost and make sure you mean it, because chances are God will challenge your prayer and if you really meant it!

 Later that afternoon went for a run. I’ve been running for two weeks now, it has been six weeks since Miriam’s birth. I had some pain after her birth, but it subsided and thus I started running again. But Sunday suddenly that very same pain came back. I went to the doctor for my six week check the next day and she had no clue as to what my pain could be about.

Thus I was left with pain and no answers as to what or why.I have been forced to walk instead of run and even walking is painful and I start limping after a while. At first I was like “well it should go away-eventually.” I tried to stay positive. But as with all ladies my mind went to the worse case scenario…what if I can’t ever run again?!!!???! What if this is my new normal??

 I CANT HAVE THIS! But what if God said “You will have this Bethany!”I always wondered why God didn’t take away my god by paralyzing me so that I couldn't run or doing something to me that rendered me useless to running.Maybe He now has!

 I LOVE RUNNING A LOT!Running is not bad, it is a good exercise, a great stress reliever and a chance to enjoy God’s creation, both nature and also how He designed the body to be able to do such a thing: RUN! But this has become my god.

Thru this pain returning God has forced me to see and choose the more important things. He has showed me that being thin and fit is my god.Every “god” has commands. Things we must follow. In God’s case we really must follow those commands….in the case of our smaller case g gods we don’t have to actually follow those commands…we just tell ourselves that we have to. My god is staying fit and being thin, thus my gods commands are “you MUST run (or exercise someway somehow) EVERYDAY!”

I’m driven by that, and when I don’t fulfill that for any reason I feel as though I have sinned. But that is just a feeling! We have been reading a book in our ladies bible study at my church entitled “the lies women believe.” In this book the author explains that just because we “feel”something doesn’t make it true. We all know this….believe this…but I struggle living it! I feel something or don’t feel something and act on it. Sometimes we are required to do something or not do something even when we don’t “feel” like it! Our feelings do not actually always follow the truth! Sometimes we have to do the truth going against out feelings and perhaps later on our feelings will eventually align to the truth…but even if they never do, we still are required to follow the truth no matter how we feel.

This is what Im having to do. I feel like I MUST run…I feel like if this pain lasts forever and I never am able to run again I will FALL APART. That is ridiculous and selfish and prideful, that’s where I am at emotionally! But the truth is what Im choosing to go with!

I don’t have to run! If I GET to run than I thank God! If Idon’t, I still thank God and trust Him. If this pain does not ever go away, I STILL THANK GOD! I still trust Him, and walk in obedience and change. Do I feel these things?  Nope my feelings are screaming something totally different…but I am striving not to listen!

Yesterday, I was allowing my feelings to get the better of me…and I was ranting to Josh. Saying I don’t know what I will do if I never run again. Josh turned to me and said, well you have Miriam. What would you have,running or Miriam?. That stopped me! Emotionally it didn’t stop me…emotionally I was like “I want to run!” But the truth of that question, the truth of what really is more important, was what stopped me.

 Martha and Mary had two very different choices. Martha chose the temporary, Mary the eternal. And Christ said Mary had chosen the greater part. Daily I ask that God show me what my “better part” is for the day. I pray that and sometimes totally miss my“better part.” But God used Josh that day that I was ranting to help me to seethe better part.

Running is good, it does profit for this earth, but Spiritual things profit so much the more and that for here on earth and Eternity! Some say that our children will be our greatest disciples. Thus that would be a spiritual thing that I need to work on. When I get to heaven God isn't going to be concerned with if I ran everyday and stayed fit and thin, He will care though how I raised my little girl and if I discipled her towards Himself. My “better part” is NOT running, it is RAISING this little arrow He gave to me so that she can later be used of Him!

Having Miriam is a gift beyond compare! I may never run again because I bore a sweet little girl, but that is okay, because my life isn't about me! It IS about Him! His will was that I bear Marybeth, and that might come at the cost of my running self, but that is what HE WANTED!

Again I say having a child CHANGES many things, but GOD CHANGES EVERYTHING! Sure I should change in my eating disorder for Miriam, but I must change for GOD!

I do not want what Jesus said of the Pharisees to be true of me:

“Hypocrites! Isaiah prophesied correctly of you when he said‘this people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me, and they worship me in vain, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.”Matthew 15:7-9

 It is NO coincidence that God had me in this very passage for devotions the morning following Josh's preaching on the golden calf. I cannot teach Miriam that running is more important than God by the way I live my life. I cannot teach her that the doctrine of  needing to run everyday is a command to be followed. I also cannot just honor God with my lips, I cant just pray and say and ask that I will change, I actually have to step forward(forsaking feeling) and CHANGE!

You think God is trying to drive something home with me? I know HE IS! He wants-me totally devoted to Him, forsaking all else. It is high time for me to surrender once again. I have a feeling that perhaps this will be a lifelong struggle. This cant be a one time thing, it is a constant moment to moment surrender!

 Sure I surrendered from this sin many times (at camp, at home, at church…the list goes on). But it has to be a daily thing! Christ knew the truth in this being a daily thing when He said that we must DAILY take up our cross, deny ourselves and choose to follow God! He created us, so of course HE KNOWS us better than we know ourselves.He knows it has to be daily! So may I keep surrendering. May I live my life so that I point Marybeth away from this sin that I never want her to fall into,may I point her to Christ the One Who sets us free!

"Lord put someone in my backseat!"

I LOVE to ride in the car! I love to just sit and listen to music and look at all the beauty of God’s creation as we pass by it at 60 to 75 miles per hour.

Many have commented on how quiet I get when I’m buckled into a car seat and riding along. I don’t talk much anyways, but when put me into a vehicle as a passenger and I am completely silent, especially on long trips! Perhaps this is because on trips growing up mom and dad asked us to stay quiet, and thus car trips were my time to contemplate and think and enjoy the silence (as that is a hard thing to come by with 5 siblings! LOL).

But whatever the reason, it is something I do when in a car. Now for those of you that know my husband, you can just imagine what he does in the car right??!!! YEP TALK! And talk…and talk….and talk! So it is quite a balancing act for us. I am quiet and contemplating things in my mind, while he can’t stand silence and feels the need to fill the void (music doesn’t quite cut it for him). But we do manage, so before you call the “marriage counseling hotline number” on us, I will assure you that it is a good thing and we both have learned to give and take. Just like most things in marriage J.

All that to say, since Rachel was born I have taken to the back seat. Both literally and figuratively speaking lol.

In a literal sense I sit in the back now, that way if I need to feed Rachel when we are on the road I can do so without having to pull over so I can get to the back. So I’ve taken a “backseat.” And from back there I can see where Josh’s blind sides don’t allow him to see. When he goes to get on the interstate, I can help him because I can spot that big black ford pickup that is coming up on the left so fast, and warn him to slow down. I can see things he may not. I can cover his blindsides for him, and often times he will ask me to do so. And sometimes he doesn’t and I do it anyways.

Now, remember how I said that I took a backseat both literally and figuratively?  Well figuratively speaking I took a back seat in parenting Miriam. Sure I got after her, but it was kind of rare for me to do so. When she would throw fits I just let her. Because I was too lazy sometimes, and sometimes I just didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of spanking her and putting her in a time out because that would turn into a spanking session! Where she would get down out of time out and I would have to spank her. And that would repeat itself over and over. Who wants to spend your day…your precious time with your child, getting after them? No I would much rather live on plateaus of candy and clouds and hugs and kisses. But parenting isn’t like that is it?

I used to run a tight ship! Ask my three youngest siblings. Growing up, being the second eldest of 6 kids, I babysat the younger ones often! Mom would leave and go to town and left us three older kids in charge of the younger kids.

We were all best friends growing up, don’t get me wrong, but we did often get into spats.

When mom and dad would leave, I would sit all three of the younger kids on the couch and run through what we needed to get done (chores) and what I expected of them (behavior wise). If they deviated from my expectations I let them know what they would miss out on (lunch or supper watching a movie was our favorite thing to do. So if they didn’t live up to it we wouldn’t do that. Or perhaps it was a nice day. I would say that we were going on a walk later to the library or maybe to the river. But if they acted up or didn’t do what I asked they wouldn’t get whatever special treat I had planned for that day.)

Tight ship ,I know. And I was only a teenager then! My elder sister and younger brother were also in charge of the three younger. But for some reason the three younger always respected me more growing up. Now we all respect one another on mutual and equal grounds. But when we were younger it wasn’t so. They all respected me more. They obeyed me when mom was gone, better than they obeyed my other sister and brother.

One time I remember asking the three of them why this was. Their reply was that they respected me. I was harder on them then all get out, but they respected me and loved me for it! I told them what I expected of them and carried it out.

Many would comment all my growing up years that I was going to have a ship shape household when I finally married and had kids…but for some reason I found this to be the exact opposite!

There is a HUGE difference between keeping track of your siblings and raising your own child. I could care less of what my siblings thought of me, just so long as they obeyed and did what I asked of them. However, with my own child things were different. I let Josh be the hard one. He established his authority with our stubborn strongwilled and energetic child, while I let her walk  all over me.

Why? Perhaps it is because I wanted her to love me, perhaps it is because I was lazy at times. Perhaps it is because I loved hugs from her and the only time she would really let me hug her is when she was in trouble with dad (she is always too busy to cuddle).

Most likely it is all the above. SELFISH reasons…SELFISH focus!

But recently, God has used some people in my life to open my eyes to this blindside of mine. He put three people in the backseat for me (so to speak). And all three spoke up in a very kind and gracious way, that I needed to step up to the plate with my strong willed child. I needed to establish my God given authority and show Miriam what I expect of her. All three of these people came at different times, and in different approaches. But God used them, whether they know it or not, to open my eyes to a blind spot in my life.

And how wonderful the change has been! I used to go through a day not getting after Miriam at all. But it wasn’t because I didn’t need to, it was because I had chosen not to.  But I can’t do that anymore. If I do she will never listen to me and she will not learn basic things (like how throwing a fit is never okay. And how you have to do what is expected of you and if you do not there are consequences to that). And our relationship is so much better!

In parenting it is SO easy to see other’s blind spots. You know, the places where they are letting their kids get away with stuff they shouldn’t. But Ive found in my own life it is impossible to see those blind spots without the assistance of another. Sometimes it is a fellow mother who is in the trenches with you. Other times it is your husband. Other times it may be a mother who has graduated from the trenches of motherhood to the cloud of grandmahood. Whatever the case we ALL need people in our back seat!

And I am NOT just speaking to mothers here. We all need people around us to help us see the blind spots in our lives, both physically and spiritually!

Why do you think God so stressed the importance of a BODY of MANY members? Because He knows we need people in our back seat! We need people to love us enough to speak truth to us, even be it hard truths that we need to admit!

So perhaps there is someone in your life right now who you need to ask to come along side you and sit in your back seat for you. Someone to help you see those blind spots. Or perhaps you see a blind spot in the life of another. And you need to in love and truth go help that fellow worker out. Do what God lays on your heart. Don’t hesitate another day. We must redeem the time for the days are evil.

The peace of God

Peace….we all want it. We want it for the world, we want peace to reign and wars to end. We want it for the government. We want political peace and for all to fit together correctly and run smoothly.

We want it in our churches. We want the gossip tongue to be silenced and unity to reign. We want it in our schools. We want bullying to cease and kids to just get along. We want it in our homes. We want there to be peace between husbands and wives and children.

We all want peace.

When you look up “peace” in the dictionary there are several definitions:

Full Definition of peace

1:  a state of tranquility or quiet: freedom from civil disturbance :  a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom a breach of the peace>

2:  freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

3:  harmony in personal relations

4 :  a state or period of mutual concord between government :  a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity

5—used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell

If I asked you which one you have experienced, which ones would you be able to say you have experienced? I hope you wouldn’t answer that you have experienced the first one…for if you think you have you are quite mistaken. That kind of peace will not occur until the rightful King sits on the throne of David as Lord over all the earth (Jesus Christ).

I have always loved these verses:

 “ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

“ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:7

But what kind of “peace” are these verses talking of? Obviously, it is not speaking of neither #1 or #4 or #5 of the definitions of “peace” that I’ve copied above. However, it is speaking of peace in relationships with others and also peace from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions (numbers 2 and 3).

I have experienced both of these. But not as a result of myself, but as a result of God Himself!

The birth pangs started at 12am. I did my best to still try and sleep through them, thinking that this wasn’t “it” because I had a lot of contractions everyday leading up to this day.

But then again these pains did seem more strong. I am not one to let on about pain…it was also a Sunday morning, and with Josh being a Pastor, since I wasn’t absolutely sure that this was “it” I didn’t want to interrupt his sleep as he would have to preach later that day. So I just kept moaning every once in a while as loud as I could… to see if he would suggest we go to the hospital. If I say it that we need to go and I am not in labor then I just wasted precious Sunday morning time…however if Josh says we should go in and I end up being sent home, at least I wouldn’t fell guilty because it was Josh who said we should go lol. There is your little peek into my brain and how my mind works lol I know, not pretty… and I know, I’m ridiculous…my moms already told me lol.

Anyways finally, at 4am after like a zillion moans and no recognition from my deep in sleep hubby, I hopped up out of bed. That is when my water broke. FINALLY my “it is time” sign came and there was NO questioning it! I was indeed in labor! I had prayed throughout the pregnancy that my water would just break, because then I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was in labor. I always start my contractions early on in my pregnancies and I have a high tolerance of pain so it is hard for me to know if I am in labor. I didn’t want to have the baby on the road and I definitely did not want to go into the hospital only for them to send me home.

Upon my water breaking I tell Josh and we go into “flurry” mode to get to the hospital.

Once we got there, we were there only 18 minutes and Rachel came forth! CRAZY!

She was seemingly healthy. I took a shower and got back into bed to feed her. Josh came and kissed us goodbye and left to go preach. When he left she was fine, when he returned things had changed drastically!

I shouldve suspected something though. Because when I fed her the first time, she started turning blue (or “dusky” as the nurses referred to it) and the nurse took her from me and hit her back until she turned aright.

When I went to feed her a second time, she began to turn blue again and so I took her off and watched her breathing. It seemed odd to me. So I pushed my call button for the nurse. She came in and took one look at my little lamb and took her from me and left the room.

I remember sitting there in bed, thinking “now what.” The nurse had told me she was going to take Rachel to the nursery, but she hadn’t told me if I could come…or what I was supposed to do. I texted my mom to let her know what was going on. She called me and told me I needed to go find my little girl and stay by her side.

Scared, because normally a paitent just doesn’t go wandering about the hospital, I was afraid I would get in trouble or something. So I called the nurse again and asked if I could go be with my child. This was a new nurse, not the one who took Rachel. She kind of acted annoyed that I would ask to do such a thing at first, but to my surprise she had me follow her to where Rachel was. By this time they had the oxygen tubes in her nose. The nurse that originally took Rachel from me explained to me what was going on and that she thought they might have to send Rachel to a NICU in either Omaha or Des Moines.

My heart skipped a beat. I was like “say what??!!” You see when Miriam was born at 36 weeks they had the NICU on call just in case she would need it, like they were almost certain she would need it…but she never did. So I just assumed that since Rachel was 37 weeks she would not need NICU.

How could this be? They’ve got to be wrong.

They gave me a chair to sit in, and I watched as they began to do some blood draws and to put in an IV. I could hear them commenting on how Rachel wasn’t crying. As I heard them say that, on my right another baby had been brought in. She was in the process of being discharged. They did some things to her: temperature check, and blood sugar etc.  She was wailing like there was no tomorrow, and yet my child was being poked with needles and getting an IV in, and wasn’t even whining. Silence. As I watched this little girl baby who I didn’t even know, cry, I knew in my mind then that something wasn’t right with my little one. Here this baby was crying at a temperature check and yet mine didn’t cry at an IV being installed into her arm. And since her veins kept rolling they had to poke her a million times it seemed…yet no cries. I knew it wasn’t because she was tough….it was because she didn’t have the breath support to do so!

I knew then it wasn’t good. I knew we would most likely get sent to the NICU.

They had said it could be something as simple as her swallowing amniotic fluid. If that was so all it would need to do is pass through her system and she would breathe better and we could go home. However, since they didn’t have my results from the strep B test, it could be that she had an infection. The first sign of infection in a newborn is difficulty breathing. This is what they told me.

As I sat in that chair, still reeling from the birth and now dealing with the after birth pains, my mind began to reel. Like what if she is sick and what if we lose her? We had no guarantees. What would happen…and what in the world was God doing?

I mean first He takes a child from me (miscarriage) and then He gives me a “rainbow baby” (Baby that Is born after a miscarriage) and now He might take that rainbow baby away…WHY?

But I couldn’t live by feeling, Im called to live by faith. So I prayed…I prayed while they finished up her tests…I prayed when the ambulance arrived and they stuffed her inside the incubator with all these machines. I prayed in the ambulance on the way to Des Moines. And I prayed through out the night.

They hooked her up to a bunch of machines. I wasn’t able to hold her, or feed her. I’m so glad the ambulance techs let me kiss her before they loaded her into the incubator, because I wouldn’t hold her again till almost 24 hours later!

That night she woke up almost every three hours to eat…and I couldn’t feed her. It was heart breaking, because all I could do was stick her paci in and hope that this would calm her. I knew she was hungry…but there wasn’t anything I could do to comfort her!

In reality I should have been a complete wreak, but I wasn’t. I remember having this peace come over me. I couldn’t explain it to you (“Surpasses all understanding”…you cannot comprehend). SO many people were praying…my church family…my dads church family and joshs dads church as well.

And God answered! Because of God’s provision I had “freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions.”

His peace guarded me! And maybe you need to be guarded. Maybe you have disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. Maybe you are going through a hard thing. If so, may I encourage you to seek the face of God! Seek for His peace. Ask Him for it! He will give it to you!

Small Victories

“It’s all in your head Bethany” I kept telling myself this over and over as my feet pounded the brick pavement of the quaint streets of Adel Iowa. I was running my very first 5k. It was my goal just to complete the run without stopping, but long about mile 2 ½ I began to cramp up. I had tried to regulate my breathing so that this wouldn’t happen, but I wasn’t used to running a 5k. Sure I run at least 2 miles everyday, but my body wasn’t conditioned to running 3! As I rounded a corner I saw my dad, he smiled at me and cheered me on. I knew I had to just keep running, I had to push through the cramps and just go. So I did! I kept running in spite of the cramps and I made it to the finish line without stopping! And not only that I won 1^st place in women’s for my age category!

That was the summer before I got married. Earlier in that summer I was working at a camp as a cook. Somehow the subject of my upcoming 5k came up and another cook who had been in track during high school, gave me a great piece of running advice I’ll never forget. She told me that your run is all in your head. If you think you can’t make it another mile or even another stride, you won’t! However if you tell yourself you will make it, you will! As much as running is a physical sport it is also very much so a mental one as well. It is that simple! That piece of advice helped me finish that 5k! I just told myself I could do it, and I did. I knew that if I allowed myself to think “I can’t do this” I knew I wouldn’t finish.

That advice is not only true on a physical run, but also a spiritual one as well!! Just like if you think you can’t make it on a physical run you won’t…in the same way if you think you won’t make it in an area of your spiritual life you won’t! I’ve discovered this first hand!

There I sat in the dean of Women’s office at Faith. Normally, going to the “Dean’s”  office at college is a bad thing, but for me it was a joy. I wasn’t there because I had to be, I was there because I wanted to be! I loved coming to talk to Mrs. Gutwein.  She had stopped in my room to help my sister with her Spring Banquet dress when I was a freshmen. We started talking about what God had been teaching me. After that she would ask me to come and visit her, and so I did! And it was always such a blessing and so uplifting, but also challenging.  For when you meet with Mrs. Gutwein, she not only asks how you’re doing spiritually she challenges you to take it a step further. She doesn’t just like to hear what your doing now but she challenges you to do more!

I usually met with her once or twice every semester in college, just to chat and talk about spiritual things.

One of those times, I decided to tell her about my real struggle…my “mount Everest.”

I told her about my sin of an eating disorder. I honestly wanted to get more help. Oh sure my mom had given me plenty of advice about how to conquer it. And not only that, I had also sought advice from Josh (who was at that time my Fiance). And I also sought advice from my spiritual mentor, Lynnae, as well. But they all kept telling me the same things: Eat more…run less.” I didn’t think that would work…I wanted to hear something different. So there I was sitting in that office, confessing my dark sin to the Dean of Women. Her reply, you wonder? Was “Eat more, run less.”

And I was like “ugh! You have got to be kidding me!” (In my head of course).

That day I remember telling her that I thought I would always struggle with this sin. That I would never overcome. And I truly believed that! I truly believed I wouldn’t overcome.

My mind…my actions were so steeped and drenched in the eating disorder that I thought I could never think right or make right choices with eating. I felt consumed and overwhelmed by this ugly sin. It controlled me in so many ways!

I truly believed I would never overcome…but that was before my wake up call.

You’ve been there. Sound asleep, deep in a dream when suddenly “BEEP BEEP BEEP” your alarm goes off…Or if you are like me currently: “WAAAH  WAAH!” That little newborn begins to cry, reminding you that their lil body needs some nourishment!

Or perhaps you have had the unpleasant experience of cold water poured onto you, to waken you. Or perhaps the creaking of cupboard doors, or feet pattering across the floor or a loud clap of thunder has bolted you awake. There are countless “wake up calls”, and no matter the cause, it always gives the same outcome: you wake up!

I was very sick, but in spite of that I still had this joy inside me, because I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test! My heart was overfilled with joy. The nausea had set in, adding to my already sick self, but I didn’t care because it meant that a little one was growing inside me. The very thing I had prayed and prayed for to happen, had finally happened; I was pregnant!

But that joy didn’t last long. I can remember the sinking feeling I go when the bleeding started. But I easily pushed that aside with the hope that perhaps my little one would still make it. I pushed the “snooze” button on my “wake up call.”  It was only when the doctor told me that I had been pregnant but had miscarried that it finally sunk it. I couldn’t ignore the alarm anymore. No more pushing “snooze”…I knew there was no hope. I had lost the babe and now I didn’t even know if I would ever get pregnant again.

This was my wake up call. I knew it was time to change. I had to stop living for myself…I had to stop allowing myself to think that I would never make it anywhere with my eating disorder. It was time to face the truth and allow that truth to set me free. It was time to take the advice of all my Spiritual mentors. It was time to change.

God used my miscarriage to wake me up and today I am more free from my eating disorder than I have ever been!

In a war, it is the battles that win it. In other words, one has to win the battles to win the war. You have to have the small victories to gain the overall victory. It is much the same in Spiritual warfare as well!

All the time leading up to my miscarriage, I had been doing two very detrimental things when it comes to my eating disorder…my dark sin. I had first off been telling myself I would never make it. I would never be freed from it. This kept me from even trying and much like when you tell yourself that on a run, it stopped me from going another stride.

The second thing I did was to believe that I had to win the overall war. I had to conquer the whole thing at one time. But truth be told, just like it doesn’t work that way in real wars, it doesn’t in spiritual ones either. You have to win the little battles, you have to have the small victories to gain the big ones!

Once I realized these two things I began to really fight…to really run!

I started having the small victories. Instead of only eating oatmeal at lunch I started eating an actual “normal” meals at lunch. Instead of eating as little as possible and leaving the table still hungry, I started eating till I was satisfied.

Instead of eating only one slice of pizza, I ate 2 or 3. Instead of running everyday, and freaking out when I couldn’t, I quit running on Sundays and I don’t sweat it if I don’t run for a day or two because of this or that (although this sometimes still is a struggle because I LOVE running lol). Instead of freaking out when the scale reads over 110, I choose to be okay with that, realizing it isn’t about a number, it is about glorifying God in the body He gave me and not making my body about me “And whatsoever you do, whether you EAT or drink, DO ALL to the GLORY of God.”

Instead of making runs a must, I see them as a gift. Each day I get to run is a grace gift from God. I run to maintain not to lose all.

These all may seem like small things to you. But to me they are little victories! The above are things I  NEVER did or thought when totally controlled by my eating disorder. You would never catch me being able to do or think like that. But by God’s grace I’m not who I used to be. I can do those things (and more). I can see my weight…my runs…my food with an all new perspective. The truth has set me free!

God also brought along some accountability. I needed outside accountability, and He brought me just that in the form of a fellow Pastor’s wife. She touched base with me and checked in on me. I could tell her when I was really struggling and she was always praying for me. Accountability is HUGE in overcoming sin, especially deep set lifestyle sins!

And the beauty of this whole thing, is that my worst fear (that I will return to my eating disorder…that I will fall back to where I was and lose all this progress) does depend on me but also does’nt! For it is God Who keeps me steadfast. Of my own accord, yeah I will start to lose these small victories again…but that is the beauty because it is God Who keeps me steadfast, not me: Ps. 51:12 “Restore to me the joy of Your Salvation, and UPHOLD me by YOUR generous Spirit.” It is God who will uphold me, Who will keep me on track. I can’t go it alone. Everyday I acknowledge this to God, and I beg Him to keep me steadfast. To keep me on the straight and narrow especially when it comes to my eating disorder.

PS. 46:1

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” I used to think of this verse in the context of the big troubles of life. Like God is my refuge when:

When we are homeless and live at church for 3 months

I lose my grandpa

I lose a child to miscarriage

My brand new baby is sent to the NICU with breathing problems

“God is our refuge and strength a very PRESENT (right there with me) help in trouble.” But the truth is, we are ALWAYS in trouble! We live in a fallen world, with a fallen body and fellow other fallen bodies…we live under a curse. WE ARE ALWAYS IN TROUBLE, WE ALWAYS NEED HIM!

It is very specific on how present He is with us (the word “very”), but not specific about the “troubles”…because for one we all face different troubles, no two are alike…but also because we are always in trouble. And since this is true, we should always be relying on Him! In the seemingly good times and in the bad times also. Two truths from this verse :God is always present and we are always in trouble!

So no matter if you are in a seemingly good time or bad, remember God is present with you and He will help you out of your troubles, be they big or small.

But maybe you are like me. Maybe you have a sin you just can’t seem to shake. May I encourage you to start by identifying the small victories you need to start winning and tackle them!  And get on your knees everyday, tell God you need Him…He will rise up to help you! He always does!

1 John 4:4 “You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He Who is in you is GREATER than he who is in the world!”

Let God fight for you!