Small Victories

“It’s all in your head Bethany” I kept telling myself this over and over as my feet pounded the brick pavement of the quaint streets of Adel Iowa. I was running my very first 5k. It was my goal just to complete the run without stopping, but long about mile 2 ½ I began to cramp up. I had tried to regulate my breathing so that this wouldn’t happen, but I wasn’t used to running a 5k. Sure I run at least 2 miles everyday, but my body wasn’t conditioned to running 3! As I rounded a corner I saw my dad, he smiled at me and cheered me on. I knew I had to just keep running, I had to push through the cramps and just go. So I did! I kept running in spite of the cramps and I made it to the finish line without stopping! And not only that I won 1^st place in women’s for my age category!

That was the summer before I got married. Earlier in that summer I was working at a camp as a cook. Somehow the subject of my upcoming 5k came up and another cook who had been in track during high school, gave me a great piece of running advice I’ll never forget. She told me that your run is all in your head. If you think you can’t make it another mile or even another stride, you won’t! However if you tell yourself you will make it, you will! As much as running is a physical sport it is also very much so a mental one as well. It is that simple! That piece of advice helped me finish that 5k! I just told myself I could do it, and I did. I knew that if I allowed myself to think “I can’t do this” I knew I wouldn’t finish.

That advice is not only true on a physical run, but also a spiritual one as well!! Just like if you think you can’t make it on a physical run you won’t…in the same way if you think you won’t make it in an area of your spiritual life you won’t! I’ve discovered this first hand!

There I sat in the dean of Women’s office at Faith. Normally, going to the “Dean’s”  office at college is a bad thing, but for me it was a joy. I wasn’t there because I had to be, I was there because I wanted to be! I loved coming to talk to Mrs. Gutwein.  She had stopped in my room to help my sister with her Spring Banquet dress when I was a freshmen. We started talking about what God had been teaching me. After that she would ask me to come and visit her, and so I did! And it was always such a blessing and so uplifting, but also challenging.  For when you meet with Mrs. Gutwein, she not only asks how you’re doing spiritually she challenges you to take it a step further. She doesn’t just like to hear what your doing now but she challenges you to do more!

I usually met with her once or twice every semester in college, just to chat and talk about spiritual things.

One of those times, I decided to tell her about my real struggle…my “mount Everest.”

I told her about my sin of an eating disorder. I honestly wanted to get more help. Oh sure my mom had given me plenty of advice about how to conquer it. And not only that, I had also sought advice from Josh (who was at that time my Fiance). And I also sought advice from my spiritual mentor, Lynnae, as well. But they all kept telling me the same things: Eat more…run less.” I didn’t think that would work…I wanted to hear something different. So there I was sitting in that office, confessing my dark sin to the Dean of Women. Her reply, you wonder? Was “Eat more, run less.”

And I was like “ugh! You have got to be kidding me!” (In my head of course).

That day I remember telling her that I thought I would always struggle with this sin. That I would never overcome. And I truly believed that! I truly believed I wouldn’t overcome.

My mind…my actions were so steeped and drenched in the eating disorder that I thought I could never think right or make right choices with eating. I felt consumed and overwhelmed by this ugly sin. It controlled me in so many ways!

I truly believed I would never overcome…but that was before my wake up call.

You’ve been there. Sound asleep, deep in a dream when suddenly “BEEP BEEP BEEP” your alarm goes off…Or if you are like me currently: “WAAAH  WAAH!” That little newborn begins to cry, reminding you that their lil body needs some nourishment!

Or perhaps you have had the unpleasant experience of cold water poured onto you, to waken you. Or perhaps the creaking of cupboard doors, or feet pattering across the floor or a loud clap of thunder has bolted you awake. There are countless “wake up calls”, and no matter the cause, it always gives the same outcome: you wake up!

I was very sick, but in spite of that I still had this joy inside me, because I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test! My heart was overfilled with joy. The nausea had set in, adding to my already sick self, but I didn’t care because it meant that a little one was growing inside me. The very thing I had prayed and prayed for to happen, had finally happened; I was pregnant!

But that joy didn’t last long. I can remember the sinking feeling I go when the bleeding started. But I easily pushed that aside with the hope that perhaps my little one would still make it. I pushed the “snooze” button on my “wake up call.”  It was only when the doctor told me that I had been pregnant but had miscarried that it finally sunk it. I couldn’t ignore the alarm anymore. No more pushing “snooze”…I knew there was no hope. I had lost the babe and now I didn’t even know if I would ever get pregnant again.

This was my wake up call. I knew it was time to change. I had to stop living for myself…I had to stop allowing myself to think that I would never make it anywhere with my eating disorder. It was time to face the truth and allow that truth to set me free. It was time to take the advice of all my Spiritual mentors. It was time to change.

God used my miscarriage to wake me up and today I am more free from my eating disorder than I have ever been!

In a war, it is the battles that win it. In other words, one has to win the battles to win the war. You have to have the small victories to gain the overall victory. It is much the same in Spiritual warfare as well!

All the time leading up to my miscarriage, I had been doing two very detrimental things when it comes to my eating disorder…my dark sin. I had first off been telling myself I would never make it. I would never be freed from it. This kept me from even trying and much like when you tell yourself that on a run, it stopped me from going another stride.

The second thing I did was to believe that I had to win the overall war. I had to conquer the whole thing at one time. But truth be told, just like it doesn’t work that way in real wars, it doesn’t in spiritual ones either. You have to win the little battles, you have to have the small victories to gain the big ones!

Once I realized these two things I began to really fight…to really run!

I started having the small victories. Instead of only eating oatmeal at lunch I started eating an actual “normal” meals at lunch. Instead of eating as little as possible and leaving the table still hungry, I started eating till I was satisfied.

Instead of eating only one slice of pizza, I ate 2 or 3. Instead of running everyday, and freaking out when I couldn’t, I quit running on Sundays and I don’t sweat it if I don’t run for a day or two because of this or that (although this sometimes still is a struggle because I LOVE running lol). Instead of freaking out when the scale reads over 110, I choose to be okay with that, realizing it isn’t about a number, it is about glorifying God in the body He gave me and not making my body about me “And whatsoever you do, whether you EAT or drink, DO ALL to the GLORY of God.”

Instead of making runs a must, I see them as a gift. Each day I get to run is a grace gift from God. I run to maintain not to lose all.

These all may seem like small things to you. But to me they are little victories! The above are things I  NEVER did or thought when totally controlled by my eating disorder. You would never catch me being able to do or think like that. But by God’s grace I’m not who I used to be. I can do those things (and more). I can see my weight…my runs…my food with an all new perspective. The truth has set me free!

God also brought along some accountability. I needed outside accountability, and He brought me just that in the form of a fellow Pastor’s wife. She touched base with me and checked in on me. I could tell her when I was really struggling and she was always praying for me. Accountability is HUGE in overcoming sin, especially deep set lifestyle sins!

And the beauty of this whole thing, is that my worst fear (that I will return to my eating disorder…that I will fall back to where I was and lose all this progress) does depend on me but also does’nt! For it is God Who keeps me steadfast. Of my own accord, yeah I will start to lose these small victories again…but that is the beauty because it is God Who keeps me steadfast, not me: Ps. 51:12 “Restore to me the joy of Your Salvation, and UPHOLD me by YOUR generous Spirit.” It is God who will uphold me, Who will keep me on track. I can’t go it alone. Everyday I acknowledge this to God, and I beg Him to keep me steadfast. To keep me on the straight and narrow especially when it comes to my eating disorder.

PS. 46:1

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” I used to think of this verse in the context of the big troubles of life. Like God is my refuge when:

When we are homeless and live at church for 3 months

I lose my grandpa

I lose a child to miscarriage

My brand new baby is sent to the NICU with breathing problems

“God is our refuge and strength a very PRESENT (right there with me) help in trouble.” But the truth is, we are ALWAYS in trouble! We live in a fallen world, with a fallen body and fellow other fallen bodies…we live under a curse. WE ARE ALWAYS IN TROUBLE, WE ALWAYS NEED HIM!

It is very specific on how present He is with us (the word “very”), but not specific about the “troubles”…because for one we all face different troubles, no two are alike…but also because we are always in trouble. And since this is true, we should always be relying on Him! In the seemingly good times and in the bad times also. Two truths from this verse :God is always present and we are always in trouble!

So no matter if you are in a seemingly good time or bad, remember God is present with you and He will help you out of your troubles, be they big or small.

But maybe you are like me. Maybe you have a sin you just can’t seem to shake. May I encourage you to start by identifying the small victories you need to start winning and tackle them!  And get on your knees everyday, tell God you need Him…He will rise up to help you! He always does!

1 John 4:4 “You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He Who is in you is GREATER than he who is in the world!”

Let God fight for you!