I Don't Have to See

Ever felt like God might be angry with you? Ever felt slapped by God? 
Me neither…. until recently.

It was a Friday night and we were going to Texas Roadhouse with some friends from church, all was right in the world (I mean we were AT TEXAS ROADHOUSE! Lol). That night both couples that we went out with announced they were pregnant. I sat there; trying to swallow my food past the lump in my throat that I’m shamed to even say was there. I was happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but mixed in was a deep set ache in my own heart. I should be only happy for these two ladies now expecting their first. But instead my heart was sinking. A great hole was torn in it and it was taking on water.  I desperately tried to bale out the water and keep it from completely taking me under...I couldn’t lose it right there in front of them...no I need to be only happy. So I painted a smile as best I could and congratulated them. 

When we got to the car I still kept it all in check as best I could. But then it came, the news that a close friend of mine was now expecting as well. My heart was going under now, no hopes of bailing would ever keep it afloat.

I can hardly believe I am writing this, but I was seething that night....angry! At who you may ask....God.

*Gasp*... Did I just write that (peeking out from under my hands). Yes, I was angry at God. For gifts He sent to others? How dare I!  

To be honest, that night I completely lost it! I said not a word to Josh the entire hour it took to get home. When we arrived home I bedded down my precious Miriam and then shut myself in the guestroom.

There, alone with God the tears came forth in torrents! I grabbed pillows and squeezed them and screamed. I would’ve prolly been louder by my dear baby was sleeping right next door. 

I cried that night harder than I ever had! My mom and sister kept trying to call…I ignored them. I was confused, how could the God I have loved and am learning to know, do something like this to me?  He knows I had been praying for another child since Miriam was 6 months old (I am crazy… I know).  He listened everyday as I prayed  every single time I fed Miriam solid food (which was 3 times a day) plus any other time I thought if it...which was alot.

 I do this and with no real answer and now 6 months later, in one night alone 3 people, one of which being my best friend, announce they are expecting...it honestly felt like God slapped me in the face 3 times! How could the God I’ve known do this to me? This just didn’t seem like Him at all!

For some reason when I bring up my eating disorder people freeze, they are not sure what to say…do…or even think. Perhaps it is due to it being a “Taboo” thing, perhaps people just don’t really know that much about it…who knows. At any rate they do. I have struggled and struggled and STRUGGLED with this sin, since I was 16 or so. However, there have been a couple of times in my life when I nearly was ore come by it. One being when I was 18 years old…the other time was the summer of 2012 just before I was married. Both times I had planned to rebel against God, I had planned to lose a ton of weight. Both times God used people (often just passing comments from people that ended up adding up in the end)…His Word to get my attention. He just won’t let me go! How thankful I am that He doesn’t!

After having a child, it changes one’s body COMPLETELY! I weighed out at 145 when I was at my biggest in my pregnancy! That is a lot of weight for me! So of course I planned to lose weight…so I did. At first it was fine, pounds here and there. Nothing crazy at all, but God knows my heart! He saw that it was starting to get to my heart again…He saw me begin to erect the idols again in my heart. People around me probably didn’t even see a problem…He did though, and that is all that matters!

I tell you this because back there…in the bedroom scene…me screaming…crying…angry with God…there God broke me! He gently showed me what I was beginning to do in my heart. I could hear His voice clearly that night “Bethany, I know your plans…I can see what you are doing, DON”T! Stop this here and now, before it takes you completely!”

So I surrendered there in that guestroom once again…like I did when I was 18…like I did when I was 22 at camp serving as a cook. I purposed to eat better, purposed to quit letting thoughts of calories…weight…exercise.. run my thoughts, and just turn my focus to Him.

To many of you, this seems SO small! Like a little mole or ant hill….but for me this is MT. EVEREST! It is a mountain I’ve climbed and climbed! Reached the top only to slide back down, scraping my knees all the way. But each time God brought to my attention my backsliding and gave me courage…hope…and strength to keep at it, to keep climbing! I give up time and again but HE NEVER DOES! AMEN???!!

So you might be thinking “that is awesome Bethany! Im so glad God revealed that to you and got a hold of you again.” Or maybe you are like “Seriously, again?? She struggles with this still??”….Either way you are either like this story is nice or annoying. Wish it ended here, but it doesn’t!

After crying, confessing and asking God’s forgiveness I went back to my own room. The next day I started to implement the changes. Eating more, focusing on Christ.  I knew I couldn’t just change as a way to try to manipulate God (which you can’t actually manipulate God into ANYTHING that is why I wrote TRY there) into giving me a child. I knew I had to change because I needed it. I also knew that I needed to be content with the child God has already given me. I needed to ask Him to do His will, not mine. So I kept going. It was an up and down thing, for both the eating disorder and contentment. Sometimes I was fine, other times not so much.

A week later, I started to have some symptoms of pregnancy, my heart soared! So I took a test and got a very faint positive. Slightly excited, yet a little skeptical a couple days later I took another, it was still faintly positive, but it was getting more prominent! I WAS ESTATIC! YAY! I so wish and ache to be able to say that my story, this story ended here, but it doesn’t.  The week I took these tests I was very sick with a stomach bug. Long about Thursday night the sickness hit its peak, I have never felt that sick in my entire life! That night was also the night I started bleeding. So my hope for pregnancy was dashed right there. I began hoping instead that those pregnancy tests had been “duds” so to speak. That they had been false positives and that my time of the month had just come.  The next day I decided I had better go to the doctor.

As I sat in her office, she began explaining things to me. She said that my sickness was probably just a passing illness (tests showed that this was true). She also said “that false positives are very rare, and that most likely you had been pregnant but you have lost the (she hesitated a little here) embryo.” (Which is true, the test came back and I was pregnant, but I took another today and it was negative, so indeed I did lose it).

 I just stared at her, I wanted to (and should have) said “You don’t have to call it an embryo you can call it what it is, I lost the baby.” But I didn’t L. Her hesitation tells me one of two things, either she didn’t believe it was an embryo but had to say that, or perhaps she believes it is only an embryo and wasn’t sure how I would take that, not knowing my beliefs.

Either way, I got to thinking that calling it an embryo makes it less of a big deal. So I lost an embryo, big whoopty doo dah…but I know better. It was in fact a little soul that didn’t make it.

I said it before that being born…being ALIVE (the fact you are reading this now) in and of itself is a miracle due to all the factors that work against us from conception to birth (or even before conception)! I said that with only a head, or  a “book” knowledge about it so to speak…but now I say it from experience!

I questioned God again after that doctor’s appointment. I know, you might be thinking, “what a weak Christian to have something so small tip her scale.”…I’ve actually thought this myself. Something so small started me questioning God. Which I’ve never really questioned God. Not when we lost Joshua  , my little brother when he was but 16 weeks old. Not when my cousin had a heart attack at 16. Not when my dear friend Gina lost her precious boy Simon…and  not when we lost Grandpa Duffy last year. Yes in those times I was fearful…and sad but I always had an unwavering faith that God had a hidden reason. But now, when it hit SO close to home (no it actually hit my home!!) I began to question God for the first time in my life! Why would He give me a hope of pregnancy (two positive tests) only to have them dashed? Why would He allow so many around me the joy of an expectant baby but not me?

The answer I’ve come to: I DON’T KNOW! Profound, I know J….

I don’t see the answers…I surrendered to God about my eating disorder…I’m striving to be content…but it is still raining on me.I chose the right path, but the “goods” didn’t come. I’m still here broken, aching and waiting!  I don’t know why...but I don’t need to know!

I do NOT need to see a visual of His love for me (granting me a baby), I already have one: The wounds of His Son Jesus Christ speak louder!

I do not have to see to believe His promises! I don’t have to have Him answer my prayer for another baby, I know He will in His time, or He won’t and He will give me the grace and strength to walk through whatever He decides.

I do not need an explanation from God but a revelation! I say this because I don’t need to know why He is doing what He is doing, rather I just need to know Him better! Recently Josh and I were talking about all that has taken place, the hopes built and then dashed…and I told him “This just doesn’t seem like the God I have always known.” For the first time Josh didn’t have a real good answer to that statement. However, God does, He reminded me gently what He had to remind Job of, that just when we seem to think we know God He shows us that we actually don’t! He may show us through something new about Him we find in His Word, or He may show us through circumstances in our lives.

 Here I was thinking I knew God, that I somehow had Him all figured out, and He showed me that I do not know Him as well as I thought! “Indeed these are the mere edges of His ways, And how small a whisper we hear of Him! But the thunder of His power who can understand?” Job 26:14   All we know of God is the mere edges of His ways, the tip of the iceberg so to speak. All we know of Him is what we could know of a conversation from mere whispered fragments. We never “arrive” in our knowledge of God, there is something to be learned always!

This is what God has been showing me lately in my quiet time with Him and what He has shown me in the recent circumstances of my life. I honestly do not know Him like I thought I did, and that is both humbling and a challenge to pursue Him even more. And not just a mere head knowledge but WISDOM! That is knowledge applied, not just knowing Him but knowing what to do with what I know of Him! Allowing what I learn of Him to impact the way I talk, the choices I make, the things I do! This is why I say I do not need an explanation from God but rather a revelation of Himself, of myself, of His Son, what He wants of me etc.

He has given me two gifts so far (children). One He allowed me to keep, the other He took away before it could even start to grow…I do not know why, but I do know this, He loves me (John 3:16). I do know He will give me strength (Phil. 4:13), and He only gives us what we can handle. So right now, my life is what I can handle and for that I’m thankful. No it isn’t easy; yes it is a daily, sometimes moment to moment struggle. Sometimes I am up, sometimes I am down. My heart aches to hold another child, my heart aches from the loss…but God is sovereign!  I used to think that if God would just answer my prayer for another child, then I would know He loved me, know that He looked on me with pleasure….but now I know better! I know better when I take a look at Christ and His wounds! I know better because God swooped down and showed me through all this that I don’t have to see to believe!