~Happy Six Months Squeaky~

Tomorrow my Rachel, our little rainbow baby, “squeaky” as we call her, turns 6 months! HALF A YEAR FOLKS! Where has the time gone?!?!

I can’t believe that just six months ago I held her tiny pink colored body in my arms for the first time, and now she is cooing and rolling around and will probably up and crawl one of these days! Blows my mind that God saw fit to bless us with such a sweet and gentle spirited little lass!

So in honor of her turning half a year, I decided to write up her birth story J Im pretty sure I wrote up Miriam’s like a couple weeks post partum…but hey at least I am writing it J

We had planned to deliver Rachel in the exact same hospital we delivered Miriam: Methodist in Des Moines. However, that was us “planning our way” BUT GOD ordered our steps:

I had been having fevers every night for almost a week, and nobody could figure out why. I went to the dentist and had a tooth pulled because I thought it was infected, but the fevers persisted. I think the Dentist was nervous about pulling it as I was 36 almost 37 weeks along. They took all the precautions they could, but that being said they couldn’t give me their normal drug to numb the pain. Let me just say I felt EVERYTHING, but never said a word of course. I was so tired of the fevers that I was willing to do anything…and I just wanted that tooth out!

Sad to say, I went through all of that all for not so it seems, because the fevers continued! Every afternoon long about 4pm until early the next morning I would get a low grade fever and chills and contractions would start up.

I called and called the doctor’s office in Des Moines, trying to get answers and they just kept saying “take Tylenol” blah blah blah. Now they were right, that really was all I could do. However, the receptionist was exceptionally rude in her tone and the way she spoke to me. I do believe that was God’s way of pushing me to break the tie and swithch hospitals. ALL in His grace, and proved to me that yes, sometimes God does use even rude people in our lives!

I remember I was just fed up with that particular doctors office, so I got online and inquired with the Cass County Hospital in Atlantic to see if it would even be possible for me to switch to their care this late in the game. To my complete shock they said “of course.” Since I was this late in the game however, I wanted to get things switched over ASAP so that very day Josh took me down there to sign papers to have all my records transferred from the Doc in Des Moines to the Doc in Cass County.

In my flurry of excitement and just utter joy, because up until that point deep down I felt very nervous about trying to go all the way to Des Moines to deliver. Miriam came pretty fast! I was most likely in labor with her for days leading up to her birth, but I didn’t know it. They had to induce me due to the fact that they thought my bag of water was leaking. They induced me at 7:45 and she was born about an hour later! That being said, with as much contractions as I was having at this point with baby #2 I was getting really nervous that her birth would go just as fast as her bigger sister!

Anyways, where was I?? Oh yes, so in my flurry of excitement and just pure joy I ran out the door with my things and miss stepped and fell down (37 weeks pregnant) and twisted my ankle! So now, not only was I dealing with the soreness of having a tooth pulled but also a twisted and now swollen ankle! This was Thursday. The very next day I had my first doctors appointment in Cass County. It went very smoothly and come to find out the nurse is a Christian! What a blessing that was! Later that afternoon my mom and dad and sister as well as Josh’s mom and sister and soon to be sister in law, arrived for my baby shower, which was to take place the following day (Saturday).

Saturday went fairly smooth. We had the shower and got a ton of lovely pink things for miss Rachel to wear. That afternoon my family and Josh’s family took off. Little knowing that if they could’ve stayed one more night they could’ve been here for the big day! LOL!

Sunday. A Pastor’s biggest day of any week. We are always busy, always on call, but Sundays are some of our busiest days in ministry. But this wasn’t just any Sunday… no this was in fact the very Sunday that was set to be our Church’s annual Thanksgiving pot luck! There was also a business meeting scheduled for this day following the lunch. And to top it all off this was this Sunday was our anniversary of our first Sunday in Brayton!! Can anyone say BIG DAY??!!??!!

So of course this would naturally be a Pastor’s Kid’s first choice when it comes to the day they will “arrive”…I mean it only makes sense. After all Pastor’s kids never behave themselves and always cause a ruckus…so why shouldn’t Rachel start out on a good foot right at the start?? LOL!

And it was indeed Rachel’s choice, because it is said that babies are the ones who decide when to be born. It is their body who puts off the hormone that starts labor…or so I’ve heard..correct me if I am wrong??

Long about midnight I started labor as near as I can tell. Or at least that is when things got really uncomfortable. But me being….well me…I just kept on sleeping. Or at least trying to…and for the most part I succeeded. Every once in a while waking to some pain …every so often. But trying not to pay too much heed….because of all that was going on this particular Sunday..I knew I just “couldn’t be in labor.” So I continued trying to sleep. You see sleep is very important to me. In college I always went to bed at 9pm (unheard of in college huh?? Lol). I never had a later nighter or an all nighter. I go to be at roughly the same time each night and wake at the same time each morning as much as possible. I love my sleep and I also love to rise early. So as much as possible I try and stick to this and keep getting up in the night to a minimum. Which isn’t always easy now that I have children lol…

Finally, the pain started to get a little more intense closer towards 4 and 5am. Like enough to disrupt my sleep…this wasn’t good. Not today~!

Well I’ve always been an odd person. I don’t do certain things I don’t like to do unless someone tells me to do them.
For instance when I worked as a cook the last year (2012) before I got married. I fell into my eating disorder pretty badly. I lost a lot of weight and ate hardly anything at meal times (one piece of jellied bread and whatever fruit was being served). That was it. And I ran every day and a few times a week I biked around the lake with the other cooks. On top of that I worked hard in the kitchen. Lifting things and being on my feet all day and stirring things. I remember beginning to feel weak all the time…hungry all the time. It was a strange feeling. Almost like I was going to pass out…though I never did. As I said I ran every afternoon. The cooks get a break from 1-4 every afternoon. And as long as you don’t have any other responsibilities this time could be used however we saw fit.

Most smart and intelligent cooks would catch up on sleep (which actually was the general idea behind this break being set up for us). Because we started our day at 6am each morning in the kitchen, so this 1-4 break was a welcomed and beloved nap time. But instead of napping, my rebellious and sin filled heart decided that running would better suit me. So that’s what I did. I remember each day, as I sat down to tie my shoes, telling myself that if anyone ….and of my fellow cooks or either of my bosses…if they just came and told me not to run…I would do it. Of course they never did…and how could they know. I remember wishing as I got my feet pounding that pavement again that someone would come and tell me that I didn’t have to do this anymore. That I didn’t need to run anymore. That I could eat more…that I should eat more. But how could they? Because I snuck that piece of bread and jelly and went out to eat with the rest of the staff..they had no clue that I was only eating that much. They had no clue that sometimes I tried to get so busy with a job that they would forget to send me to lunch. And when they did that I just didn’t allow myself to eat anything!

You see I do this a lot when I am doing something I shouldn’t. I come up with an impossible circumstance and say “well if they tell me to stop_____ (fill in the blank)” then I will stop. Problem is the circumstances I draw up are impossible and ridiculous and would never happen. And I know this. And that’s why in my sick and twisted way of living I allow myself to keep on a path I shouldn’t! The reason I do this type of thing is because the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! Part of me wants to do right but the other part of me…my sinful flesh, does not and so it makes up some unrealistic circumstance in order to change and when that unrealistic circumstance doesn’t happen then I think that I am “off the hook” because if God really wanted me to change He would make that unrealistic thing happen! So sick and twisted…I hate to even admit that I do this…I “put out the fleece” so to speak…but I am forgetting that “God cannot be tested nor brought under the power of any.” This was not to be my release from the awful ensnaring sin….no years later a miscarriage would be used to break those chains.

So for that time I was still trapped and chained.

Other times when it is something I should do, as in the case of the morning of Rachel’s birth, I should have gone into the doctor sooner. But trying to tell myself that I couldn’t be in labor, I made up in my mind that I would wait til Josh woke and asked me what’s wrong and then we would go to the doctor. You see I didn’t want to go. I hate doctors and I hate lying on a table flat on my back in labor…I would much rather labor at home in my own bed, lying on my side or whatever position suits me at that moment.

Finally though the pain was so severe I could not ignore. Josh was not waking. I kept rolling over and groaning loudly…all to no avail. My plan wasn’t working…so in a moment of sheer frustration I got up out of bed with a huge thud as my feet hit the floor. Well that did it…my water broke! My prayers had been answered!

You see because I knew that we would be trying to travel an hour away to give birth, I knew that I needed to be in labor beyond a shadow of a doubt! I did not want to go an hours trip all for false labor. So at the very outset of the pregnancy I prayed that God would allow my water to break on its own, then there would be no questions asked, we would just know it was time and the doctors would have to see me.

So we packed our things…and I am so embarrassed to say that we actually left Miriam asleep in her room by herself! Our fantastic babysitter lives maybe 5 min. away. We called and told her I was in labor, she said she would be over ASAP. We waited for a couple minutes but I just knew we had to get going…so we did. We passed her shortly after leaving and Miriam was asleep and was home alone for maybe 2 min. total!

It is a great thing that we left when we did though, because we got to the hospital and Rachel was born 20 min. after arriving! And I’m not kidding! It was enough time to check in, get upstairs and into a gown and onto the bed. I answered as many questions (they still didn’t have all my records from the doc in Des Moines) as I could in between contractions and literally moments later she was born!

I remember the nurse telling me that I couldn’t push because the doctor wasn’t here yet. She told me to pant. So I tried that for like a couple seconds. I told her “this isn’t working” she told me it had to work and told josh to get in my face and pant with me. So here is my hubby in my face trying to get me to pant. I literally would’ve started laughing had I not been in the throes of labor! We had to have been a sight! Here he is panting to his wife, only hours later to be on a stage preaching to the congregation of our church! All in a days work eh?!?!

So yeah I was like “um nope pantin aint working nursey” (I didn’t really say exactly that…lol). I just said “no this isn’t working…I am going to push.” And just like that she got off her computer from entering in my information and got over to me in time to catch Rachel!

Now this is ALL of God because Rachel had the cord wrapped around her kneck as she came out. The Nurse knew what to do and showed Josh (for future reference…not that we would need it ever lol). Now since Josh didn’t know this very pertient information, as near as we can calculate, if we had stayed with the Doc in Des Moines we would have been about to Stuart Iowa on the interstate when Rachel would’ve been born! Josh may or may not have known what to do about that cord..I am SO thankful we didn’t have to find that out the hard way! I also am so thankful that we switched when we did! We literally switched just 3 days before Rachel was born! God knew!

We planned our way but God ordered our steps! We thought we had it all covered…but God actually had it all covered!

Shortly after her birth they had me try to nurse her. She started making a weird noise and began to turn blue. So the nurse took her from me. After hitting her back she got her to pink up again. Josh and I thought nothing of it really. She seemed healthy. A good 6.7 and ¾ of a pound. Nice and pink. She was 37 weeks. Miriam was only 36 and she didn’t have to go to the NICU though they had them on standby for her the night she was born.

We assumed that things would go just like they did with Miriam. Yeah um we obviously had only one kid up to this point and thought that kids all follow the same pattern…we learned quickly they do not!

Josh left to go and preach and by this time the nurses thought it had been long enough and wanted me to try Rachel nursing again. But the same thing happened, only this time they whisked Rachel away from me. Leaving me in my room…wondering what in the world was going on. I quickly texted josh and my family to keep them abreast to what was going on. Mom called me and told me to go and see where they took Rachel. I was so nervous…I mean here I was in a Hospital I didn’t really know much about and now I was about to go wandering around to try and see where my daughter had been taken. I didn’t even know if me wandering around was “Kosher”???

But I took a deep breath and worry and concern of a mother for her dear child sent me on a mission. I walked out and met a nurse almost instantly in the hallway “I want to know where they’ve taken my daughter” I told her who I was and who she was. She led me to the nursery, where Rachel lay hooked up to oxygen through her nose. The nurse let me know that they were ordering a chest xray to rule out any heart abnormalities. They were also calling the NICU in Des Moines and seeing if a transfer was possible as Rachel’s case was more than this hospital was prepared in equipment and staff to handle. So for a few hours I watched as they poked and prodded my little girl.

I saw other babies brought in for check ups so they could be released. They cried at the slightest touch from a nurse and here my little girl was getting poked with needles and barely making a peep. It wasn’t because she was tough…it was because she didn’t have the breath support needed for crying. She was preserving her energy to breathe. Josh arrived hours later to the same scene. We by then knew we would be transferred to Des Moines. I would get my first ambulance ride. Josh kissed me and promised to go home and get Miriam and head to Des Moines so we would be together.

The hospital was kind enough to release me the very day of my delivery (most unheard of eh?? Lol). This was so I could be with my daughter. The ambulance ride was extrememly bumpy! I was so glad that I had taken some ibuprofen before leaving the hospital!

The whole ride there, when I wasn’t conversing with the driver, I was praying and thanking God for all the blessings. You see I did not want to wallow in pity over my situation…or of worry over the what ifs (what if Rachel had a sickness or some kind of birth defect etc.).

I was also praying for a safe trip to the NICU. We made it safely there. They asked if I wanted to be wheeled to Rachel’s room, as I had “just given birth that day” (they put a lot of emphasis on this lol). And I was like “no I am fine.”

Inside I was worried a little, but I wasn’t overcome….I had a peace that I just knew God had this under control! I know a lot of people were praying!

When we got to her teeny tiny NICU room I was a bit shocked at how small it was…and how hard an uncomfortable the hard bed was where I was going to sleep. I was also shocked at the fact that she was placed under a hood of oxygen …and I would not be allowed to hold her. How thankful I am that the ENT’s who transported her let me give her one last kiss before heading to the NICU. I would be savoring that and letting that hold me over for a day or so.

The nurses that first night were extremely helpful and caring. Their names were Mary and Rachel. We all had a good laugh over that because our girls are named Miriam (Hebrew form of Mary) and Rachel. And turns out that Mary’s husband’s name was also “Josh.” That was God’s grace because we all had a laugh about it! Laughing is the best medicine and it helped to lighten the worry and fear that was beginning to creep in.

Thankfully Rachel improved quickly and we got to go home just 2 days after arriving J! But even if that had not been the outcome…God would still be the loving and faithful and Gracious God that He is and would have seen us through!

Rachel is such a blessing to our family! She is for the most part a really layed back baby! She brings us much joy and we are all so smitten by her! She is a gentle soul and just smiles at almost anybody!

I am SO thankful for God! Who He is and how He has worked in and through my life! Praise be to Him for His wonderful blessings! Celebrating Rachel Renae’s sixth month is honestly ALL OF HIM!!!

I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me. PS. 13:6

When God Shuts a Door

We were so excited! In Elizabeth Illinois there used to be a camp, and at this camp there was a cabin type house. And the camp allowed Pastors and their families to stay there for a week each year for free. There was a pond for fishing and swimming and all kinds of livestock to look at and the cabin itself was HUGE! There were like 8 bedrooms! And there were all kinds of board games, and also a foosball table, and a hammock out back. We started planning this trip long before we took it. Dad had everything lined up like he always does. It was set to be a great and much needed vacation for a weary pastor and wife and their six kids!

Just days before, Joe and I decided took a sudden interest in walkee talkees. We knew we would be out in nature and have hiking trips and we wanted an awesome way to stay in communication with one another. We were completely convinced that walkee talkees  would make this trip THAT much better! The only problem was that at this particular time there was only one set of walkee talkees in the house...and they just happened to belong to our kid brothers Andrew and Caleb, who were maybe 6 and 5 at the time.

So we did the mature, elder thing to do....we snatched them away from the brothers. To our demise they of course resisted. But through either a trade or our pure force….I can't remember exactly which it was. We either traded them something (that most likely was no where worth their walkee talkees) or we used our big sizes and forced them to just give them to us. I want to think that it was the former.....but we were sin filled pastors kids, so most likely it was the latter. Oh wait, you thought all pastors kids were angels? Well my apologies for bringin light to that line of thought! Lol!

Anyways, a few days before the trip the boys (as we called them) got upset about these walkee talkees. After watching us use and interact with them their jealousy got the best of them. Now that I think about it, I'm almost certain we traded something for these walkee talkees. Is my family the only one who does this?? Your sib has something completely fantastic, you want it. So you go and grab something you own that will entice them. And you trade items. Much like native Americans!

Most of the time it worked out great for both parties and the trade "stuck". But other times it didn't go so hot. The trader sometimes saw the other sib with their traded item. And just the very sight of them using and enjoying it (if it was a toy) or how good they looked in it (if it was a clothing item) incited jealousy like none other.
The Thing you traded you had forgotten all about, but now seeing it enjoyed and flaunted before you, suddenly it becomes the very thing you want back! But alas it is in the arms of another owner! And this is exactly what occurred just days before the trip. Joe and I thought our trade was secure, and set in stone. But alas the boys grew restless, somehow the sight of Joe and I using them enticed them and they brought their case before the “judge” (aka:dad).

J

oe and I thought our possession of those walkee talkees  was coming to a quick end. But much to our surpise, Dad told the kid brothers that they had made a trade and would have to stick with that. But he must’ve told them something else, because when they left that conversation with our dad, they both had a slight smirk on their faces. That is when dad approached Joe and I.  As we reveled in and high fived to the fact that we had just one these walkee talkees, dad approached us and said very simply “You are gonna kick yourselves.”

Joe and I looked at eachother completely puzzled. “Puh, yeah right dad! We have these now free and clear! What do you even mean we are going to kick ourselves?” I asked defiantly (I was an extremely strong willed child…now you know where Miriam gets it eh? Lol).

“I just mean that you’re gonna kick yourselves.” And that’s all dad said. But he said it in such a way, like he knew something we didn’t know.

But Joe and I just shrugged it off. We were too happy and content with the walkee talkees we had NOW, with what we could SEE right before us.

And we forgot all about dad’s warning “You are gonna kick yourselves.” That is until we got into the van to leave for the trip. There we were all crammed into our conversion van. The three youngest had all been strapped into their seats, and us three eldest had taken our seats. Joe and I laughing and giggling about and still reveling in our walkee talkees. The boys (Andrew and Caleb) didn’t seem bothered, or even jealous of our walkee talkees. That is when dad handed a brand new walkee talkees out. He had 4 brand new, more mature looking walkee talkees. You have to understand that the walkee talkees Joe and I had were as “kiddish” as they come, They were purple and had huge buttons and a very kid looking design. These four new ones my dad had bought were blue, and had no kid features. They were adult type walkee talkees. With a morse code chart.

Joe and I got wide eyes. And that’s when dad’s simple phrase hit me “You are gonna kick yourselves.”

Jealousy burned! And we desperately tried our best to come along side the boys and offer them their kid walkee talkees back in exchange for the newer, better, more mature ones. But they would not relinquish them! Their slight smirk was now a full blown smile. They had waited and it paid off!

They listened to what my father had said about the fact that he had bought brand new ones specifically for this trip. In fact my dad had bought these even before Joe and I got the boys’ walkee talkees. My dad had planned all along to give us these…but we had settled for the lesser, only because we could SEE it and we could have it NOW!

We cried out to dad…claiming that the walkee talkees we had now really were the boys’ and they had wanted them back and we were now willing to give them back, but dad just told us “I told you, you were gonna kick yourselves.”

And that’s all he said.

Fast forward to today. That story illustrates well what God has been teaching me lately.

Sometimes we have something, maybe a certain position, or an item, or a friendship, or whatever. And we think it is THE BEST THING. And then it gets taken away for whatever reason. And we throw a fit. We try to get it back…but it’s gone. And we ask why. We know God is in control and we know He could have changed things to work so we could keep it (whatever it was). But He didn’t and now we are left wondering why. Recently I lost something. It wasn’t much, but I finally had an opportunity to use my love of writing for the Lord, and then it was taken away. I was just getting into it and excited about it and God shut that door.

And I felt crushed. But then God brought to mind this story of the walkee talkees. And reminded me that sometimes, later on down the road I will understand and see why things get taken away. I too quickly get caught up in the “kid looking walkee talkees”…those things that I think are the absolute BEST, when really there is something even greater coming down the road (better walkee talkees). I can’t see them, but I must be like my younger brothers were, letting go of whatever it is that I thought was BEST and wait for what is even BETTER! My heavenly Father (much like my earthly father) has something bigger and better planned down the road, but we may miss it if we keep scrambling to keep those “kid walkee talkees”, those things that we love but God us showing us that we need to let them go.

Sometimes He shuts doors because He has something greater planned down the road. So the question is are we going to trust him and hold out? My younger brothers didn’t really know if my dad actually had the new walkee talkees. They had heard him say he had them but he never showed them. They had to trust in something they couldn’t see. I had to do this when I lost a baby last year. It was a super early miscarriage. People kept telling me that God was good and that He would grant me another baby down the road. I couldn’t see any proof of that…but just like my brothers, I had to trust that in the fact that my Father had a plan and would make all things beautiful in His time. And He did! He gave us Rachel! But even if He hadn’t, He told me in His Word that He does work all things out for good. I’ve heard it said that sometimes bad things happen because of our sin…sometimes because of the sin of others…sometimes because of Satan (think of Job), and other reasons,  but really that matters not because by the time that “bad” gets to you, it is God’s will FOR YOU! He only allows what He desires to happen.

So what are your struggling with today? Has God shut a door? May I implore you to wait! He has a plan, just like my earthly father did. He has something BETTER down the road. Right now things look blurry and what you lost seems like the BETTER thing, what could possibly be BETTER than ____ (fill it in with whatever door God has closed.)

But I assure you there is a BETTER! We may never see that BETTER here on earth, but we will one day in heaven! And no one will say “it wasn’t worth it.” So don’t kick yourself! Let it go and trust in what you cant see, be like my younger brothers! Don’t cling to your little walkee talkees, wait for the better ones to come!

Commended and Condemned

Feelings and truth do not always coincide. A lot of the time I feel a certain way about God....but in my heart I know it isn't true. Like sometimes I feel what I do or say commends me to Him. And other times what I do or say, I feel condemns me before Him. Or the opposite. Sometimes I feel what I choose not to say  or do commends me to Him...or
What I choose not to do or say condemns me before Him.
And when I follow those feelings I run around like crazy doing this that and the other thing to stay commended and not condemned....or I sit and wallow because I have failed in one way or another and I feel condemned. And usually my response is to ask forgiveness of God over and over and OVER!

So in all reality, in life, I'm either a little stuck up brown noser....or I'm the class bully who can't seem to get his act together. That's when I'm following my feelings.

But the TRUTH is that Christ died and rose again. He bore all my condemnation, and He also is my commendation to the Father God. Because of Christ I no longer am condmned for the things I do, but also nothing I do can further commend me to God.

So let's say I die a martyr....I'm still no more commended before God than the person who lived life for himself and accepted Christ on his deathbed. The ground is level at the cross and it stays that way! This doesn't change!

I can remember back to last spring and summer when our yard was covered in Josh's nightmare: DANDILIONS! Lol! He is one of "those people" you know the ones, who notices when even one blade of grass is taller than the rest! Lol!
Anyways I remember sittin outside and watching Miriam pick them. She never brought me one but I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't wait till the day she would!
I hate flowers. Everyone who knows me well knows this. I don't like getting flowers from my hubby. I think it is a waste of time and money. But I long for a little weed from a certain little gal. Why?

It isn't the weed or even the act of her giving it to me. It is just her. It is because it is from her.
I think it is the same with God. So that it isn't what I do for Him but that I do FOR Him.
I'm already commended to Him because of His Son. So nothing I do can bring me to any better of a standing with Him. And nothing I do can bring me to any worse of a standing with Him.

However what I do or don't do can affect how close I am to Him and with Him. But it is never He that moves. It is only I. I like to think of it this way. When My hubby walks his dog Shep, the dog is attached to him by a leash.
The leash represents Christ. There's no possible way the tie can be broken between Shep and Josh. They are attached. But Shep can wander off and go after distractions. Josh never moves away...Shep moves away but Josh stays where he is at.
Waiting for Shep. Sometimes if things get really crazy and Shep is heading for a road Josh will intervene and go after Shep.

God works the same way. We know this because of the 2 illustrations of this found in His Word. In Luke 15 it talks about a sheep in trouble. It ran away and injured itself. The Shepherd went after it. However it also talks of a son who runs away and gets into trouble and the Father waits at home.
God both waits at times for us and sometimes He comes after us.


I surrender and fell surrendered and fell and surrendered and fell SO many times when it comes to my eating disorder. I would fall into it and then God would convict me and I would come back to Him and be good for a while and then back to it and the whole cycle started over again.
That was while He was waiting for
Me. But then He came after me. And that He did through a miscarriage. He moved because He saw me running away again.

There are times when I feel like my miscarriage is all of God and I think of Him as a bully (there I said it....gasp I can't believe I just wrote that...but it's true)
And I wonder how He could do that to me???!!! Especially since apparently that kind of miscarriage happens a lot. A woman gets pregnant and then before the little one can even start growing the body aborts it. But my struggle was that HE LET ME KNOW IT!

He knew I was excited about it and He knew that I had prayed and prayed and prayed for another child. So of course I took test after to test to see if I was pregnant. And finally one came out positive. I knew I was pregnant.
And before I could really let it sink in that we would be parents again...that life was snuffed out.

And at times then...and still now I'm tempted to blame God. How could He??!! How could He let it happen in the first place and how could He let me know about it? But that's only how I felt...how I still feel sometimes.

But the truth is God doesn't with hold from us ANYTHING that is for our good. He didn't even with hold His own Son from me.
He allowed that miscarriage because that is what I needed to wake me up to the fact that I needed saving from my eating big disorder. That I was beginning to head down a path once again. The path of an eating disorder.

I am no more smiled on then I was when I was drenched in my eating disorder. Sometimes I feel that because I've come so far away from my eating disorder that God now smiles
On me more than He ever has...but the truth is He smiled on my just as much when I was struggling. He doesn't change in His love for or delight in us because of what we do or don't do.

He loved me just as much as an 89 pound self absorbed girl as He does now that I'm more free from it. And that truth in and of itself is freeing yet still more! Knowing that He doesn't change in His commendation or condemnation
Is such a freeing and awesome truth! Yes choices I make will either bring ME (not Him...there is a HUGE difference there) closer to Him or further from Him. But He doesn't look down with a frown and He isn't out to get me when I sin...but He also isn't up there somehow
Happier when I do right. He can't be brown nosed, and He can't be offended so much that He moves away. You see I'm tempted to see Him like me. Like somehow God is altogether like me. He judges people and moves closer or further away from people based on what they do or say or don't do or don't say. But that is feeling not truth. God is altogether not like us!

"These things you have done, and I kept silent; You thought that I was altogether like you; ps.50:21aIt is we who move not Him. He stays the same!

When God Calls for a Famine

The other night, I was in turmoil within. I have recently surrendered to God, that I will stay single if He would have me, or marry if He would have me to. And shortly after I surrendered, God brought Thomas into my life!

You see for a whole year or two of my life I had been telling God that I would never marry, and this past summer He got a hold of my heart, through a novel I was reading and through friends (though unbenounced to them: Jessie La Fluer, Bethany Moore, and Julie Farrell J ). They influenced me not by their words ness. But by their example! I saw how surrendered they were to God, and envied that, and realized by their light that I was missing something.

But that is another story entirely, which I already wrote a note about entitled (unsurrendered heart). I just posted that one on my blog as well, so you can read if you would like the background to this post J.

Anyways, so I had finally surrendered to God in the area of marriage and singleness, and He blessed me with a  relationship to Thomas.

And well the other night I was journaling to God, and just telling Him about some recent developments in my relationship to Thomas (no new news to God though!). And just pouring my heart out to Him.

All along Thomas and I have been taking different steps in our relationship. And we are now at a place where we are unsure as to where to go next, or even if God would have us continue on.

OH how I long to be able to continue on with Thomas, but you see I wanted it that night SO bad that I was not willing to give it up. God brought that to my attention, and I surrendered the relationship over to Him.

And the reason I did, the reason I surrendered, was because I knew that ultimately, even though continuing with Thomas is currently what my heart desires, that may not be what God desires of me. You see, God’s thoughts are not always our thoughts. Sometimes He leads and opens doors left and right, but at other times He still leads but shuts doors, that were once opened. And I knew that if it was not His will that we continue than it would ultimately be for my greater good that we not continue (Rom. 8:28).  

You see we serve an AMAZING God, who always knows exactly what He is doing. He is not like some child on an anthill with a magnifying glass, killing ants at random, with no rhyme or reason. No He is amazing because EVERYTHING He does and allows to happen has a purpose! I mean sure we as humans have a purpose for doing everything we do, but you see not always do we have the best purpose for doing what we do! But not God! He can be trusted because He not only has a purpose but His purpose is best, there can be nothing better!

And while this is a good reason to surrender to God, because He will do all for my greater good, I was convicted this morning that it is not the BEST reason to surrender to Him!

I read in Psalm 105: 16-17

“Moreover He called for a famine in the land;

         He destroyed all the provision of bread.

  He sent a man before them—

         Joseph—who was sold as a slave.”

This is obviously talking of the 7 year famine in the land of Egypt and Canaan during the time of Jacob and Joseph, the 7 year famine that Pharaoh dreamed of and Joseph interpreted.

And you might be thinking right now: “Okay Bethy, what in the world does this have to do with you and your surrender of relationship??!”

And may I reply by saying hold on, I am getting there!

You see God sent a famine, it states specifically “He called for a famine.” And as I stated before God never does anything without a reason, now sometimes He gives us the reasons, at other times they remain hidden in darkness, never to be revealed until heaven, and so this is cause for us to trust Him.

So we know that God called for this famine, and that He had a perfect reason for it. And during this famine He protected Jacob and his family by sending Joseph to Egypt. And God did not just send Joe there, no He equipped Him to go. We know from the account that Joe could interpret dreams and that he had many gifts that eventually were used later by God to protect His people and the people of Egypt.

You see not only does God have a plan, but He also equips us for that specific plan! WOW! We don’t even have to do anything other than surrender and obey, and even those two things are done by the very grace of God!

WOW! WOW! Sometimes I think, “yea I know how good God is! I know what He does, and has done.” And how quickly He brings me off that high place, and humbles me by surprising me and revealing Himself a bit more and stands back and chuckles at my bewilderment saying “Aw, Bethy…Bethy…Bethy! My prodigal daughter, how I love you! See how you thought you knew everything there is to know? And look my daughter, my prodigal, look how little you knew! And here I have reavealed a bit more, but remember that you are just barely scratching the surface!”

“But Father, when, when will I know you fully?”

“Only in heaven dear one! Until then stick to your task of getting to know me better, remember it is not about what I offer you, but who I AM, seek me out! Keep searching my face, I will reward your diligence, I will shine the light of my countenance on you!”

Now obviously I am not claiming some “charismatic” happening or anything, I have never heard God actually say those words, but it just seems that this is what He is saying to me each time He baffles me!

Anyways sorry for that rabbit trail…now where was I??? OH yeah,

So God equipped Joe for the job and sent Him down there as we read in Psalm 107:17a: “He sent a man before them—

         Joseph.”

And who is that “them” there? Well if we read back through Ps. 107: 11-15 we find that it is Israel (I will allow you to read that for yourselves.)

Now you see God sent Joseph to Egypt, and it says that He became a slave.

 “ He sent a man before them—

         Joseph—who was sold as a slave.”

Now I don’t know personally what it is like to be a slave, but I know that it could not have been an easy thing!

How hard that would have been on Joseph. And it was not just this trial but he had many trials! And really just trial after trial: being thrown into pit/hated by brothers/sold into slavery/conflict with Potifar’s wife/put in prison.)

And we might be tempted to think “why, why would God do all this, allow this all to happen to Joseph, such a devout servant of God’s? Why would God allow this “famine” into Joseph’s life?”

And our first anwer would probably be the one I gave for surrendering my relationship with Thomas to God :Because it would be for the ultimate good of Joseph (me).

But I have been convicted that perhaps this is just the “milk” of what can be learned. That this is just a good reason for surrender, for trials, but not the BEST reason that God has in mind!

And you might be thinking “WHAT?! But we have always been told, ‘trials are for YOUR greater good.” And that is true but not the best reason for sending trials.

Let me recall to your attention Phil. 2:3-4

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

You see life (not even my own life) is not about me! I have died to myself: so now I don’t live for me or even surrender for me, but for Christ who lives within me!

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Gal. 2:20

Thus my trials, my surrenders, my famines are not just about me! There really is a higher reason for the struggles I face (Joseph faced), the surrenders that I make, than just my greater good, just my betterment. Oh sure there is greater good for me in it, but perhaps this is just a benefit! This is just the milk, but there is meat to be found my friends!

A higher plain to be reached, a higher reason to go through struggles and trials, a higher reason to surrender than just because it is for OUR good as individuals.

You see Joseph’s troubles were good for him yes, he learned from them, but they were not just good for him, but for his brother’s, they learned a great lesson in that, and also his father and family in the area of food, and also the good of Egypt and really ultimately the good of ALL mankind (you and I today).

Because see if God had not provided a leader in Joseph, all of Jacob and his sons would have died.  And perhaps that does not seem significant, but who came through their line? Jesus Christ did! If they had died their line would have died with!

So this famine ( or any famine you have been through or will go through) that you are going through is never just about you and your good, but rather about God and His plan and His glory! It is always so much bigger than we think! So you see I connect it now to my surrender. I surrender my relationship with Thomas to God now, not just because I know that it will work out for my good, but more importantly for the good of others and most importantly for God and HIS purpose and glory!

\For the many in the world, for God I endure each “famine” not just for me! So now I must press on in the grace and strength of God, waiting to see how He will lead in this relationship. Waiting to see what His purpose and glory is all about!

And thus I surrender now, not just because He will work it out for my greater good (Joseph’s greater good), or for Thomas’ greater good (Joseph’s family’s greater good), but for the ultimate good of others (EGYPT in Joseph’s case) and the awesome Glory of God and His purpose ( in Joseph’s case all of the World because of Jesus being able to come through the line of Judah who survived that famine!)

I pray that this has been an encouragement, and if you are going through a trial, take great comfort not only in that it is for your greater good, or the greater good of your family, but even higher reasons than that :for OTHERS AND GOD!

In everything (even trials) do ALL to the glory of God and everything is always to be done in JOY (Jesus Others You)!

 Striving to keep it in perspective!

How I Fell

Most people upon hearing the word Bulimia usually think of a super skinny girl who makes herself puke to lose more weight that she does not even need to lose. My bulimia however was not like that . Although I really did not even need to lose the weight just like the girl described above , I did not make myself puke instead I went about it in a different way but it is still described as bulimia.
I knew that I wanted to lose weight but I knew that I could never starve myself nor could I ever make myself puke because I cannot even stand the thought of puking but what I did end up doing was just as ensnaring and sinful as both anorexia and the normal bulimia

It started out innocent, I would only work out for a half an hour on the bicycle downstairs every other day. But then I realized that I was not losing any weight that way ( or at least not fast enough) so I decided to begin working out for an hour each day plus on top of that I started eating a lot less than normal cutting out snacks and desserts and second helpings and cutting my first helping in half. I started this in October or November of 2006 I cannot recall exactly , shortly after the pounds began dropping. I started out weighing at a 105 pounds and in just a couple of weeks I dropped to about 94 pounds.
A couple more weeks passed and I found myself at 92. A few weeks thereafter I weighed in at about 89 pounds. Little did I know that what I was doing was a sin! The world tells us that it is just a disorder but it defiantly is not.
In fact bulimia and anorexia are both just a byproduct of a sin that is well known to every one. That sin is Pride, all who have fallen into those sins are just thinking and are focused on what people think of them.
They have turned from seeking Gods acceptance and favor to seeking it from depraved humans. They no longer care as to whether God is being glorified in their bodies but rather if they are getting glory out of their bodies.

Our bodies are the temples of God! How could I have let such a little thing as pride get into my head ( the thoughts of I need to lose weight so then I can gain some compliments) and then let it control my actions ( bulimia)?
I strayed so far from my Father ( God) during those three to four months of my bulimia. 
And if it were not for God working through my sister and my mother and my boyfriend I would have kept losing weight and wasted away to nothing and would probably not even be here today.


I can remember back in January of this year I told my sister about how much I weighed. I chose to tell her because I had not gotten any compliments whatsoever on how I looked and so I thought maybe she would throw me one.
Boy was I wrong. She upon hearing that I only weighed 89 got worried and spilled the beans to my mother a few nights later while I was babysitting.



That night after I had put the children I was watching to bed, my cell phone rang. It was my mother, I can remember her inquiring as to if it was true that I only weighed 89 pounds and of course my answer was full of pride when I said yes, thinking that she would compliment me because she too had lost a lot of weight and she looked really good surely she will compliment me knowing how good compliments were cause she had gotten many for her weight loss. Those were my thoughts. Boy was I wrong!
Instead of complimenting me she went on to talk about how dangerous it was and that I could die if I did not quit. I was so built up in my pride I argued with her and I can remember thinking “ She is just jealous both her and Krista.” Wow how far I had drifted ! I was trapped and entangled in a very dangerous sin and I did not even know! I was to blinded by the sin of my pride! 

My parents grounded me that night from the exercise bicycle . 
Of all things to ground a seventeen year old girl from usually it is not exercising that is most unheard of but that saved my life.
Although my parents grounded me from that I still ate as little as possible without starving myself and I still found other ways to over exercise .
During this time I started gaining a few pounds back even though I was desperately was trying not to. Ir was devastaing for me but it was for the better.
Now I have shared with you how God worked through my sister and how he used my mother but here is how he used my boyfriend.
We started emailing in February even then I was still striving to lose weight but it was not really working I had gained a few pounds then and was up to 92 or so but my mom was still nagging at me to get back up to at least 100 pounds.
I felt like this was an attack , I had gained a few more pounds could she and my sister and father not just be happy with that?
It took my boyfriend to look at a picture and realize that I had lost a lot of weight and it took his encouragement to gain the weight back for me to get to that set goal of 100 pounds . Without him I am afraid that I would have just stayed at only 92 and suffered some severe consequences.


Although I had already suffered some consequences, some of them serious others not so much. I lost a lot of muscle that I had built up the year before falling into bulimia ( which is what happens when you become bullimic or anorexic your muscles deplete even one of your most vital muscles your heart. That is why it is not uncommon for people to die of cardiac arrest when caught in theses sins.) and I felt a lot weaker because of that and also my pants did not fit anymore. But perhaps the worst consequence was the fact that I also drifted and backslid in my Christian walk. Although I still did my devotions everyday and prayed and went to church that sin separated me from my Father in heaven. I felt a huge gap in between myself and God. 

Shortly after getting back up to one hundred pounds I went on the internet and looked up some things about bulimia and anorexia. And that is when I learned the other not so famous side of bulimia.
The way of over exercising and that was when I realized what I had been through was not something innocent but rather a sin. I had always heard that anorexia and bulimia were a sin and not disorder but I did not know the other side of bulimia and so I thought that what I was doing could not be a sin but it indeed was and is. And that sin still affects me today, the way I think , I still have a hard time eating in front of people which is a by product of bulimia and I also always calculate as to how many calories are in the things that I eat.
I still have to be rid the rest of the way of this sin.

Also shortly after getting back my weight I went onto a health sight and I came face to face with how serious my situation had been.
I was asked to enter in my height which is ‘5’3” ( actually really i am 5/5 but i did not know that so entered 5/3) and when it came up with the weight should weigh and it was in between like 108 and 115 and then it came up with the weight of severe anorexia for someone the height of 5/3 and that was 94 pounds. I had weighed only 89 pounds at one point and severe anorexia was considered 94 pounds for someone my height! I was defiantly playing with death and fire.
A teenage girl had died from only weighing 87 pounds she collapsed one day and died ( probably cardiac arrest which I mentioned before). Wow again because I only weighed two pounds less then that! And even though i weighed that had my mom not found out i was planning to continue in my pursuit of weight loss and would have wasted away to nothing. Fortunately God got my attention.


I was so blessed cause most girls who fall into that same sin and similar sins usually end up being hospitalized or worse they become infertile or even worse then that they waste away and die.
I am so blessed that I had a heavenly father looking out for me and who came to my aid and not only did that but He showed mercy and I now stand forgiven for that sin! Boy do I know the significance of that parable about the prodigal son. God’s mercies truly are new every morning. He has so much patience and love and grace and mercy my words cannot even come close to praising or expressing to you how GREAT my God is! He truly guides my steps and he truly has restored and my body and my mind!

What I want people to learn upon reading this is not just about the other side of bulimia nor about what happened to me but I want you to learn the signs of bulimia and how to look and what to watch out for in others around you who might be secretly involved in it and when you do find someone involved in it reach, out to them in love ( Romans 13:8) and help them out of it.
I think many people knew that I was stuck in it but they stayed silent because they were afraid to tell me for whatever the reason. But I am glad that God worked through the people closest to me and I am glad that because of him I am still here.
You will never know how much God can and will use you in another’s life whether through encouragement , through your prayers or even actually through you he can help people out of sin. And it is not that he needs us but that he wants us!
Just be willing to serve our father in every way possible, in every way that he wants to use you. In the big areas such as being a missionary or in the small by helping someone else. 
God can and does use us he just needs us to be willing and to do it his way not ours!
That is what I hope you have learned from this. Not my parents nor my sister nor my boyfriend helped me out of that but rather an all powerful God working through them so the praise does not go to them nor me but to God and God alone, but I am glad that all four of them allowed God to work through them.

Pride is something that I still struggle with, bulimia the by product of my pride is pretty much gone but the pride itself is still there , but with Gods help on a daily basis through prayer and through his word and even through the people around me I know that I can and will overcome my biggest struggle PRIDE.



God worked through my boyfriend to help me realize that I even had a problem with pride. I thought that I was a fairly good person , I am saved and am living for God but pride gets in the way of me being all I can be for God. 
Everyday I am convicted of prideful thoughts attitudes and even sinful actions and emotions that I commit on a daily basis all with pride at the drivers seat of my car.
I know it is wrong and I am desperately trying to turn around and confess and forsake this terrible sin.
Had Jesse not let God use him, had he just kept silent about my pride , and had he just kept it to himself I would never even had known that there was a problem there. So my thanks this thanksgiving goes to God for everything that he has blessed me with which are many , but most importantly for grabbing a hold of my life and for working through people to bring me back to him and for not forsaking me and for his unfailing LOVE , PAITIENCE, MERCY and FORGIVENESS! 

I let my body become an idol! Generally that is what prideful people
Do they let there bodies, things and many other things become their idols.
Sadly I still struggle daily with letting my body become my idol.
But God is faithful and merciful and he has let me continue on for a reason!
.


I wrote this .... around thanksgiving of 2007. It is just a memoir of what I actually went through in the year 2006.
Some of you may be shocked but that is okay. I just hope that you find it in your hearts to forgive me?
Yes i still struggle everyday with prideful thoughts like i mentioned above so please be in prayer about this with me!
Thanks everyone! My secret is out.
I thought i could hide it from everyone ( who was I kidding).
But my God is an all knowing God and he knew and now thankfully many others know and are helping me!

Galatians 6:1-2 " Brethren if any man is over taken in any trespass you
who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness considering lest you also be tempted, Bear one another's burdens and SO FULFILL
THE LAW OF CHRIST."

JAMES 5:16 " Confess your trespasses to one another and
pray for one another that you be healed . The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."

JAMES 5:19-20 " Brethren if anyone among you wanders from
the truth and someone turns him back let him
know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will
save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins."

Hebrews 3:13 " But exhort one another DAILY while it is still called
TODAY lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin."

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 " Two are better than one because
they have a good reward for their labor, For if they fall
one will lift up his companion But woe to him who is alone when he falls
for he has no one to help him up." 

Thank God I WAS NOT ALONE!! 
I thank Him also that i am not alone now either!