God Melts the Heart of Stone

Ah! Rest time, tis the most wonderful hour of camp ever invented (or at least according to the counselors!! Sorry to all the campers out there!)

My girls were all quietly and contentedly playing with stuffed animals…leaving me time for a much needed short rest…to lay my aching head (heat and a little bit of a challenging week) back and read a little.

All was calm and well…but my hopes for rest were quickly demolished by a tussle that very quickly broke out amongst the girls.

Rising to my feet I very quickly took care of the outward behavioral side of the tussle.

“Alright everyone into their own bunk for the rest of the time!” I said in a surprisingly calm manner considering the surge of frustration going through me…boy things would be a lot easier if counselors no longer struggled with sin!

Anywho, actually only two girls were involved in a tussle, but I told them all to get into their bunks so that I could think…it was so loud and I just needed time to sort everything out.

So after sending them all to their individual bunks I then went after the girl that had stormed out of our room into the bathroom down the hall…upon meeting her I spoke with her about leaving like she did. Once we returned I sat on my bed in the silence and quiet.

But as I sat there…searching for answers as to handle this tussle (you see I did not quite get what exactly had gone on) and so as I sat there on my bed my mind was racing with thoughts of what exactly I should do next… I knew that I needed to get to their hearts for in every situation esp. tussles, it is crucial to get to the heart of it all not just the outside or the behavioral side of it all, but to the heart where in reality all things start.

So as I sat there scrambling for words to say to them, I knew what I needed to do. So in desperation I called out to my Father… “Father, I need answers! I feel as if this is really simple and that I should already have the answers…but Father I don’t! I need you! Please help me to know how to address this…for I do not even exactly understand all that has gone on…help me to get to the heart of this problem! I need wisdom now Father! In Jesus’ name Amen!

And right then, the very second I finished praying I began to think through everything, and the answer of how I should approach this situation came to mind, and I knew exactly what I needed to do. And so I got busy carrying out the help that God gave to me. I pulled the two girls aside away from everyone else, and addressed it.

And the amazing thing is they seemed to get it!

But why did I have to come to that point? Why did I have to come to my “wits end” and then call on God…the theme this year at RRBC is based on prayer and our motto is : “Is prayer your spare tire, or steering wheel.”

And I must confess that quite often it is my spare tire! Too often! I have all the power of heaven to call upon, the Almighty God, the One who created EVERYTHING, and yet I have not because I ask not!

I have to be at my “wits end” before I rely on the Wits of God! Why?? He is SO much greater than I…and I can do NOTHING apart from Him :

John 15:5

“Yes I am the vine, and you are the branches, Those who remain in me and I in them, will produce much fruit (notice not just fruit, but much! And too often I wonder why I am not seeing Him at work…hmm). For apart from Me you can do NOTHING!”

There it is, black and white! Can’t get any more all encompassing than that…apart from Jesus Himself, apart from His work, I can do NOTHING! So why do I so often find myself trying to “go it alone?”

No wonder Paul said “Some plant, some water, BUT GOD (anytime in scripture where it says BUT GOD, it is ALWAYS AMAZING and CRUCIAL!! WOW! Think about it…the Word is going along your reading your reading…and then BAM it hits you : BUT GOD!...and this folks has been another “random bunny trail” with Bethy…thankyou!)

So this incident where prayer was my spare tire was about week 3. Week 4 I thought prayer had finally become my steering wheel…I mean I prayed everyday! I even prayed whenever an arrow (yeah I know…they should never have let me be in charge of archery! EVER! Lol) went missing, because again “Apart from Him, I can do NOTHING” (not even finding that missing arrow).

And truly I was relying on Him! And it was a good thing that I had learned my lesson because that week was probably one of the hardest weeks of my summer! It was Jr. High!!! AAHH! Nightmare waiting to happen! I mean you have a ton of these homosapiens who are not quite children…not quite teens…and thus one minute they are that sweet little school child…the next minute they are trying to be older than they are…and then another minute they are awkwardly stuck in the middle…uugh! It hurts to watch folks! Jj jk lol! I loved them!!

Anyway, it truly was a harder week…to go from jrs to jr. highers is quite the jump…weird but it is!

Anyway, that week a very odd spiritual fog (which is the only way to describe it) had settled over the camp. I don’t know about anyone else that was there, but literally I could feel the apathy..everytime I set foot in chapel and the speakers started speaking…everytime I opened up my Bible to try and share from the Word I felt as if it was all falling on apathetic and tuned out ears.

Many of them have been “churched” their whole lives…by now they know the answers…they know what to say to get the speaker… teacher…counselor off their back…and they really don’t care anymore. And maybe that was just a “feeling” that Satan had put in my heart that week…either way whether imagined or real, I was discouraged, and was calling out daily for the Lord to work in and through me despite myself.

I asked that He use all of us to water and plant and that He would bring an increase. And the amazing thing was HE DID! And why was I surprised?? Because I had prayed expecting to most likely not actually be able to witness the answer. I thought that the answer to that prayer would come later down the road in the kids’ lives when I would not be there to behold it and I was totally fine with that, perhaps it will still, but I do know that some were changed and I was privileged and blessed to see some of that!

One of my campers was having doubts about her salvation, and so after much prayer and sharing the gospel with her a couple of times, finally on Friday night (the last speaking session) she got reassurance of her salvation! PRAISE HIM! It was not me! I banged that job up so bad! I totally missed the ball, but God still worked!

WOW! It was so cool to hear her pray, and say “I believe God! I believe that you died!”

She was so sincere!

And it was so cool cuz I usually ask one of my campers to pray before bed and that last night two of them volunteered (where as all week everyone shyed away from it) and one of them was Morgan (the one who got reassurance) and it was so neat to hear her pray and thank God for the reassurance she got!

God is amazing!

And not only did He work in Morgan, but He also worked in another little boy named Philip.

I had the wonderful privilidge of being in charge of Archery all my weeks of camp (I know I still can believe they let me!). And this one young boy would always come at least once or twice a day, his name is Philip. And I liked Philip because he is really small for his age and really short, he reminded me of my brother Andrew, so it was always great to see him. But as I watched him, he seemed to have that same apathetic spirit that seemed so common that week (again perhaps it was just imagined), and there also seemed to be a hardness of heart within him.

And so as the week went on I kept begging God to do a work, to melt the hearts of stone that seem so prevalent and common place. On Friday during the morning time I was alone running archery, and Philip was there. And it was just him, so I decided to seize the moment, and began asking him what if he liked the morning and evening speakers.

He said that he did, but that he especially liked the missionary hour.

I must admit that I half expected him to either blow me off or to continue shooting and not answer me. So I pressed further with that.

“Well Philip maybe someday you will be a missionary.”

He turned and looked me square in the eye and said “I can’t I am too short!”

I was taken aback by that, and was instantly reminded of Moses and how he argued with God about not being a good enough speaker. Course it would have taken too long to share that whole story with him, so I took a different approach.

“Well God can use anyone Philip! It does not matter what size you are! What if He called you to be a missionary, would you go?”

Now I can’t remember exactly what he said, I do know that he did not say “yes” I think he just said “God would not call me!” And at that very moment another girl came up to shoot, and thus I was not able to take anymore. But I was so thankful for the chance to challenge his thinking.

After that I thought nothing of

it…that was the end of that in my mind. But God was not done!

The next day after breakfast I was heading back to my cabin to help my girls pack up to leave. The sun was shining so brightly and warmly and I was just casually walking along enjoying God’s good earth and the good morning and reveling in the wonderful gift of salvation because the night before was when one of my campers had gotten reassurance of her salvation.

Anyways as I was reveling in all that, suddenly I heard a voice behind me “Hey! Would you be a missionary if God called you?” What a pointed question!?? What a bold one!

I turned around and squinted through the bright sun, and there was little blonde haired Philip, he wanted to know if I was even willing to do what I had challenged him to do and rightly so!

“Well yes, yes Philip if the Lord calls me I will!”

“Well how can we know if he calls?”

“Well Philip, He will give us a burden and a desire for what He wants us to do and where He will have us to go.”

“That’s neat” (wow and remember this is coming from a seemingly hard hearted child…I mean I never saw him smile, except when we were talking just then, I am guessing that due to his small size he must be picked on a lot.)

“We just need to be telling others about God!”

“You are exactly right Philip!”

And we parted ways, it truly was a blessing to my heart to see God take this little guy, and work his heart over to where he was ready to serve God now, so that he would be able to serve God later…many adults don’t even get this concept! WOW!

What I thought were hearts that were “far gone” were actually melted and brought near! God is amazing!

And maybe you are like me, maybe there are those in your life who just have hard hearts…and apathy and just seem so far gone nothing could bring them back….know this friend that God NEVER gives up on people! There are no “lost causes” for God!

And dear friend He asks us to reflect His faithfulness! So keep watering…keep planting! God is awesome and HE WILL BRING INCREASE!

Entrust everyone to the One who not only sees hearts (1 Samuel 16:7) but also has the power to fashion them toward Himself : PS. 33:15 “He fashions their hearts individually (He is a very personal God) He considers ALL their works!”

Keep going, do not lose heart for in due time you will reap a harvest! Do not grow weary while doing good! God is not mocked and His Word NEVER returns void Gal. 6:7: “Don’t be misled-you cannot mock the justice of God, you will always harvest what you plant!”

Getting pulled over = God's grace to me!

The sun had long since slipped behind the horizon, taking with it those precious rays of the sun that so wonderfully illumine everything so that we can see as clearly as possible. With the going of the sun, my vision became more and more impaired, adding to the stress of driving at night. It was long about 8pm or so, and I was heading once again to the Older couple’s farm to take care of them. Normally when I go there it is light out because I leave my home at 2 and get there at 4, but this time I was taking a different shift and needed to be there on Saturday evening till Sunday. Thus I was forced to drive at night.

I only just got my license a year ago this January, and have never been a good driver, always having trouble judging how big my car is and the like (just ask Joshy or my brother who have ridden with me frequently…SCARY STUFF they would say…haha). So as you can imagine, this being the first time I would have driven for a long amount of time at night, this would be difficult! It most def. was! I had a hard time seeing, and I was tired and just wanting to get there and be done with driving.

So  there I was tuttling along (my car has been affectionately been named “Mr. Tuttle” and it kind of stuck….thus “tuttling along” heehee not really a “need to know” thing I know but I thought I would share!).

Anyways, there I was tuttling along and I was rolling through the quaint little town of Coon Rapids. To most outsiders everything appeared correct. I was driving the speed limit, and was wearing my seatbelt, but there was one problem, I was driving on the other side of the white line towards the ditch side (not the dangerous side of opposing traffic, just to clarify that this was not an immensely dangerous situation!)

Anyways, to most it would appear that all is well, but not to the trained eye of a cop. He picked up on that small minor problem (driving on the other side of the white). So the lights came on and I knew I was in trouble. I quickly pulled over, my hands began shaking and my face turned hot almost immediately.  Suddenly his flashlight turned on and he walked up to my window. I quickly rolled it down, and he shone the light into my car. Blinking against the light, I try to make eye contact. “Do you know why I am pulling you over?”

Thinking to myself, I was like well I was going the speed limit…it must be a tail light out or something…perhaps I blew a stop sign?? Wait there were not any stop signs.. At a loss I just say as kindly as possible “no, no sir I don’t”

“Well you were driving on the other side of the white line, I just want to make sure you’re not intoxicated.” Was his matter of fact reply.

INTOXICATED! Are you kidding! I have not even drank so much as caffeine for like 5 years…this has got to be a joke! Hoping that my eyes were not bulging with bewilderment, I quickly compose myself. “Oh, uh..”

Shining his light into my car, his eyes take in my surroundings. To my surprise he fixates the light on my GPS on the windshield and my tassle hanging from my rear view mirror. “You are not allowed to have those two things, they are obstructions of view.” His words hit like a ton of bricks…I was like “WHAT!!??” you have got to be kidding me!

Of course I never said this aloud.He of course was not kidding and asked for my drivers’ license and registration and proof of insurance. I quickly dug them out and handed them to him.

As he left to go to his car, I quickly began to take my GPS down and remove my tassle. All the while thinking “I thought I had everything right…I was going the speed limit…how could I have missed not just one thing, driving on the other side of the white line, but THREE THINGS??

 He returned shortly, but not after I had taken the things down. Shining his light back on me, he said that he was going to let me go. He seemed a little hesitant though. He had handed me my things (registration/insurance etc) and I had put them back so quickly that I thought he hadn’t given them to me, so as he was leaving I asked for them. He said he had thought he gave them to me, but said he would search his car. He came back shortly, only to point his flash light right at my open dash drawer that had my stuff carefully placed inside.

 I quickly apologized and thought “wow, now he must really think I am drunk!”He looked at me unbelievingly, and hesitated for a moment, I thought “surely he is going to have me walk the line!”

But he just left and got back in his car, warning me to keep those obstructions down.

 I pulled away slowly and watched my driving very carefully till he was out of sight. And suddenly tears started rolling down my cheeks. Now if you know me well, you know that I am not a terribly emotional person, in fact when possibly I try not to cry as much as possibly. There have only been a few times in my life where I suddenly started crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason at all, and all three have had to do with something spiritual going on in my life.

 The first was after my baptism at six, I immediately was embraced by my father who had done the baptizing, and I started crying, I couldn’t honestly tell you why. The second time was at Jr. Girls camp when I was 11 and I started crying uncontrollably in my bed, my counselor (Penny Fogle) came and asked me what was wrong, I said I felt I needed to be saved, so that night I got assurance of salvation that night. And the third time was right there in tuttle driving away from that policeman.

At that moment two thoughts hit me. One the immense grace of God, in that He had made it so that policeman did not give me a ticket. And really the policeman’s grace in not giving me a ticket, regardless of if this man was saved or not, reminded me of and reflected God’s grace in my life! That policeman did not give me the ticket I deserved! He had let me go. With that thought I began praising and thanking God for His grace.

Shortly thereafter the second thought hit, and this one with more weight and conviction. My life at that moment (and even now) mirrors in a metaphorical way, that “pull-over.”As I said I thought I “had everything right” and really I did have “most” (key word) everything right, but come to find out I did not, especially with the light of the flash light that policeman had shone!

 And just like that, so in my spiritual walk I at that time had thought “I have everything right.” But I know, as God has always known, that I most certainly did not! Last year, the summer before my jr. year (so I am talking of  summer 2010) I fell back into a sin that I have been battling since I was 17. I wrote a memoir about the beginning of this battle (when I fell into it ) on facebook entitled “my secret..or so I thought” and I have copied it to my blog as well (so if you want the beginning of this “story” you will have to read that).

 Anyways this battle I have engaged in, is the battle against an eating disorder. It is a silent thing, though public on facebook, most people do not even know that I struggle this way, and most who have found out were shocked. Mostly because, one does not have to be “skinny” to struggle with this…why? Or how? You might ask. The answer is simply this, an eating disorder is not about eating…or exercise, or making yourself puke. Those are just symptoms of a greater problem, a heart issue! The symptoms help you identify the problem but they certainly do not define it! So in other words, I could be well over 300 pounds and still be struggling with an eating disorder in my mind. It is a HUGE temptation!

 And to most on the outside, I look like I did driving that night…to a trained eye it appears that something is “amiss” slightly (driving on the otherside of the white line), they notice me skimping at meals, or perhaps they notice my obsession with running everyday. But it is’nt until the light of God’s Word and Spirit shine into my “Mr. Tuttle” of life are found the other problems (the tassle and GPS).

 And just as that Tassle and GPS obstructed my view of the road, thus causing the driving on the wrong side of the road, so to my eating disorder (self worship and control) and pride have obstructed my view of the spiritual road I am on.

I have been taking Biblical counseling classes for most all of my four years at college (that is my minor), and so of course I know the “right answers.” I know the cause, I know what I should be doing to remove the tassle and GPS from my windshield (pride and selfishness, control and self-worship). But the sad thing is I don’t do it! I don’t apply the precious truths of God’s Word. And why do I not? Because I don’t yet want to give up my sin. But God is not letting me  any longer be comfortable with that, and He has faithfully been pealing back layer by layer of this awful life dominating sin, calling me closer and closer to Himself! There is hope for change!

 Friends, I am probably in one of the most scariest places of my life at the moment! Honest! I have begun to pray that God would change me, break me, help me to see the severity of my sin, help me to want to change!

And PRAISE JEHOVAH that He is gracious and faithful to this His lost and wandering sheep! I need Him! I honestly can’t do it on my own.

I believe that an eating disorder (like any addiction) will be a lifelong battle. It will be a constant fight. You have all most likely heard the stories of addicts to achohol or cigarettes, how they change and overcome, but the moment they get around the temptation or think of it, they have to really fight, and this is no different!

 Because I have allowed myself to become ensared in this deadly and trapping sin, I will now suffer and have to fight the rest of my life, but PRAISE JEHOVAH I don’t have to go it alone (Phil. 4:13).

I believe that there are more who struggle this way, and who just keep it “underwraps” as I have and still often do. May I encourage you to reach out and get help! This is honestly a deadly and ensaring sin. It is scary and it will drive you far away from your Savior (I know from experience, I no longer hear His voice as clearly as I used to…and it has affected my relationships with others as well.)This is not something to “mess around with.” It is not just a little thorn in the side, it is a HUGE thorny bush that traps and squeezes all spiritual life out of you!

 I know what I have to do, I must let go of my gods ( running, a skinny body) and begin to find a balance between eating right and running. I must depend upon God and allow Him to change me. I must see running as a gift, that could easily be taken away, and not hold it tight, but rather be thankful to God when He allows me to go! Not have it be a “must do or else..” thing! I must surrender…this is a moment to moment thing! Believe me! I have a long road to haul! But praise Jehovah He is there every step of the way!

Maybe you don’t struggle this way, be watching out for those around you that might. It is a slow fade, this doesn’t just happen overnight, it happens over time. Look out for your brothers and sisters around you. It may only take a simple word (such as the example of June, a lady in my church, in my note entitled “still small voice.”).

 Or maybe it will take an outright rebuke that cuts to the quick (examples of this would be my sweet and ever paitent  boyfriend Joshy, who faithfully reflects his Shepherd to this His lost sheep. And also Mrs. Gutwein as well and Lynnae, and also my parents and even my brother Joe and sister Krista). All  of them did not give me “Pat answers” or the “I feel so bad for you” line, or even the “just quit running and eat right why don’t ya” line, but rather they paitently got to the heart of the issue!

 Thankyou to all of you and the countless others I know I am probably missing. I know that I must frustrate you all, when I don’t change, and when I am so up and down. And I know that with some of you I have even blameshifted, changed the subject, or gotten upset, or just plain old shrugged your advice and admonition off. Forgive me!

I set a horrible example for my siblings and church family and really anyone I come into contact with, and I know I need to change! I wrote this to help others see that perhaps this is more common place then we most often think!

And maybe you don’t struggle with this particular ensnaring sin, but something similar, may I again encourage you to reach out to someone! But most importantly reach out to God!

Don’t deny that you are in a war! Don’t live as if it is taking place “overseas” out of sight, out of mind. But rather take up your arms! Realize it is on your own property, before your eyes! And engage yourself! Don’t become like me:

On the outside, she looks totally fine. She was saved at a young age, and baptized. She was known for being a witness for Christ growing up. She attends church regularly, accept for every other weekend, which is when she goes and takes care of an elderly couple in their 80s. But even then she is still serving. She attends a Bible college, in her S.R. year in fact! She has served at two Bible camps, and once even as a counselor. She has taken many counseling classes, and studies her Bible daily, prays and strives to grow closer to God. She writes frequently about God and our relationship to Him.

All is well right? WRONG!

There is a terrible battle that is raging without her and within! And to the untrained eye, she seems totally fine.

She may have most everything right, but there is something gone terribly wrong, that is missed. It is that unseen war, out of her sight…out of her mind, and out of the sight and minds of those around her.

1 Peter 5:8

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” Eph. 6:11-12

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devilFor we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, againstpowers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

 Don’t be oblivious! Know your in a battle, ready yourself! It’s here whether you acknowledge it or not!

The Author Who Lost Control

The last word of the two hundred page book has just been typed, a sigh of relief, a HUGE accomplishment!  The author quickly hits the save button on her computer, then leans back in her chair, she and breathes a sigh of satisfaction. Her face beams with pride as she prays and thanks the Heavenly Father above that she has finally finished this piece.

She scrolls to the top, and begins reading from the beginning, having practically forgotten how the whole story had begun. After the first couple sentences she is absorbed in the book, and in her own genius behind it.

But as she clicks down to view the second page, the words begin disappearing, one by one, then faster and faster. Frantically she begins scrolling to the bottom, the words disappearing as fast as she is scrolling. Horror stricken, she watches as the last word, that she had just written moments before disappears.

She places her hands to her cheeks that are already turning red and giving off heat. Her head begins spinning, she scrolls back up to the top, and to her surprise words begin faintly appearing back on her computer document. But not the words that had been there before, no these words were much different.

These were not her words at all, not her plan. Puzzled and a bit afraid, she begins to read the words slowly, trying to understand each one. The words appear slowly, only as fast as she reads, she is soon more absorbed in this piece, then she was in her own.

Reading along, she is shocked as she realizes that she is reading her exact story, the one she had just finished, the story that had been moments before erased. All throughout the piece she reads some similar things, some things are even exactly as they had been in the original. But much to her dismay she begins noticing some stark differences found therein as well. Towards the middle of the piece, she reads a part of the story that both shocks her and angers her.

Her eyes narrow, anger at having lost all control over this story, surges through her.“What??!!! This is not the way this story is supposed to go! I am the author! I say what goes where, and what happens, and who is named what! This is wrong…this is ALL WRONG!”

Despite her anger, she takes a deep breath and continues, “maybe it will turn out…”

As it turns out, that particular “problem” turned out even better than it had in her original copy of this story. “How can that be? How could something, that bad, turn out that good? I mean I thought of adding that problem in…but went against it thinking it just could not end well. I just don’t get it!”

Baffled, she reads on and on, finding scenario after scenario of problems and crisis within the lives of the characters of her book , and getting less and less angry and more and more trusting of whoever was writing this book anyway, because as she began to see, everytime a crisis arose that she had not originally put in she realized that it always turned out even better than when she had written it.

Soon she discovers that the book is already longer than the original she had written, upon realizing this the words suddenly stop, and the story ends at an abrupt halt, a fork in the road.  She tries pushing buttons, but again, as before nothing works. She hangs her head in her hands as tears begin forming in her eyes.

All her original work gone, and only a half finished book that she didn’t even write, she fears the worst, that someone has discovered how to hack into computer documents and dictate everything. “But who? Who would do this to me? And why? I have no control! I hate this…this is MY STORY!! I am the author! Whoever this is must STOP!” She hangs her head again, tears flow freely from her face, and anger surges through her.

Suddenly, she feels a soft but firm hand on her shoulder. She raises her head and turns, and much to her surprise, there before her, stands a Man dressed in white. She does not recognize Him at all, she reaches for her cell to call 911, when she notices His eyes look more sad and anguished than her own, and she notices the blood stain on His side, and hands, and sure enough on His feet too.

Wild amazement over takes her as she slowly gets up from her chair, and bows to the ground. “Jesus…Savior? How can this be?”

He bends low and raises her chin, so that their eyes meet. “Precious Daughter of mine, I love you and want you to know that.”

“Jesus, now that you are here, you can help me! I finally finished that piece I have been working on for forever it feels like, and someone, someone has hacked into my computer and erased all my work and rewrote it the way they wanted it! Can you believe that? Jesus, I am the author of that piece, I am the one who wrote it and chooses what happens when! Jesus, can you help me to find that awful person who did this? Can you restore my story to the way it was before? Please Jesus! Please?”

He shakes His head, “My daughter, you are in the presence of Him who erased and changed your story…”

“Wait? What? You…you changed it?”

“Yes my child, I did.”

The girl clears her throat, eyes wide, she shakes her head in disbelief. “But Jesus, you couldn’t have…why…why would you do this to me? After I did all that work…why..”

“My child, when you set out to write this, it was no ordinary book, it was your love story. And you sat down and began writing it yourself, the way you thought it should go. But my daughter you are but a mere human, you cannot see everything as I can…your story though it had the appearance of greatness, would have ended tragically, and I wanted you to have a beautiful and happy ending. That’s why I took over, I wanted the story to go my way, because My way is always best.”

“But Jesus, I couldn’t bear to go through all those hard and difficult things…I mean first off there was the breaking off the relationship with that wonderful guy, I mean…I couldn’t do that…and then there was that period of singleness in the twenty first chapter…I cant bear to not have a boyfriend for more than 6 months!! And how about my sister getting married before me? What kind of a story is that?? Jesus, you can’t do better than what I did! Jesus…”

Jesus interrupts her, “My child, I am the Great I AM, I am all knowing, and can see things better than you.” He grows silent, and tears form on His cheeks and stream down His face, Pulling His sleeves up, He reveals the scars. “My daughter, I died for you! I loved you so much I came and took the penalty for your sin. If I loved you enough to die for you, don’t you think I would love you enough to know what to send your way?

And you read it, all the crisis ended up better than they had in your version of your love story didn’t they? I hold true to my Word,  you have long known Romans 8:28, but my sweet child you are not living it out! You are not trusting me.” He drops silent.

Bewildered and a bit afraid as to what she should say next, this after all is the very God and Creator of the universe before her. She recalls to mind the story of Job and all his chats with the Creator, and decides it best to just keep silent.

After some time, Jesus turns her in her chair to face her computer. Standing above her He begins again, “Now my child, I can erase it all, I can restore it to what you had before, and you can write your own love story. Or you can give me the control, and I will write something beyond anything you could even dare to ask or think. The choice is yours, my child…so what will it be?”

Turning to face Him, she looks deeply in His eyes, all she can see is love and honesty and a knowledge beyond anything she could ever know.

Rising from her chair, she stands before Him. Hesistating for but a moment she takes a deep breath “It’s time…you must let go, He knows what He is doing, you are but a mere human, depraved and sinful…”

She wraps her arms around Him, “Jesus, you write my love story! I want it to go Your way and Your way alone! I could do no better than you! I give you control this day! I will do whatever you ask, go wherever you please, say whatever you want! MY life, including my love life, is yours!” Letting go of Him, she steps to the side, and watches Jesus smile and sit down to her desk, and begin typing.

“But Jesus what do I do now? With all this free time?”

“That’s the beauty of it sweetheart!” He says over His shoulder. “All this time you have been busy writing your love story you have missed so many opportunities to serve others! Go, leave this room, find someone to serve! It is never that you don’t have opportunities to serve, it is just you lack the eyes to see them! So go and serve me!”

With a smile on her face, she gives a deep sigh of satisfaction. Closing the bedroom door behind her, she watches as Jesus turns His face to see her, a smile lights upon it. “I love you my child.”

“And I love and trust you, Jesus!”

With that she closes the door, heading out to find a way to serve the One writing her love story.

No she doesn’t know exactly what will unfold, and she knows there will be a lot of pain involved, but in the end she knows that her love story written by Jehovah Jirah (translated God Who provides), Illustrated by Jehovah Elohim (God of creation.)

His writings are the best, there are none better! His painting and art work are the best, just check out the next sunrise or sunset you see! All around you He is at work!

Okay while this story of the girl author is totally fictional, the truth behind it is not!

As a writer I like to be in control (like the girl in the story). I like to know my characters and I like to know what is happening and I like it to go as planned, especially when it is a play I have written. My first play I wrote (Christmas play 1010) I had a hard time letting others give me advice about lines, and placement of things on stage.

This most recent play, however, I  had grown a bit more humble and I found it easier to take advice and to change lines. Why? Because I realized from the previous year, that I am actually not as great as I had once thought!

If what happened to the girl above, happened to me while I was writing my next piece (or even this piece for that matter) I would be just as upset as she was!

But in reality, so often I get that way about actual writings, but in all actuality I also do the same thing when it comes to my love story as well!

 I too, just like that girl, have tried over and over authoring my own love story, and to be quite honest it never goes well. Only when I hand the control over to God, does it go as it should!

And so I invite you to allow God to write your love story~ let Him have the pen (or keyboard). You will never regret it! Oh yes it will be a daily surrender, sometimes moment to moment surrender, but it will be well worth it and He will be glorified!

I will be posting “My love story thus far” here on facebook, if you would like to read. I hope you have enjoyed this “intro.” As it were to my story, I hope you were challenged and encouraged, and I hope you will find the same in my next piece! God bless! Thanks for reading!

My Love Story

This friends is my love story (thus far anyways). I will warn you, its not all a bed of roses, its not all mushy and gushy. Its had its ups and downs. But God wrote it, and so all credit goes to Him! It twas written in Love by Jehovah Jirah (God Who provides) and illustrated by Jehovah Elohim (God of creation), and yes they are the same person, just as I am the same person though some call me Bethany, others call me Bethy, and still others call me Fred, freddy and fredders (try and figure those out…and if ya do let me know cuz I still haven’t lol). Still a couple people call me Biz, and one person calls me “Juice” and another calls me “boobop” (I’ll let you guess on those….and just one hint, no its not Joshy who calls me that lol!).

 While I am called all these wonderful (and slightly odd) names, I am still the same Bethany Duffy underneath and behind it all, the names just describe me, and make me more special to some, and oddly enough make me feel special (yes even Freddy makes me feel special lol).

 Anyways, I apologize for that rabbit trail, the point of that trail, is that though God and I are called by many different names (He more than I) we are still the same person underneath, we are only but one person!

Now onto my love story:

 Part One: Tomboy~ “boys are just peers”

 So if you knew me as a youngster, you probably already know that I was a tomboy! I loved the outdoors (still do), and mud (nothins changed there either). So my younger years and even on into my teenage years, I thought of boys as just peers, as friends and cool people to do fun stuff with, like playing Indians and cowboys, and the like.

 Joe (younger brother) and I were best friends, and being homeschooled, we really didn’t know anything else, and so I found myself with “the guys” a lot. Choosing to hang out with Joe and his friends.

In fact recently my little mini me, who lately has been trying to figure more out about me so she can copy me (yes even waking early to meet with God…baffles me how He works!) well anyways she asked me the other day “so when you were my age, who did you hang out with?”

“Oh I just hung out with Joe mostly. He and I were best friends, we played outside together a lot.”

And that’s the truth, sure from time to time I would play house with Krista, but more often than not I was doing stuff with Joe outside. So part one has been thus dubbed “Boys just peers.” Because for the most part that is what they were, sure I had some boys later in my teen years (13-17) who I liked, but I never pursued anything, or let them know about it.

Besides in the “Duffy household” no one dates till they are 18, and even then it has to be with chaperones. And as far as I was concerned, I was totally content with that (even at age 17!). And still am! In fact I hope to do the exact same with my own children, should God bless me with some, someday ;)

 Part Two: Surrender to Purity

After that movie, I came under the conviction that I wanted to save my kiss till my wedding day. And so me and my sister and another girl, made that decision that night. And thankfully my mom has encouraged me to keep going with this decision, so I am still planning on saving the lips till I get married.

Shortly after that, on my 14th birthday (as is the Duffy tradition) I received a purity ring. And with it came a little poem, and then also a commitment on the back, which I signed and dated (and still have tucked away somewhere).

Part Three: Submission to Singleness:

And if it had not been for some special circumstances, and for some wise words from my Heavenly Father, through my earthly father, I would have never even considered singleness.

That evening had started out a little normal, my parents had gone out and had left Joe and I in charge of the children ( Krista was at a friend’s) The phone rang, so me being the eldest answered it. Turns out it was my mom telling me that a young man from our church, Jesse, liked Krista and was looking to “date” her. Now this first off came as a shock to my family and I because Jesse had never shown any signs that he even liked her. ( it just so happens that this was the exact way that it occurred with him and I too) After hearing this I remember mentally telling myself to “ hold it together” because I was not about ready to cry in front of my siblings. So I held it in (I was very jealous of Krista at this point cause she had someone “ who liked her and I did not.”) So I as I said held it together until my parents came home.Then as soon as they came home they began talking about it (with me and the younger kids). I remember I started to cry and immediately ran to my room ( I am not one to cry in front of people if I do not have to) and of course my parents came to my room and tried to talk to me. I proceeded to cry and tell them that I had never had any guy like me ( which was true for the most part) and that I felt I would never find anyone… when my dad stopped me in the middle of my selfish complaining and said something I will never forget. He told me something that changed my whole perspective on Krista dating Jesse and even changed my perspective on waiting patiently for whatever God has for me. He said “you know what Bethany, in order to get the blessing of marriage you must give it up first and be willing to be single.” He also said that I was a gem and that I needed to wait for the guy that God would bring along to me ( if he brought one ) and that I needed to have patience. Boy did that stop me in my tracks. Here I was 15 to 16 years old and already I was getting impatient with waiting, and maybe you are in the same boat. Maybe you are tired of waiting… maybe you feel like you will never find that guy that God has for you. Just remember that in order to receive the blessing of marriage you must be willing to be single first ( in that you are willing to wait for Gods timing and what He has for you because not all people are called for marriage).

Remember to “ Wait on the Lord”, and remember that He has a purpose and a plan for you and He will finish the work He has begun in you. Maybe it is a trial for you to wait, just remember that through this test if you handle it the correct way you will be brought closer to God and you will have more patience.

 Part four: Dating Jesse

This is probably the most difficult part of my love story to write…the hardest year of my life. I have told people that I cried more in that year of dating him than I ever had in my entire life! And that’s the honest truth. In fact not to long I was faced with this question on facebook:

What is the hardest thing you have ever been through (that you are comfortable sharing publicly)? How did the Lord help you through it? 

And this was my reply:

My freshmen year at college! not only did I deal with getting adjusted to leaving home and going to school and homework and a new job, but we had a hard time with a girl on campus, treating my sister horriblly and on top of that I had a break-up with my boyfriend that caused havoc not only in my own personal life but also the life of my family and even my church family!

How God got me through all that is through His Word! I just got up day in and out and He never failed to meet with me each day, giving me the exact "food" that I needed from His Word to get me through that day. I can't tell you or describe to you how hard those days after the breakup were, nor of the great comfort that God gave to me through His Word!

I learned SO much in that time and also even during the relationship. No matter what new "news" came up about the break-up situation, God got me and my family through it and helped us to keep going! That decision to break-up was the hardest desicion I have ever had to make! But How glad I am that God got a hold of this prodigal daughter of His! And for His forgiveness, in accepting me back after my rebellion and also for His grace!

And for working in and through my parents! He shone through them! The day after the break-up I woke up and felt that I had lost alot of people (though I gained my relationship with my parents) I still felt that I had lost alot, but then I was reminded of the quote "There will be days when you will have no one and nothing at all, escept God, and that is ALL you will EVER need!" How true this was, and to think that I had to be broken to come to grips with this, but how glad I am that He broke me!

So while this was hard, dating a controlling and possessive guy, and then the hard and difficult time of breaking the chains of that relationship, God did teach me and He uses it still today! PRAISE JEHOVAH for knowing exactly what I would need!

Part Five: Refusing to marry~ making singleness my lot!

What finally brought it full circle was a message up at camp. The man was speaking in the Psalms 4, and was sharing how if there was something in our lives that we were not sure of, did not have the answers to then we needed the light of God’s countenance to shine on it! The speaker encouraged us to pray that God would shine the light of His face on the subject. He also encouraged us to seek someone out, if the need be. “There are many who say,” Who will show us any good?” LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.” Psalm 4:6 This is what I needed! I did not know what was good, and this verse said that God is the one who is able to show me what is good! How does He do this? By the light of His countenance! “For they did not gain possession of the land by their own sword, Nor did their own arm save them; But it was Your right hand, Your arm, and the light of Yourcountenance, Because You favored them.”-Psalm 44:3 WOW! This was exactly what I needed, it was as if the speaker was speaking directly to me! It really opened my eyes, and I squirmed within myself. I knew that I needed help, needed to come to the place where I could surrender, but I had questions. From that evening on I began to pray that God would shine His countenance on the subject, and that He would send someone to talk to me. After a few weeks of praying for this, and no real answers, I began to think that perhaps, I would need to actually seek someone out, versus someone coming to me. So I began to pray for an opportunity to talk to someone about my unsurrendered heart. This came when Lynnae stopped by my room one night after we retired from the kitchen. And so I took the opportunity to ask her for a chance to talk to her. She of course said yes. We never talked at camp (too busy), but after I left and got into school, I sent her an email and she got back to me and helped me to realize where I was wrong. You see after breaking up with Jesse, because of the wrong and awful things I did with him, (I am not the typical “good girl” that some think I am…..). Anyways because I have sinned, I knew that God forgave me and has forgiven me for it, but I just did not want to ever have to tell another guy how I have sinned, and I did not believe that there would ever be any guy who would be able to forgive me.God forgives it is true because He is Holy and loving, but we humans have a lot harder time forgiving because we are sinful. I was being very wrong in my thinking and really I was not trusting God and was not surrendered to Him in the area of marriage. That night after she talked with me about it, I prayed and surrendered to God. Now not always do things happen this way, but I will say one thing before I go on. God uses our past to bring us to where we are, and to lead us on into our futures. Looking back in hindsight I can see that God was def. leading me along, from the unsettledness in my spirit about my unsurrendered heart, to that message, to talking to Lynnae, to surrendering. It all seemed like “happen stance” at the time, but I know it def. wasn’t!

 Part Six: “An Abraham and Isaac” moment:

To make a long story a little shorter, I prayed about it and then said yes. But you see the ironic thing is, if Thomas had asked me not two weeks earlier I would have turned him down just like that, no questions asked…not prayer…no thought to God, because of my unsurrendered heart. But because God chose to pursue this prodigal, because of His faithfulness, and I kind of see that relationship with Thomas as an “Abraham and Isaac” moment. Yes, I had fully thought (and intended to) that it would go to marriage, but alas that is not what God wanted, for we broke it off 6 months into it.

Rightly so I might add, God taught me a lot in that relationship, and I learned a lot and am still learning from it. Yes it was hard, yes I got hurt, but none of that matters now, because God meant it for my good (Rom. 8:28.)

I believe that He brought Thomas along just after that surrender so that He could tell if I had truly, and indeed surrendered to whatever He would have me.

The odd thing is, if I hadn’t dated Thomas, I most likely would never have even given Joshy a chance! Because it was while I dated Thomas, that I saw a different side of Joshy that I had never seen, and my thoughts about him changed.

 Part Seven (wow that’s not odd at all…God’s number? Lol jj jk): JOSHY The Shepherd!

I know that we have a long road to haul (one semester left at faith, him with the pastorate, me going to camp possibly, and we don’t get married till September 1st!!) But God has been faithful thus far, and I know He will see us through till the end (Phil. 1:6).

This relationship has not been without its own ups and downs, but God has been faithful through it all! And how thankful I am to Him for drawing Joshy and I together! And boy did God have His work cut out for Him, in the “drawing us together” part!

For those of you who didn’t know, I used to not like Josh at ALL! I ran away from the guy! At camp when he would come around I took off for the nearest hiding place (usually behind a counter or stove, or in the cooler). One time I didn’t even come to the window to speak with my mom who had come to visit me in the kitchen, just because Josh was around! Lol! It was like that one cartoon skunk chasing that other cartoon skunk around!

 He used a lot of “pick-up lines” back then, and I just didn’t like him, he was annoying, so to speak. In fact when we went off to college, I can remember him asking me a couple times to go out to dinner, or dessert with him and I always told him no.

So when he asked me at the beginning of this past summer (’11) to write him, I was like “no way!” Especially since I had just gotten out of a relationship!

But as is my custom when guys asked to date me, I sought my parents advice, and they told me to just write him and see how it goes, “It may turn out to be nothing at all, and not go anywhere, but he has been pursuing you for a long time now bethany, he deserves a shot.” Those were my moms words to me on the subject.

So I prayed about it and thought about it. I had noticed a difference in him while I was dating Thomas, he seemed different somehow, more mature, and he had a good head on his shoulders (I mean how many guys do you know that are trying to be a full time pastor, plus a full time student, plus working part time?).

And he seemed to be a godly guy. So I agreed to write for the summer, but just as a friend (made sure to make the perfectly clear). But as it turns out God had different things in mind. He took over my script, and about 100 text messages later (between Josh and I) and a couple “unofficial dates” later, Joshy asked my dad to date me!

 We discovered how much we had in common. In fact after our first date (getting muddy at the river) the thing we both came away with that day was the wonderful joy of just being able to be ourselves around each other! We both love the outdoors, and running, and swimming, and playing games (like Catan lol) and getting muddy!

 He gets along SO well with my family (that is a HUGE thing with me!). And we both are surrendered to whatever God would have us to do!

 In fact, this is a short story so I’ll throw it in here. It was S.R. high camp (my jr. year of highschool or sophomore year…or was it my sr. year…cant remember) anyways it was “fire night” and Pastor Phil called for all of us who were feeling called to be missionaries to come on his right and those of us who felt called to full time ministry to come and stand to his left. And so I went down there, because I had always felt called to do some kind of full time ministry for the Lord, and guess who was stamding in front of me when I got there? YEP! Joshy! And the funny thing is that night when we returned to our cabins, I told my mom about it, and my mom was like “Haha, maybe someday he will be a pastor and you his wife!” And of course I was like “NO WAY!” Not this girl!

Who was I fooling? Lol!

Anyways, he knew from the our first date that he would ask me to marry him, in fact he told me that shortly after we started dating. And he continued to say that during break sometime he would “pop the big Q.” And sure enough, and much to my surprise, he did! And in 8 months I will Lord willing say “I DO” to the partner, the fellow character, of my love story!

WOW! What a wonderful God we serve! May I encourage friends to share your love stories (if you have one) and if you don’t yet, then may I encourage you to surrender the script to God to write (for He will write it His way anyway, whether you do or not!) Allow Him to have free reign, you will never regret it! I DON’T!

 May you have been blessed, challenged, and encouraged! If you have any questions, or comments, feel free!

OH and Joshy, I LOVE YOU!!!

This note was inspired by the book "When God writes your love story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy, a very good read! I recommend it to you all!