What’s it to you?

 Ever play the comparison game?

You know, where you compare yourself to someone else.

My kids do this a lot…”I swept last time, so and so never sweeps”

“How come so and so got a mint (we love mints around here)?? I didn’t get one?”

And the examples could literally go into eternity. 

Jesus dealt with this same thing with His disciples, many a time.

But one such time is recorded in John 21:18-23

This Is after Jesus’ ressurection. He had just finished a breakfast with Peter, James and John and a few other dicisples. 

Evidently He and Peter had gone off on a little walk for a bit and that’s where Jesus allowed Peter to say that he loved Jesus 3 times because he had denied Jesus 3 times just before Jesus died. 

Jesus tells Peter that he will grow old but then end up dying for his faith. 

That’s when Peter notices John following them. And Peter turns to Jesus and says “what about John?”

And Jesus says “if I want him to remain (stay alive) til I come (that’s pretty significant), what is that to you?”

What a great question. “What is that to you?”

I like to think that I’m not like my children. That I’ve outgrown the comparison game…but I know better.

I think if we were all honest we would admit we all do this. Especially with social media now, where you see only the best, and the things people want to show, which leads us to wrongfully assume that the BEST is the ONLY.

But a great question to ask ourselves is “what is that to us?”

What should it be to us?

I’ll tell you: nothing.

Nothing to us. Because we are not them. 

Peter was not John. Peter would stand before Jesus someday and  answer for Peter, not John.

God meets His children where they are at…He does not blanket us all under the same circumstances…He hasn’t written everyone’s story the same. He couldn’t, we are all so different. We all have a different way we are going to glorify Him.

We should be thankful for this, but bemoaning it. 

It should also be nothing to us because it shouldn’t be about what we want. Notice what Jesus said “if I WANT him (John) to remain.”

It’s not about what Peter or John wanted, but what Christ wanted. 

So next time you catch yourself or even your kids comparing, ask what Jesus asked “what’s it to you?”

And the answer should be nothing.

 Nothing because I’m trusting God’s plan for me and for others (even if that’s different), and realizing it’s really not about me anyways, it’s about Him and what He wants.

The Aarons and Miriams of Ministry

In numbers 12 we come to a peculiar account. One that I actually have never heard anyone speak on nor have I read anything written about this account. Never the less I was compelled (albeit rather "randomly") to read this account and it really struck me how many similarities there are for those of us who serve in full time vocational ministry (Pastors and Missionaries and their wives) and for those who serve along side as lay people within the church. So here we go...

The first thing this passage states is that Aaron and Miriam spoke against their brother Moses because he had taken a Cushite as a wife. 

People are always very quick to judge the decisions that people of ministry (this includes pastors and missionaries and their families) make. The cars they buy, the kinds of clothes they wear, how many children they have, how they operate and do things, how they part their hair (sounds ridiculous but I’m sure it happens) the list could go on and on. You make a decision, chances are there will be several and often differing opinions of that said decision.

Moses married a Cushite. Was this a sin? I do not know, all I know is God never called him out for it, but He most certainly called Aaron and Miriam out for speaking against him for it. 

For those in or about to enter ministry, know this: people will always have an opinion about you and what you do and pretty much everything about you...but in the end only...ONLY God’s opinion truly matters! Cling to that! May God Be BIG and people be small. People pleasing is only good if it comes as a byproduct of God pleasing. So set your aim high!  Guard yourself against making decisions only in light of what others may think of you, make decisions in light of what God thinks of you. There will be opinionated Aaron’s and Miriam’s of ministry in your ministry journey, do not allow them to bring you down, focus on the Lord. 

The second thing this passsage states is that Aaron and Miriam felt like they were going unnoticed. This little brother of theirs who hadn’t even grown up with them or felt the sting of slavery but enjoyed the luxury of the palace, was somehow now a leader of their people. He got all the lime light. All the glory. It says they stated “has the Lord only spoken through Moses, has He not also spoken through us.” They had fallen into the deadly trap of making their ministry of prophesying into a territorial struggle. 

Most know that I love to run. On my running route every year from the very start of spring till very late summer I have an arch nemesis that often distracts me. It is a tiny little insignificant red winged black bird. How I hate those things. They are so very territorial, and with good reason, they have babies to protect. They like to fly right above me and squawk and whistle. I’m always fearful that they will swoop at my head but thankfully they usually do not. 

They do not physically hurt me but oh how they distract me from running my race. They are so loud and right there, throwing all kinds of bird threats. 

In ministry you will have red winged black birds. They have a special gift almost a knack for their ministry that they have. Maybe they are youth leaders, pianists, maybe they run the kids program, maybe they lead a ladies group or choir. Whatever it is, they do a wonderful job at it and receive praise for it. And in some respects, rightly so. However, we are all (every single one of us) susceptible to building a nest around the ministries we are involved in and we make them our babies. 

We think we have a handle on that ministry and no one else could possibly help or do better or have any kind of advice on how to do it better because we are already “doing it better”. We become a red winged black bird. Does that red winged black bird actually own that spot on the road? He has his nest there and his young. Surely this means he owns it right? We would all say emphatically “no he doesn’t own it. “ It is technically a ditch so the county owns it but more importantly God ultimately owns it.

So too, we don’t “own” any ministries either. I have the privilege to write up the minutes for our women’s missionary fellowship of our church. I submit them to the newspaper and record them in a book to be read each month at our meetings. I love to write and so I was so thankful for an opportunity to do this within a church ministry capacity. I can do what I love to do for the church of God. What an awesome privilege. But it is just that: a privilege. I became the secretary of WMF our second year of being here as pastor and wife. I loved it so much and when the next year came around for my position to be voted upon I figured I would be a shoe in. But I wasn’t, and that stung at first. But God used that to open my eyes to what this writing position had become.

I had made it my baby, built a nest around it on territory that did not even belong to me. And I squawked at passers by. That humbled me. To see what I had become, what my wicked heart could make ministry for God to be: completely about self.

So if you are in ministry or about to go into it, know that there will be red winged black birds in your ministry, and you need to be on guard yourself as this can happen to literally anyone! Don’t be fooled! We do not own any ministry. They all belong to God, in fact the natural gifts and abilities that we have to do any said ministry belong to and come from God. Ministries of any kind cannot and should not ever become our “babies”. Should never become a time for us to shine, but rather may they be something for God to shine through. Remember, if you receive praise from men on earth that is your reward and you are missing out on a better reward: praise form God in Heaven. Do not allow the squawking to distract you, keep running. The black birds do not own the ditches or the road I run on. They can squawk all they want but I’m still gonna run. You do the same. Keep running and pay them no heed other than to pray for them and to if given the chance, gently correct them and pray they come to the knowledge of the truth and to true repentance.

Another thing  to note in this passage is how close these two were in proximity to Moses. They were his siblings. His brother and sister. Sometimes those who will attack you in ministry will be close to you. May even be some of your best friends. In fact all of them, as long as they know Christ as their Savior, are your brothers and sisters. Always remember that. These are your family and you have the same Father. Christ died for their sin against you as much as He did for yours against Himself. Remember the grace that has been shown you by God for Christ’s sake and reflect that to others. The cost will be high, the higher road is never the easy one, but it is the one that leads to life. Our goal should always be for peace and we should do everything in our hand to make for peace. Keep in mind always that your battle is not with "flesh and blood" it is not with these brothers and sisters in Christ, rather it is with much darker things (Eph. 6). 

The final thing I noticed was what God states about Moses in this passage: "Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth." WOW! What a thing to be said of a person! This little thing called humility is key. How should we respond to the Aarons and Miriams of ministry that we will face? With humility. Remembering the very example of our High King Jesus: 

"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame and is sat down at the right hand of God the Father. Consider Him Who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:2-3

Did you catch that? Jesus suffered opposition from sinners, and He is our example. How did He handle that? "Like a sheep to the slaughter, He opened not His mouth." Let God be your protection. Anything we face as far as opposition goes could never come close to what Christ faced. Let that sink in and make it "so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Fix your eyes on Jesus.

So remember, there will be Aaron and Miriam’s of ministry in your ministry journey. They will have opinions but only God’s opinion truly matters in the end. They may have ministries that they have made their babies, but don’t allow their squawking to distract you, keep running the race looking to Jesus. Remember that they are your brother, your sister in Christ. Have grace, always be kind, and forgive as God in Christ has forgiven you. Finally, remember to look to your example Jesus and follow His ways of humility and grace no matter the cost.

Pain: the unforgiving road

Pain. It comes in lots of shapes and forms and from different hands. It is a wearisome journey, an unforgiving road. They say it will bring either the best or the worst out in those within your realm of contact. If you’ve been down this road of pain,  you know that how people respond to the pain of others comes in all stripes and colors. 

Sometimes it comes as silence. They say nothing. They see you’re hurting, but don’t stop. Much like the Priest and The Levite  who passed by the Jew who had been attacked on the road in the parable of the Good Samaritan. 

Sometimes they speak and you wish they hadn’t .They  say nice sounding cliches:

“Well at least you don’t/didn’t (fill in the blank).

“Just focus on God right now/cling to Jesus”

“It will get better, you’ll see” 

They see your pain and even go a step further and acknowledge the pain, but what they offer is just a warm well wish (“be warm and filled”) when instead you need to be brought into their home and offered food and rest (a hug, a meal, a listening ear, a gift of some kind to brighten your spirit. Something tangible etc.) They want to do something for you but do not want to pay too high a price while helping you so they throw some good “Christian” phraseology around and pat you on the back and send you on your way.

What they do not realize is how empty that leaves you, how cold and heartless those well meaning phrases really are. How guilt tripping these kind of phrases can be to a person. 

Sometimes people compare their pain to yours. Much like children comparing scrapes from falling off their bikes. Their only goal is to one up you. “Well you think you have it hard....” or “I went through (fill in the blank)”

Pain is NOT nor should it ever be a

Competition.

Some discredit certain trials because they don’t quite hit the level of pain they feel is a prerequisite for something to be called a “trial” or “pain”.

Nothing like someone saying “you’re just imagining all of this”

I lost my baby at 4-5 weeks. Some would consider this to be a “chemical pregnancy”. I consider it a life lost. I don’t believe in “chemical pregnancies. I liken that phraseology to the demonic work of calling a baby an “embryo”.  The latter makes it ok to abort a baby, the other makes a death of a baby seem like nothing at all.

Some want to call it imagined pain.

Finally, some put their time line upon your pain. “She still isn’t over this yet?” Most likely they wouldn’t say this directly to your face. But you pick up on it in their subtle ways. 

Listen, grief looks different from person to person. There is no time line to grief. And the other thing about grief is that it isn’t a time line at all. It is who you are. It becomes a part of you. Always there on the back burner and brought forward to the front by dates, smells, seasons, weather, something someone says in passing. Clothes. Toys. Smells and sights that whir you back in time, bringing with them all the emotions, dreams lost and sinking heart feelings. Grief is now like the watch on your wrist or the ring on your finger. You don’t always notice it is there but it is always there. Yet, it is different than your watch or ring, because you can’t ever take it off like you can a watch or ring, so don’t let anyone ever make you think you can!

So what do we do when these things happen? When people respond in these less than stellar ways to our pain..

We give grace to those who respond in these ways. It will take every ounce of our being and the power of the Holy Spirit to respond in the midst of our pain in this way of grace. I liken it to facing a storm on a ship at sea while a mutiny is going on. Seems impossible, the odds are against us, we want to just give up and give in. We are fighting something without and  within. We are tempted to think “If we cant  beat em, join em”. The struggle to throw words back is real. But grace must win the day.

So we must GIVE grace, but we also must BE grace. When others are walking through pain, be grace to them. Don’t do any of the above I’ve mentioned. Be grace to someone. Paul almost always opened and closed his letters with “the grace of God Be with you all” 

I think that has a two way meaning. May God’s grace be upon you, but may it also shine through you to others. 

So do you know anyone walking through pain right now? Pain is a rough journey, an unforgiving road, so be the grace along the way. My counseling professor said to treat all pain as if it is real, because to them it is real.

Show grace, take a meal, watch their kids, send a package, or a gift of some sort. 

Above all, be there with them, listen to them and pray with and for them. These are key. 

“May the grace of God Be with you all”

Comfort zones

The water lapped the side of the boat so softly, much like a dog licking a wound. Slow and steady. I pushed, and pulled, in sync with the other followers of Jesus. We were in no hurry. The Master had dismissed the crowds, once we left shore, that much we could tell.  He told us to go on ahead. I had longed to stay with Him, but the look in His eyes and the way He had said for us to row to the other side, had told me the answer would be “no.” He must have had a reason for us to be rowing to the other side, but not a one of us had any kind of inkling as to what this could be.

But we have grown used to His peculiar ways and commands. I mean when I first met the Man, He told me to go out to where the water was deep and throw my net on the other side, the opposite from anything I had ever learned from in all my years out in a boat on the water fishing. I mean we always fished at night, and here He was asking me to fish in broad day light! The fish never bite then. Plus, couple that with the fact that I had fished all night long and had not even caught one fish! Not one! The man was crazy! But something in His eyes and the way He bid me to go set within my heart a desire to try. So I did, and to be honest I was blown away by what happened, because I had fully expected nothing to happen! Ever since that day, the day I left my nets and followed Jesus, He has done similar things over and over. Asking of myself and the others and the multitudes, the most bizarre things, but as He has said, He will use the foolishness of man to show forth the wisdom of God.

Come to think of it, that is always how God has worked.  I recall Gideon…fighting with only voices and lamps and so few numbers compared to the mass amount of enemy they faced? Or Moses, the man struggled with speaking and yet God called upon him to lead over a million people? What of David too? I mean, how does a shepherd boy, filthy, stinky, the runt of the family come to be a King of Israel? Foolishness of man to show the wisdom of God! I knew Jesus had some purpose in mind. Nothing made sense, and then He made sense of the nothing. I assumed this time would be no different.

“What do you think we will do once we get to the other side?” Matthew asked. Everyone kept rowing, a few shrugged their shoulders. “Who knows, it’s Jesus…” Thaddeus’ answer resonated with what we were all thinking. We went on rowing.

We had been rowing for quite a while when all the sudden, out of no where, the wind got stronger and switched directions. It was coming straight at us. We strained at the oars, trying to keep ourselves from capsizing. By this time we were so far from shore, we could no longer see it. Even with all twelve of us rowing, I will even admit that it was hard to row against this contrary wind and waves. We rowed all night long; it was exhausting and tiring work. We thought the night would never end.

Dawn. The sun had just crested over the hills. We had lasted through the night but now we were all exhausted. Suddenly I had felt that we were not going as fast, someone or two had stopped rowing. I look over my shoulder behind me and sure enough, Bartholomew and my own brother Andrew had quit rowing. It is amazing how much a difference even one or two people can make when they stop pulling their own weight in helping push the boat forward.

“Andrew! Bartholomew! Row! Don’t stop! We have to keep going or we will capsize and be lost to this sea! I bark as loud as I can, straining to be heard above the rage of this awful wind. They don’t even answer me. They just point straight to their right. They were stunned to silence. I follow their pointing fingers and see what they see.

“Men, look!” at my startled words the rest stop rowing.. “It’s a ghost!” Judas stammers, eyes wide, as he attempts to jump into the angry sea. Matthew grabs him. “I don’t think it’s a ghost.” But before I can even voice my opinion the man walking on water booms out “Take courage! It is I! Do not be afraid.”

I rubbed my eyes, just to be sure. I mean we had been rowing all night with no sleep…I was spent, so I could very well be imagining Jesus walking on water. Nope, He was still there.

“Lord if it’s really You, then tell me to come to you on the water.” Perhaps I really did not think He would really command me to do it…perhaps I wanted to know His power could work through a lowly person such as myself…because I know it would not be anything of my own doing that would cause me to walk on water. Whatever the reason, I threw that out there. The other disciples gasped, and I could tell they thought me to be mad. Before I could even agree with them or take what I said to Jesus back, Jesus simply said “come.”

I didn’t hesitate. Whenever He told me to do something, I did it. I hoisted myself over the side of the boat. As my feet hit the water and did not sink, a nervous laugh escaped my mouth. I started out toward Jesus. One step at a time… it was so surreal. He was smiling at me, much like a father does to his child who has just learned to walk. He was proud of me. I walked a bit faster. I was within reach of Him now.  I looked away from Him for just a second, that’s all it took. I looked down at my feet, amazed at how this was even happening. That’s when I noticed the wind…and what it was doing to the waves around me. Suddenly fear struck into my heart. It swelled like the waves around me. Fear…Gripping…terrorizing…it immobilized me. I began sinking. As my body sank and the water rose up around me, I did the only thing I knew best to do “Lord save me!” I shouted. Immediately His hand reached out and grabbed mine. He said something next, I will never forget “you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

I didn’t have to tell Him, He knew why. He wasn’t asking me for His sake, He was asking me, for my sake. This had been a test…I had failed and He wanted me to examine and know what caused it. FEAR. I knew it…He knew it.

Fear. It is such a common thing and a very human thing. All throughout Scripture, God and His angels say to people “fear not” or “don’t be afraid.” Why? Well interactions with angels would be just creepy because they are out of this world. But also because life is full of fear. I am afraid of SO many things at all times of my life. You could probably spout off easily ten things you fear right now. Fear motivates us, moves us, numbs us, immobilizes us, stops us, and makes us go forward. The Bible says fear is not something that God gives us 2 Timothy 1:7.  If it is not something of God then we can know it is something of sin and the Father of Lies himself: Satan.

In fact, I believe in the Garden of Eden, before the fall, there was no such thing as fear. Just like there was no such thing as guilt. When you think about it, once sin entered fear and guilt did also (among other things). Everything we are afraid of has to do with sin. We fear death….death is a result of sin. We fear rejection…that is a result of sin. The list could go on and on. Fear is the absence of trust.

When I was asked to write about getting out of your comfort zone to minister to others, the first thing I thought of was the account of Peter walking on water. Peter got out of his “comfort zone.” He was used to boats, he fished in them. But to go out on the water…and not just swimming but walking on top? That’s crazy! But he did it. He got out of the boat.

 God calls us to do the same. He designed each of us with unique gifts, abilities, and personality traits. All of which can be used for His purposes and glory.

But sometimes He calls us “out of the boat” to do things that our personalities don’t really “fit.” I am an introvert, so for me this would be a speaking engagement or even sometimes something as simple as a phone call! There are only a handful of people that I am comfortable talking on the phone with and those are the ones I am super close to (husband, parents, siblings and maybe two friends). I mean I hate even calling to schedule doctor appointments for my kids! But God often asks of me, and ministry requires at times that I get out of my “boat” and do the hard thing. What kept the other disciples in the boat? Comfort and fear. There was comfort in the boat, and fear out on the water. When you think about it, those opportunities for ministry that scare us (it looks different for every person what these are) what is the thing that stops us or hinders us even when we choose to do them? Comfort and fear. There is comfort in not doing them, and fear of something or someone when we do them.

So my question to you today is when was the last time you “got out of the boat?”

Is Jesus telling you to “come”? If you are outside of the boat currently and are walking on the waves, are you keeping your eyes fixed on Jesus realizing that He is the One enabling you to do so? Or are you taking credit for yourself? Relying on yourself? Or relying on God? Are you focused on the wind and waves around you?

There are usually criticisms that come at us when we get out of the boat and do something out of our “norm.” It was completely NOT normal for a human being to walk on water. We always sink! Step into a tub, pool, or my personal favorite a hot tub and what happens? You sink. Laws of gravity. The wind and waves reminded Peter of this very fact. When we “get out of the boat”, and do something that is not normal for us, sometimes other people….but most often our own selves…tell us “we can’t do this.” And to be honest, they are right. We can’t. You see it is a faith thing. It was a faith thing for Peter. Yes, Peter himself could not walk on water, but the One he was walking to could and gave him the power to do so also.

 “Oh you of little faith.” Faith conquers fear. When we remember it is a work of God and that we are only mere instruments, then we will realize nothing is impossible for us to do, because it isn’t us doing it (John 15). So if you have stepped out of the boat, are you focused on the One who is giving you the ability?

I would love to see what “getting out of the boat” looks like for other Christ followers. So please, share in the comments what “getting out of the boat” looks like for you, or has looked like for you. How did God reveal His power through you?

I crave and thrive on behind the scenes duties: nursery, kitchen, and cleaning are my favorite ways of service and these are services that just come naturally for me. I also enjoy one on one counseling opportunities, and small group bible study and teaching young children (the older they are the less and less comfortable it is for me). Those are my “boat” ministries, where I am comfortable.  But nursing home ministry, speaking to a crowd, phone calls, or special music…those are all “getting out of the boat” ministries for me. Ministries where there is no denying, that truly was/is ALL of God!  What are yours?

To Hear or See God?? Which do you want?

If I had a penny for every time someone has said to me “yes I want to read my bible and pray more but I just don’t have time, I am too busy” I would literally be a millionaire by now! I have heard this over and over. In fact when I do hear it, I just want to shake the person and say “You have believed a lie!! it is not that you don’t have time or that you are too busy, it is that God and your relationship to Him is NOT important enough.” EESH! That sounds so harsh…cold…and something we would never ever in our pride admit to. But if we were honest with ourselves and before God, we would readily agree with that statement.

The beauty of that ugly sentence is this: when we do admit that God is not as important as He should be to us, there is grace and mercy to greet us. God knows our frame…knows we are dust and that even though we are saved we still struggle with the flesh. The Spirit and the flesh war against each other so that you do not do the things that you wish:

  “For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.” Gal. 5:17

A lot of times when God reveals a sin in my life…a wrong mindset…some way I am missing the mark and coming up short, my immediate reaction is to deny and or blameshift or just settle with “well that’s just who I am.” Ultimately though, all those reactions and answers to revealed sin are just me doing what humans have been doing since the first sin: trying to run/hide from sin. But when God reveals a sin in our lives, or a way we are coming up short it is because of His grace and mercy and He wants to help us to change. There is only mercy and grace and besides all of our sin is covered by the Blood of His precious Son Jesus.

There is NO need or reason to run, to hide, to blameshift. Own it, confess it, and be ready to be showered with the mercy and grace and strength to make it right and to change. We can do nothing in our own strength :John 15 …we need God! He will NOT be important to us, until we realize that His power is the only thing that will change our nasty self centered hearts to be beautiful God centered hearts. So are you struggling with one of the three key things (bible reading, prayer, attending church). Admit it, admit to God that He is not important enough to you and that is why you haven’t been doing ____ (fill in the blank). Confess it, and ask Him to cultivate in you a hunger for Himself that would drive you to His Word, to His lifeline (prayer) and to His people (church).

All the preliminaries aside, I want to dig a bit deeper into this whole “intimacy with God/Christ” thing. Is it really enough to just attend church twice a week, pray and read our Bibles everyday? Is that all there is to intimacy with God/Christ? Can it really be just boiled down to that? Are God’s Word, prayer and church the only places God reveals Himself to us? Or does His sovereignty and our journey with Him go beyond that? Are we missing the forest for the trees?

When we believe that intimacy with God/Christ only comes when we read the Word, pray and attend church we are putting God into our fancy little box. We have opened up our closet to Him, when He has asked for access to the whole house.

           

            My husband has only two cousins on his mom’s side. I have like 5 or 6 on each side. I know all of their names, birthdays and quite a bit about them. I even know some of my second cousins and all of their kids! So you think that knowing my husbands only two cousins on his mother’s side would be super simple right?

            There I was browsing through my facebook feed one day, when up popped a picture of one of his cousins. His mom had posted a picture of Carter and was congratulating him on graduating from college. I honestly did a double take. I was like “that’s odd because the picture is of Zachary, but she is congratulating Carter? His mom is clearly mixed up today! I better tell Josh and make sure he corrects his mother.”

Because clearly, I, who had only met these brothers once, knew them and knew which was which right?! Wrong!

After arguing (yes you read that correctly…I argued with my husband about which brother was which.) Josh finally helped me realize that I had the two mixed up. You see they both have red hair and brown eyes, but other than that everything else about them is completely different. Zachary (I hope I have this straight now) is short and super smart and very driven and knows what he is doing with his life. Carter on the other hand is much bigger and is not really sure what he is doing with his life other than working at a restaurant and partying. I thought I knew them. I thought I knew which was which, in fact I spent four almost five years of our marriage thinking and believing that Carter was Zachary and Zachary was Carter!

 Praise the Lord it was my husband who helped me before I was able to make a complete fool out of myself. And my mind was blown again when recently I learned that they are twins!! I learn new things about these crazy cousins I have only met once ALL. The. Time!

But that is because I met them once, and everything about them I have learned from other people (or I conjured up in my own mind what and who I thought they were).

 I am going to propose that many of us do that with God. We meet Him (come to Christ), but then we live off the shoulders of the faith of others. We listen to what others think/know about God and accept it, never really knowing Him for ourselves. We know He is Jehovah Jireh (God Who provides) because the Bible tells us and because we have seen Him provide for others, but have we experienced Jehovah Jireh ourselves?

            Have we ever had a need that only God could fill and watched as He filled it down to the last dollar, or item? After just 6 months of wedded bliss my husband and I found ourselves homeless and living at the church my husband was pastoring. You talk about Jehovah Jireh! He provided a home for us 3 months after we moved into the church. That was 3 months of us praying and asking God to direct us to and provide us with a shelter to call home. And we saw Him do it! We also came to the point where we were living off of 1000 dollars a month, and we had a our first little girl at the time. You talk about Jehovah Jireh?!?! We had two garage sales on two separate weekends. Both times we had a coming bill that next Monday that needed paid and  no money to pay it (living off of only 1000 a month). We prayed and sold items we could give up, and guess what?!? GOD PROVIDED the EXACT amount for the bills BOTH times! You talk about Jehovah Jireh!!!

Job talks of this very concept in Job 42:5:

“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear,
But now my eye sees You.”

This was what Job said after all his troubles and after God put him through the ringer with questions like : “Where were you when I created the earth?”

What Job is saying here, is that he though he knew God. He was a religious man, the Bible talks of him making sacrifices.

He no doubt listened to story after story about God and what people up to that point knew of God. But it was all heresy. He did not know God for himself. And that’s where all his trials and troubles come into play. Trials and troubles in our lives happen for a plethora of reasons.

 But one KEY reason that is always true no matter what we face is that it is an opportunity for us to know God for ourselves. What Job was saying here is that he had heard whispers of God, he had heard of God by eavesdropping on another’s conversation with Him, but now his eyes saw God for himself.

When I miscarried, a lot of things went through my mind, but the biggest was shock. I could not believe the God I had “known” my whole life would allow this to happen. I miscarried super early on (4-5 weeks along maybe sooner). This kind of thing happens all.the.time and many women do not even know it. I knew it because I started feeling sick and so I took a test. WHY GOD?!?! Why did you make it so that I would feel sick and take a test? Why couldn’t I just be like many other countless ladies who lose a child and blissfully mistakes it as a period? Why did I have to know? I didn’t want to know because I didn’t want to believe that the God I had known was allowing this to happen to me. I wanted to continue on in my blissful relationship with Him. Where woes didn’t touch me and I could enjoy roses without the thorns.

            Now, looking back, I am so thankful He allowed me to know. That He got my attention and called me to a deeper walk with Him. I, up to that point had never questioned God. When bad stuff happened I just knew and trusted in God. That miscarriage rocked my world though. Suddenly I doubted the God I had always known. The temptation to see Him as a little boy on  an ant hill with a magnifying glass burning ants for fun suddenly became an all to real temptation!

But that was how God called me closer. That was God helping to open my eyes and see a new side of Him, a beautiful and yet painful side of Himself. Something I had only heard of before but now saw with my own eyes.

            Months after the miscarriage, I had just put my oldest to bed. I had made cookies earlier in the day and I had specifically saved her the paddle with cookie dough on it. She LOVES cookie dough (who doesn’t?). And I, in my great love and delight in her, wanted her to have it. Sadly, she refused to eat her supper. She was super upset about it, but dug her heals in and refused to eat her supper, so she forfeited the privilege of getting that paddle with cookie dough all over it. Later on, she had forgotten all about it. I prayed with her and tucked her into bed. As I was shutting the door to her room, my heart just ached. I had so wanted to give her that paddle, to watch her delight in the cookie dough that she loves. When our kids delight in something it just sparks something in us the parents doesn’t it? That is when it hit me. When God reveled more of Himself to me.

“Bethany, you had wanted another child after Miriam so bad. You longed for it, prayed daily for it. I heard. I saw. I knew. I wanted to give you another blessed child, but my daughter  I could not. Just as you could not give Miriam that paddle tonight because she had to learn a lesson about eating what is put before her. So you had to learn some lessons. You had to learn the hard way many many things. I had to get your attention somehow, and that was the only way. And my daughter, the pain you feel now because you could not give Miriam the paddle, is only a tiny picture of the pain I had when I couldn’t give you a child, when I had to call Simeon home!”

Tears streamed down my face. That is where I finally knew God as my Father. I am not going to claim that I heard all of that audibly, but I definitely heard that within my own heart. You see, our relationship with God is NOT limited to bible reading, prayer and attending church. It is SO much more than that! God is everywhere present all the time and He is sovereign over ALL of creation! He is working in and through our lives constantly. Not just when we read our bible for 5 minutes in the morning…or when we sit down and pray…or when we attend church on Sunday morning. NO! God is working all the time.

So do you know God only through what others have said (the Bible) or are saying (sermons/books/bible study etc.). Are you living on the shoulders of another’s faith? Or are you getting to know God for yourself? Have you opened up your mind, heart and eyes to see His hand in the everyday mundane things of life. Do you know Him for Who He is only because you have heard He is such, or have you SEEN Him for yourself?

Do THEY count?

In light of the fact that October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I decided to write about something I struggled through. Perhaps, I am completely alone in this struggle…perhaps I am the only one who has ever had these thoughts and struggles…but I want to venture out onto a limb and say that I highly doubt it! I am certain there are others out there, just like me, maybe a bit different of circumstances, but still struggling and wrestling with this very dark and fear filled agony of the question “did he/she count?”

So with that I begin. There I was lying once again on a hospital bed, shirt up over my belly getting an ultrasound of our latest gift from God Himself. My two girls and husband sat closely by. As soon as the little one’s tiny 9 week old body showed up onto the screen my two year old pipes up “baby! It’s a baby!” Quickly followed by a “get it out!”

To which we all laughed, even the ultrasound tech! I told Miriam that this little one was not quite ready to join us outside of my tummy, but that he/she was very small and needed time to grow. In her two year old mind that evidently meant nothing, she still kept saying “get it out!”

My attention was quickly turned away from her to the ultrasound tech as she began asking me the questions and explaining to me how far along the ultra-sound thought I was and gave me a due date. One of the questions she came to, stopped me up a bit short. “Did you have any miscarriages?”

NOT the thing you want to be asked on a day that is normally a joyous day. The day you first get to see your little one on screen and you breathe a sigh of relief when you see it’s heart beating. I swallowed hard. I don’t really talk a lot about the miscarriage. It happened two years ago. “Yes. I did. Between this one (pointing to my eldest) and this one (pointing to my youngest).” She began typing and I wanted to fill the silence so I followed up with “It was very quick though. I got a positive pregnancy test and started bleeding like a day or two later (the memory is getting fuzzier and fuzzier).”

She stopped typing and turned to me “Do they (meaning the doctors) count that?”

I stammered a bit…it would have hurt less if she had just slapped me. In my head I knew she was just probably asking this because in the Medical field they usually do not see babies at that gestation as…well...babies. But in my heart it hurt and stung because to be honest that very question was the one Satan and my sinful flesh had been wrestling through. Thankfully the room was dark…she couldn’t see my cheeks flush pink in shame that I, like the secular medical field had fallen prey to the lie that babies at that gestation didn’t count.

I answered her “Well, I think they counted it…at least in Des Moines I think they did, that is where I used to go before we moved here to Western Iowa.”

She went back to typing and probably thought nothing again of that little exchange…but OH HOW I HAVE!

Her question “did they (doctors) count that?” mirrored my own heart for the longest time. Even, shamefully I was still asking that question when I went in for that appointment. But I am SO thankful she asked that! Because God really used that to settle in my mind what I now know and hold to as true!

Here I am going to get super real with you about what was going through my thoughts and it may be hard to swallow and a little too personal, if this offends I sincerely apologize. That is far from my intent. I just want to be real and honest.

It is so easy to just know that if you lost your baby at 9 or 10  weeks gestation even later on up to having a child born still, that they counted. That they were a “BABY”.  They have formed and sometimes you can even tell the gender so you can give them a proper name, and not some gender neutral name like “S.J” (what we named ours. Simeon if it was a boy, Jubilee if it was a girl)  because you didn’t even know what it was.

Sometimes you get to deliver them and hold them…take pictures of tiny feet, as in the case of my little brother Joshua, whom God called to heaven when he was at just 16 weeks gestation. Of course THEY count!

But what about ones that are lost at 4 …or even 5 weeks? I was told by my doctor who gave me the results that I had miscarried that this happens all the time and most women don’t even know it. So if this happens all the time…what about those babies…do they count? Especially the ones whose moms (innocently) didn’t even know or notice?

What about them? Do they count?

  Because I got pregnant with this our fourth baby (see I eventually did work past all this questioning...bear with me and I will show you how God brought me here!)…anyways, because I got pregnant with our fourth baby so quickly after our third my doctor scheduled a SUPER early ultrasound…like I am talking just days after my positive pregnancy test. She wanted to get an idea of where I was at. We went in and come to find out little baby number 4 was just 4 almost 5 weeks! Around the age of S.J when he/she went home to heaven.

As we looked at this tiny speck that was honestly just a blob against a little black spot, the tech turned to me and said “it is only about the size of a grain of rice!”

A grain of RICE! TINY!! So that was the size that S.J. was (maybe even smaller) when he/she went home.

When I was really struggling, I was wrestling a lot with the resurrection of the dead. How in the WORLD would you first of all locate a grain of rice…and then resurrect that? And would you turn it into a normal life sized version of what it would have been? I mean who wants to go through eternity the size of a grain of rice???

I hate to think that my mind had to think through that…and I am ashamed of it…but I want to be real and honest and that is the truth about my thoughts.

But what God through His Spirit lead me through… it was much like what God did with Job…God asked Job questions, Job didn’t  know the answer to. God did the same with me.

Questions flooded my head:

*How did your Savior walk on water? I mean really? Scientifically how do I explain that?

*How was the Red Sea parted? Scientifically how do I explain that?

*How did Sarah bear Isaac in old age when way past child bearing? Medically how do I explain that?
*How did a virgin get pregnant? Medically how do I explain that?

My answer??? I DO NOT KNOW! I cannot explain any of that other than GOD DID IT!

And if He can walk on water…part water and cause His people to walk through it on dry land…if He can cause an old woman to get pregnant and a virgin to get pregnant…all for HIS PURPOSE…HIS GLORY, then HE CAN RESSURECT a grain of sand  for His glory!!!

And all that aside, God used that miscarriage…He took S.J. and it woke me up. Woke me up to some serious sin that still held fast a hold on me. Because of that I am more free today than I ever have been. I am so shamed and saddened that it took taking a child from me…but I wouldn’t trade what God did in my heart and life to set me free. I wish that He could have done it another way…but so too Jesus wished that He could’ve saved us another way “take this cup from me” But He willingly did what the Father required.

So my answer to “do they (babies lost super early…before you can even see them on a screen…before you get that first ultra sound picture…before you can really start to feel sick even…before you can hold them…touch them…find out the gender etc.) Do these count? YES!

While at family camp 1, the evening speaker spoke on heaven. He brought us to a passage in Revelation that reads:   “ After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands;”

The speaker, Curt Degraaf (I think that is how you spell that? Please correct me if I am wrong. He is the counseling Pastor at Saylorville church). He said this “multitudes?? How could there be multitudes of saved people (thus the white robes). So many that no one can even number them…how can this be when “straight is the way, and narrow the gate and FEW there be that find it” (Matthew 7:14).

And sitting there I was like…”yeah how in the world??”

His answer shocked me. But since I have adopted the same theory he holds to. He said “I believe these are aborted babies!!”

Jaw dropping moment!! Talk about an ah-hah moment! But then the Spirit took me a bit further…miscarried babies! I believe that great host will have them there too!

And maybe Curt and I are totally off…but how else would you explain that?

All I know is, God loves children! He heard the voice of one, that wasn’t even a chosen child of his. He heard his voice crying out in the wilderness and He helped his mother and him. Why? He loves children! Ishmael was that boy’s name! I know Jesus loves children! He said “Let the little children come unto me!”

He loves S.J. He loves ______ (fill in the blank of one you lost or one you know who was lost). He loves them no matter how old they are! He loves them no matter what SIZE they are! They matter…they count! That is why we must be against abortion! Never in my life had my mind really wrestled through so deeply the question of “when does a baby become a baby” then when I lost one. It helped me to settle in my mind the truth that life truly does start at conception! It showed my true colors and it helped me to become even more settled in that belief and TRUTH!

Life starts at conception! THEY ALL COUNT!!!